#276

Hey. How is it already 2026? And we are almost halfway through it already. I am neither here nor there. I thought about this space often, though I never found the time and motivations to even open it. 

Until today. While doom scrolling on Instagram yesterday, I stumbled upon this one reel about some of the researches about holidays. I can't really remember exactly but it's about how you should spend minimum number of days on a holiday no less than 3 days. Because it's only on the third day when all your brain chemistries finally get used to the idea of yourself being someplace new and that's when you will start enjoying the trip.  

Now, why I am talking about this is because I think it also applies to those off days you spend at home. During the first and second day of my off days - I literally wasted the days by rotting on my bed. I made plans in my head but those plans, remained only inside my head lol. And today, the third day, which sadly is also the last day, is the day I decided to be a little more productive. I cooked. I did my laundries. Bare minimum, I know. But in my dictionary, it's productive enough. And hey, I finally opened blogspot in 2026 and started writing for the first time this year! 

I had to go to work in less than 2 hours, had to get ready in about 30 minutes but I just wanted to write something here today. Nothing significant. It's just that when I read this post later, maybe in a few more years to come, I hope I am loving myself more than I am right now. It's a battle you know. Some days you find it hard to come to terms with yourself. 

And I think my 2026 haven't even started yet. You know why? I'll let you know one day. Time passed by so fast, but I couldn't wait for it to be June and July soon. 

#275

There is this quote I heard while listening to a mental health podcast about mindset. It goes like this - "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten."

It sounds cool, so it kinda stuck in me. I am writing right now as a mean to rearrange and reorganize my thoughts because it feels like everything is tangled up inside. And when it becomes so noisy in there, you know what is the one thing that can quieten it? Studying medicine. Wow, indeed. At least to me, who is lazy to learn. When I started voluntarily to study, a red flag pops up in me. It means I am at the verge of something. Of what - I don't know.

I know how people say that healing isn't linear, but sometimes I wonder to myself, do I even heal at all? I must be, if not much maybe a little, but I keep feeling stuck. I started questioning things. Like, I have always planned to be here until I retire, but now..I think I do want to see some progress. 

Because I feel stuck. I need to do something different so as not to feel stuck. Routine is good, but sometimes it stops you from healing you know. You can't heal if you are stuck. 

I miss those days when I feel fulfilled. Those days when I feel satisfied with whatever is going on. Nowadays, fulfillment feels like a far-fetched word. 

Okay, I'm gonna sign out and think of what kind of difference should I make after this. Byebye.

#274

What would be the hardest about living alone is feeling lonely.

Most of the time, I could say I lived well. Most of the time, I preferred being alone instead of being around people. I am good at faking myself, so around people, they would see me as someone who is always laughing and joking around. Whenever I am alone, I am simply in the moment. Me, myself and I.

But there are times, when I do feel like I want to be loved, cared and understood. And those times were the loneliest. Those times were when I would crawl into my figurative cave, be moody, screaming for help to be noticed inside, but outside I am still functioning like a normal adult. A human who is hollow. 

Is it because my soul isn't full? But this is a disease of biochemical imbalance. The result of my childhood. The result of growing up the way I did. I am facing the consequences now. It isn't anyone's fault. Not my own, nor my parents. It's just the way it is.

I am screaming right now, but no one heard me. 

Help me. Help me. Help me. 

#273

Hey. How is it already September? I didn't even remember how I went through the past 8 months. Somehow the saying is true that; the day feels long but the year passes by in a flash.

2024 has been such a roller coaster ride for me. This is a saying that people say and hear all the time right. But really, I was in the lowest of the lowest and there were also moments when I was so high up in the sky.

