Tuesday, September 17, 2024

#273

Hey. How is it already September? I didn't even remember how I went through the past 8 months. Somehow the saying is true that; the day feels long but the year passes by in a flash.

2024 has been such a roller coaster ride for me. This is a saying that people say and hear all the time right. But really, I was in the lowest of the lowest and there were also moments when I was so high up in the sky.

2024 was about me falling down to rock bottom. 2024 was about me struggling to come up for air. 2024 was about me acknowledging that I needed help. 2024 was about me asking for help; literally. 2024 was about me acknowledging that life sucks because it was how I wanted it to be. 2024 was about loving people by choice, but at the same time knowing that being tied up to responsibilities is something you cannot avoid, no matter how much you wanted to escape. 2024 was about prioritizing myself and not allowing people to dictate how I should feel. 2024 was about accepting that I have flaws, and to some people I might be a villain in their life, but it is okay. 2024 was about letting it be. 

I made a few good memories as well in 2024. I travelled with people whom I genuinely care and love. I had some me time to enjoy things that I love. I ran. I participated in a few 5km funruns. It was exhilarating, running with your friends and getting a medal for it (even though we practically paid for the medal). I bought friendship rings, supposed to be only one but I impulsively bought two while telling myself it's a good investment lol. 

And so every end of the month, I suffered while waiting for my next income. But that doesn't stop me from spending to my heart's content. My brain and my heart are in constant war. Only spend what you have vs Duit boleh cari, saving2 nanti mati tak sempat guna macam mana? 

I'll come back and talk nonsense again. Today was kind of a slow morning. And I'm not feeling that good as my bestfriend is giving me silent treatment. My fault, so I just have to suck it up since I can't live without her lol.

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

#272

Might delete or archive this post later. But as of now, I needed to vent somewhere.

Does life suck? I don't think life sucks. It's the way we perceive life that sometimes make it suck. It's in our mind, our perception and thought process. When we think and see things negatively, then it sucks. But thought processes is not something that we consciously do. It was built and adapted depending on the way our upbringing was.

Basically, we think and act differently from individual to individual because no one lives the same life, and our situations, environment, upbringing, people around us - those are what influenced us to think or act certain ways.

Thought processes - even though it is something that actually occur unconsciously, is something that we can shape and nurture - of course with motivations, wants and great difficulties.

Why am I saying all this? Because I know of how negative my thought processes has been my whole life, and I think I have tried really hard to change it. But just like how everything is, when you have your ups, you eventually will experience your downs as well.

When I think I was happy, I was satisfied and contented with life, a certain thing will always bring me down. When I think I was en route to healing mentally, I couldn't help but fall into depression in the middle of it.

Honestly, I don't even know if it is right of me to say this, but right now I feel lost. Maybe it is wrong to feel this way, but I feel like I need guidance, or an anchor but I have none of it. It has always been me and me alone. I always had to try on my own to be better, most of the times I think I did a good job at it. But when depression strucks, I feel so low, as if there is no way I am going to come out of it again.

If it was a depression stemmed from my own self, I know I can always get out of it. I was depressed back in Bintulu, I made a decision to leave Bintulu. I was depressed doing oncalls, I made a decision to try KK life. But there is this one constant source of depression that isn't me and I have no way of trying to get out of it.

If there is a person I truly dislike (dislike being the mild version of what I'm actually feeling), it is my stepmother. No. She isn't even someone deserving of being called 'mother' to me. To me, she is my father's wife. I know, it is bad of me to say this. I know, I am not a good person at all. This is my side of the story, obviously it is going to be biased to me. You would have to listen to both sides of the story to choose your side, but I kind of don't care of whose side you choose or if anyone will ever want to be on my side. After all this while, it was just me and me alone after all.

I lost my own mother when I was 11, my father remarried when I was 12. After my mother passed away, I grew up without a mother's love. In Islam, an orphan is called so only when you lose your father or both. You are not deserving of being an orphan if you lose only your mother. I was never an orphan by definition, but I have felt more orphaned than I should have after my father remarried. Life without mom sucks, life with only my father was bearable and there were happy times, life after my father remarried was torturous. 