2024 was about me falling down to rock bottom. 2024 was about me struggling to come up for air. 2024 was about me acknowledging that I needed help. 2024 was about me asking for help; literally. 2024 was about me acknowledging that life sucks because it was how I wanted it to be. 2024 was about loving people by choice, but at the same time knowing that being tied up to responsibilities is something you cannot avoid, no matter how much you wanted to escape. 2024 was about prioritizing myself and not allowing people to dictate how I should feel. 2024 was about accepting that I have flaws, and to some people I might be a villain in their life, but it is okay. 2024 was about letting it be. 

I made a few good memories as well in 2024. I travelled with people whom I genuinely care and love. I had some me time to enjoy things that I love. I ran. I participated in a few 5km funruns. It was exhilarating, running with your friends and getting a medal for it (even though we practically paid for the medal). I bought friendship rings, supposed to be only one but I impulsively bought two while telling myself it's a good investment lol. 

And so every end of the month, I suffered while waiting for my next income. But that doesn't stop me from spending to my heart's content. My brain and my heart are in constant war. Only spend what you have vs Duit boleh cari, saving2 nanti mati tak sempat guna macam mana? 

I'll come back and talk nonsense again. Today was kind of a slow morning. And I'm not feeling that good as my bestfriend is giving me silent treatment. My fault, so I just have to suck it up since I can't live without her lol.

#272

Might delete or archive this post later. But as of now, I needed to vent somewhere.

Does life suck? I don't think life sucks. It's the way we perceive life that sometimes make it suck. It's in our mind, our perception and thought process. When we think and see things negatively, then it sucks. But thought processes is not something that we consciously do. It was built and adapted depending on the way our upbringing was.

Basically, we think and act differently from individual to individual because no one lives the same life, and our situations, environment, upbringing, people around us - those are what influenced us to think or act certain ways.

Thought processes - even though it is something that actually occur unconsciously, is something that we can shape and nurture - of course with motivations, wants and great difficulties.

Why am I saying all this? Because I know of how negative my thought processes has been my whole life, and I think I have tried really hard to change it. But just like how everything is, when you have your ups, you eventually will experience your downs as well.

When I think I was happy, I was satisfied and contented with life, a certain thing will always bring me down. When I think I was en route to healing mentally, I couldn't help but fall into depression in the middle of it.

Honestly, I don't even know if it is right of me to say this, but right now I feel lost. Maybe it is wrong to feel this way, but I feel like I need guidance, or an anchor but I have none of it. It has always been me and me alone. I always had to try on my own to be better, most of the times I think I did a good job at it. But when depression strucks, I feel so low, as if there is no way I am going to come out of it again.

If it was a depression stemmed from my own self, I know I can always get out of it. I was depressed back in Bintulu, I made a decision to leave Bintulu. I was depressed doing oncalls, I made a decision to try KK life. But there is this one constant source of depression that isn't me and I have no way of trying to get out of it.

If there is a person I truly dislike (dislike being the mild version of what I'm actually feeling), it is my stepmother. No. She isn't even someone deserving of being called 'mother' to me. To me, she is my father's wife. I know, it is bad of me to say this. I know, I am not a good person at all. This is my side of the story, obviously it is going to be biased to me. You would have to listen to both sides of the story to choose your side, but I kind of don't care of whose side you choose or if anyone will ever want to be on my side. After all this while, it was just me and me alone after all.

I lost my own mother when I was 11, my father remarried when I was 12. After my mother passed away, I grew up without a mother's love. In Islam, an orphan is called so only when you lose your father or both. You are not deserving of being an orphan if you lose only your mother. I was never an orphan by definition, but I have felt more orphaned than I should have after my father remarried. Life without mom sucks, life with only my father was bearable and there were happy times, life after my father remarried was torturous. 

After 2001, I grew up without a mother's love. You would see me different in certain ways, obviously without a mother's love, I became stunted in expressing emotions. I didn't know how to do it moderately. I stored everything inside. Then when I exploded I cried excessively. Or I laughed excessively. I was never able to tell people I love that I love them. I assumed that people like me less. I assumed that I am undeserving of receiving people's love. So I withdrew from people first, thinking it hurt less rather than waiting for them to leave me because they eventually would. Of course, at that point of time, I thought those are normal feelings a human feel. Only now retrospectively that when I look back, I saw how emotionally stunted I was.

My IQ was acceptable. I was told to be among the brightest in high school. Even in med school, I think I passed my tests with the least effort put on studying compared to my friends. But my EQ? DOWN THE FIGURATIVE BOTTOMLESS DRAIN.

If I am to put it in a simple sentence, I was abused. Never physically of course. If it was physical abuse, it would be easier for people to understand. But it was verbal and emotional abuse. It wounded me, scarred me and it was never healing properly. 

09 May 2022 was the day I took the decision to get out of my father's house for good. It was the day I decided it was enough. Some people who knew a little of what I went through asked me to be patient for my father. But that was the day I chose myself over everyone else. I love my father - maybe I didn't know how to show it properly - but on that day, I decided that I love myself more than I love my father. It was a tough decision but a decision I did not regret. 

Instead of facing the abuse on daily basis nowadays, I reduced it to weekly basis. I visited my father weekly, and on those days I went, she would talk my ear off - sometimes rudely accusing me of stealing things, sometimes telling me how regretful she was of helping her husband during their married life together, most of the times asking me for my father's money. 

This is my side of the story. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to side with me. You don't have to give me advices. I don't care. I sinned, I know so. I hope God will see my struggle and understand why I did what I did. I hope nobody reads this. 

#271

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Finally a new post in 2024. 🥳

I haven't been thinking about writing for a while but never actually found the appropriate mood and time to do it. First of all, happy new year people! Though it's almost February already.

How is everyone holding up throughout this one month? I hope January wasn't so harsh on you. Even if it is, it's only January. You'll do better in the next 11 months.

Why does it feel like I'm talking to myself now? Nothing new, I am always talking to myself all the time anyway. It just feels good to be able to type in a while. I love typing, though can't do it too often. With old age comes all types of illnesses and I have been feeling a little pain over my right wrist. Need to be more careful if I want to be illness-free.

Can you see what my mood is currently? I am not in the mood to talk about something deep or philosophical as of now, I am just writing in a whim. Whatever comes to mind, I just typed it away.

I am a little excited by the way, hopefully this week is going to be an exciting one. I am going to KL in less than 24 hours to attend my first concert ever. I have no idea what to expect. I absolutely loathe crowded places and I tend to avoid it, but let's hope the concert itself is gonna make up for being around the crowd.

I had the opportunity to celebrate new year with fireworks by the beach this year. It was such an exciting experience that I don't think any other new year celebrations after this can top it. It was such a fond memory that even though it's been almost a month away, it was still able to make me smile. 

I am so looking forward to a lot more adventures and travelling in 2024. May God ease. May God bring me closer to His blessings and acceptance through everything that I am going through.

Till next time with a different mood maybe!

#270

Is holding in anger equals to being patient?

Or is being patient means not feeling angry in situations where normal people would feel angry?

Is holding in anger a good thing? You don't blow up and shout at people and smash furniture. So I guess some people would think holding in anger is a good reaction right? 

But is it really a good thing? I really need someone to tell me, because I honestly do not know. Way back when I was in my early 20s, the way I dealt with anger was through tears. I cried whenever I felt angry. I wrote about it. I talked to myself. I was kinda closed up, I never really trusted people to tell them what I was dealing with. It was just a coping mechanism I somehow adapted to - crying. 

I cried a lot during my high school period and in my early 20s that I think I must have used up 90% of my lifetime tears? Lol.

Because somehow, nowadays I rarely cried. I used to think of myself as somewhat soft-hearted but nowadays, I am everything but. Maybe I have had enough of what I experienced throughout my childhood up to my 20s that I was somehow hardened. 