After 2001, I grew up without a mother's love. You would see me different in certain ways, obviously without a mother's love, I became stunted in expressing emotions. I didn't know how to do it moderately. I stored everything inside. Then when I exploded I cried excessively. Or I laughed excessively. I was never able to tell people I love that I love them. I assumed that people like me less. I assumed that I am undeserving of receiving people's love. So I withdrew from people first, thinking it hurt less rather than waiting for them to leave me because they eventually would. Of course, at that point of time, I thought those are normal feelings a human feel. Only now retrospectively that when I look back, I saw how emotionally stunted I was.

My IQ was acceptable. I was told to be among the brightest in high school. Even in med school, I think I passed my tests with the least effort put on studying compared to my friends. But my EQ? DOWN THE FIGURATIVE BOTTOMLESS DRAIN.

If I am to put it in a simple sentence, I was abused. Never physically of course. If it was physical abuse, it would be easier for people to understand. But it was verbal and emotional abuse. It wounded me, scarred me and it was never healing properly. 

09 May 2022 was the day I took the decision to get out of my father's house for good. It was the day I decided it was enough. Some people who knew a little of what I went through asked me to be patient for my father. But that was the day I chose myself over everyone else. I love my father - maybe I didn't know how to show it properly - but on that day, I decided that I love myself more than I love my father. It was a tough decision but a decision I did not regret. 

Instead of facing the abuse on daily basis nowadays, I reduced it to weekly basis. I visited my father weekly, and on those days I went, she would talk my ear off - sometimes rudely accusing me of stealing things, sometimes telling me how regretful she was of helping her husband during their married life together, most of the times asking me for my father's money. 

This is my side of the story. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to side with me. You don't have to give me advices. I don't care. I sinned, I know so. I hope God will see my struggle and understand why I did what I did. I hope nobody reads this. 


Tuesday, January 30, 2024

#271

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Finally a new post in 2024. 🥳

I haven't been thinking about writing for a while but never actually found the appropriate mood and time to do it. First of all, happy new year people! Though it's almost February already.

How is everyone holding up throughout this one month? I hope January wasn't so harsh on you. Even if it is, it's only January. You'll do better in the next 11 months.

Why does it feel like I'm talking to myself now? Nothing new, I am always talking to myself all the time anyway. It just feels good to be able to type in a while. I love typing, though can't do it too often. With old age comes all types of illnesses and I have been feeling a little pain over my right wrist. Need to be more careful if I want to be illness-free.

Can you see what my mood is currently? I am not in the mood to talk about something deep or philosophical as of now, I am just writing in a whim. Whatever comes to mind, I just typed it away.

I am a little excited by the way, hopefully this week is going to be an exciting one. I am going to KL in less than 24 hours to attend my first concert ever. I have no idea what to expect. I absolutely loathe crowded places and I tend to avoid it, but let's hope the concert itself is gonna make up for being around the crowd.

I had the opportunity to celebrate new year with fireworks by the beach this year. It was such an exciting experience that I don't think any other new year celebrations after this can top it. It was such a fond memory that even though it's been almost a month away, it was still able to make me smile. 

I am so looking forward to a lot more adventures and travelling in 2024. May God ease. May God bring me closer to His blessings and acceptance through everything that I am going through.

Till next time with a different mood maybe!

Sunday, September 17, 2023

#270

Is holding in anger equals to being patient?
Or is being patient means not feeling angry in situations where normal people would feel angry?

Is holding in anger a good thing? You don't blow up and shout at people and smash furniture. So I guess some people would think holding in anger is a good reaction right? 

But is it really a good thing? I really need someone to tell me, because I honestly do not know. Way back when I was in my early 20s, the way I dealt with anger was through tears. I cried whenever I felt angry. I wrote about it. I talked to myself. I was kinda closed up, I never really trusted people to tell them what I was dealing with. It was just a coping mechanism I somehow adapted to - crying. 