Sometimes, I felt like I am healing mentally. A part of it was true. I am happier. But nowadays when I encountered setbacks, instead of crying, I got annoyed and irritated and I started becoming impulsive. I started doing things without thinking first. This isn't a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations right? Somehow, I realized that instead of dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 1, I just started dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 2. Like I got out of one sticky situation to fall right back into another sticky situation.

I am writing right now because I am holding in my anger. Being 33 and is still being verbally and emotionally abused by one parental figure is such a pathetic thing to live in, don't you think? Why the hell am I still cooped up in this hellhole, I am also not sure. Why the hell am I still allowing myself to be trampled in emotionally when I should be adult enough to get out of it, I am also not sure. I think it's just the way we were brought up in. Our cultures told us to be good children to our parents, to repay them for taking care of us. I don't disagree, we should be thankful in life, but not every parents deserve the treatment.

People in general - specifically my relatives, my siblings, my father, my step-mother should never be proud of me. I am more broken than I am healed. I didn't grow up in an environment that helped me grow emotionally. They should never compare me with someone else of my age. Saying things like - she's married, she had 3 children now, she bought a house, she brought her parents to live with her and whatnots. I did not grow up in the same environment as they did. I lost a mother's love at 11 years old and I have been deprived of it ever since. I did not have a figure that helped nurturing me - no wonder this is how I turned out to be.

I don't care if I am being defensive and making excuses for myself. I don't care if people think I am wrong. I stopped caring about what people think of me the day I decided to move out of my father's house permanently. But not caring does not mean it stops hurting. I am still broken and hurting, no matter how much I pretended to be okay.

I am not writing this here to make it look like I have it worse than others. No. We can't compare what we experienced in our life. Everyone has different trials and tribulations, everyone has different limits, everyone just has it differently. I just want to heal. When I feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, I do not want to pretend like it's okay anymore. I do not want to keep everything inside anymore. I want to face my demons and I want to heal, no matter how long it will take.

I have came to realize that I am far from having an ordinary life. But I guess it's okay. Different people have it differently. Who I am today is the result of who I was yesterday. I had it hard, I didn't know before, though now I know. And I want to try to be accepting of it. I'm broken, but that's okay.

#269

I'm writing this just as a reminder for myself.

1. I have enough baggage on my own that it shouldn't be my responsibility to make others feel better. 

2. I should not feel bad when people are having a hard time, I could empathize, maybe wishing that things will eventually be better for them, but it isn't my fault that they are feeling bad in the first place, so I should not feel guilty.

3. I am allowed to be happy when people are not. Everyone lives life differently, everyone has their own pace and I should not feel guilty when I am feeling content with my life while others are not.

4. As much as I shouldn't judge others, I also cannot delude myself in believing that I understand people's actions. People do things for many different reasons, sometimes even reasons I couldn't fathom and it's not my responsibility to try understanding people's every actions.

5. As much as we try not to think about it, somehow there is a little fault in our own self for falling into some uncomfortable situations. Not many people have the courage or the mental capability to get out of some sticky situations, and it is not my responsibility to help them out of it if they don't feel like helping themselves. 

Everyone agrees that changes are inevitable, but most of the times we did not realize that we are going through some phases of changes until it's over. I am grateful that I was able to look back at myself, and I saw that I was changing - somehow for the better. At least better for my mental health. There are no ways I would entertain the idea of going out with people I am not comfortable with before, even if I have to, I'd dread the moment. However, nowadays I am looking forward to talking to people I seldom talk to, just to see how their thought processes are.

I just realized this last night. Who we surround ourselves with will influence our own thought process. And I'd like to talk to different people, some of them might help me see and understand things differently.

#268

Okay this is a spur of the moment post, which will likely be just me rambling nonsense until I feel like there's so much nonsense that I should stop.

I am in the middle of trying to force myself to focus on doing intellectual and productive works. But just how I always am, I yawn within the first 10 minutes. 5 hours has passed, now nearing 6 hours, and I am still forcing myself, which somehow hasn't shown any positive progress.