I cried a lot during my high school period and in my early 20s that I think I must have used up 90% of my lifetime tears? Lol.

Because somehow, nowadays I rarely cried. I used to think of myself as somewhat soft-hearted but nowadays, I am everything but. Maybe I have had enough of what I experienced throughout my childhood up to my 20s that I was somehow hardened. 

Sometimes, I felt like I am healing mentally. A part of it was true. I am happier. But nowadays when I encountered setbacks, instead of crying, I got annoyed and irritated and I started becoming impulsive. I started doing things without thinking first. This isn't a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations right? Somehow, I realized that instead of dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 1, I just started dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 2. Like I got out of one sticky situation to fall right back into another sticky situation.

I am writing right now because I am holding in my anger. Being 33 and is still being verbally and emotionally abused by one parental figure is such a pathetic thing to live in, don't you think? Why the hell am I still cooped up in this hellhole, I am also not sure. Why the hell am I still allowing myself to be trampled in emotionally when I should be adult enough to get out of it, I am also not sure. I think it's just the way we were brought up in. Our cultures told us to be good children to our parents, to repay them for taking care of us. I don't disagree, we should be thankful in life, but not every parents deserve the treatment.

People in general - specifically my relatives, my siblings, my father, my step-mother should never be proud of me. I am more broken than I am healed. I didn't grow up in an environment that helped me grow emotionally. They should never compare me with someone else of my age. Saying things like - she's married, she had 3 children now, she bought a house, she brought her parents to live with her and whatnots. I did not grow up in the same environment as they did. I lost a mother's love at 11 years old and I have been deprived of it ever since. I did not have a figure that helped nurturing me - no wonder this is how I turned out to be.

I don't care if I am being defensive and making excuses for myself. I don't care if people think I am wrong. I stopped caring about what people think of me the day I decided to move out of my father's house permanently. But not caring does not mean it stops hurting. I am still broken and hurting, no matter how much I pretended to be okay.

I am not writing this here to make it look like I have it worse than others. No. We can't compare what we experienced in our life. Everyone has different trials and tribulations, everyone has different limits, everyone just has it differently. I just want to heal. When I feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, I do not want to pretend like it's okay anymore. I do not want to keep everything inside anymore. I want to face my demons and I want to heal, no matter how long it will take.

I have came to realize that I am far from having an ordinary life. But I guess it's okay. Different people have it differently. Who I am today is the result of who I was yesterday. I had it hard, I didn't know before, though now I know. And I want to try to be accepting of it. I'm broken, but that's okay.

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

#269

I'm writing this just as a reminder for myself.

1. I have enough baggage on my own that it shouldn't be my responsibility to make others feel better. 

2. I should not feel bad when people are having a hard time, I could empathize, maybe wishing that things will eventually be better for them, but it isn't my fault that they are feeling bad in the first place, so I should not feel guilty.

3. I am allowed to be happy when people are not. Everyone lives life differently, everyone has their own pace and I should not feel guilty when I am feeling content with my life while others are not.

4. As much as I shouldn't judge others, I also cannot delude myself in believing that I understand people's actions. People do things for many different reasons, sometimes even reasons I couldn't fathom and it's not my responsibility to try understanding people's every actions.

5. As much as we try not to think about it, somehow there is a little fault in our own self for falling into some uncomfortable situations. Not many people have the courage or the mental capability to get out of some sticky situations, and it is not my responsibility to help them out of it if they don't feel like helping themselves. 


Everyone agrees that changes are inevitable, but most of the times we did not realize that we are going through some phases of changes until it's over. I am grateful that I was able to look back at myself, and I saw that I was changing - somehow for the better. At least better for my mental health. There are no ways I would entertain the idea of going out with people I am not comfortable with before, even if I have to, I'd dread the moment. However, nowadays I am looking forward to talking to people I seldom talk to, just to see how their thought processes are.

I just realized this last night. Who we surround ourselves with will influence our own thought process. And I'd like to talk to different people, some of them might help me see and understand things differently.