I am in the middle of the bridge - contemplating whether I should just say to hell with it and pack and go home and sleep or forcing myself somemore so that I will not be a disappointment to my future self. My future self, as in myself next week who would be regretting not finishing my works earlier and procrastinating until the last minute.

Right now, whatever I have been reading seems like a lullaby, nothing goes into my head, they only pass from one eye to another. I'm a disappointment. T_T

I wish people will text me and distract me from focusing on being a disappointment, but I guess everyone wants me to be disappointed. T_T

Okay bye. This is not the real me. This is the me in this moment. 

#267

July has been taxing to me so far. Physically and emotionally.

When you reach my age, everything feels a little more intense than usual? I'm not sure if I am speaking on behalf of people my age, or it's just me feeling this way. I feel like there are a lot of things in my mind and it would be so nice if I am able to spill them all out, but I find it difficult to mold them into words. I wish I was still good with words but apparently I'm not.

It's only mid-July but this month has taught me a few things so far :

1. I'm addicted to travelling and I cannot decide whether it is a healthy coping mechanism or otherwise. It's only been about one month since my last travel - 3 weekends that I've been cooped up in Perlis, but I feel restless. Because for me it's either all or none. If I don't travel and spend almost 20K steps walking, I'd be wrapped in my blanket the whole day with barely 100 steps accomplished. Days spent being lazy are good once in a while, but I tend to be lazy to such extreme that I will feel disappointed with myself when the day is over. 

2. I'm addicted to travelling but with current commitments, I might not have the financial capability to maintain such lifestyle. I wake up everyday and I am thankful that I am one single lady who does not have the commitment of a family to maintain. I am barely hanging on on my own, let alone if I have 2 kids to maintain. LOL. There are things (luxuries) that I might have to cut down if I do not want to find ways to look for more money (locum?), and cutting down on travelling feels like hurting myself physically.

3. There are responsibilities you are expected to bear on your shoulder even if you hate it to the core. I couldn't understand this simple sentence at first you know? I am always here and there preaching about doing things that you want, things that make you happy, things that you will regret the least, but then we kinda live in a society where social interactions are needed to continue living you know? So I am in the middle of trying to come to term that even if I hate this one particular thing, I just have to face it - unless if I feel like running off to a faraway country, which of course sounds tempting but not achievable practically.

4. I have been learning about minds - consciously and unconsciously. It feels like God wants me to learn about it, for what I am still not sure though. It seems like a topic that has been hanging around me for the past week. I went to a course about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy last week, and even though the course was done so that I could treat patients better, it turned out to be a course that made me understand myself a little more. Then I had a conversation with my colleague, Vaish about seeing people's actions in a psychological point of view, and it's surprising how when we change the way we see things, our opinion evolves too. And Tinesh shared with me an extract from a book he's been reading (Think Like A Monk) about The Monkey Mind - and it's also about this. Maybe later if I have the 'mind' for it, I would write in length about this.

5. At the age of 30, I learnt that being attached to people are detrimental to your mental health. Even though we cannot live without interactions with other people, there are reasons why people say we cannot allow ourselves to get attached too much emotionally to others. Since then I kinda keep myself closed off, opening up when I feel like I need to but I am always reminding myself that people are bound to go away from your life. Today, I would like to remind myself again about this, that it's okay to seize and enjoy the moment with people who are currently in my life, but do remember that it will not last forever and they are bound to go away one day.

#266

I keep wanting to write but never had enough motivations to do so. Is it because I haven't been reading a lot, hence I stopped knowing what to write?

Maybe I should write more about my daily life, about what I encounter on daily basis. Will it be a topic interesting enough to read?

One of my specialists back in Bintulu texted me a few days ago, wishing me Selamat Hari Raya. While we were texting, I asked her a question : Will you be disappointed with me if I don't pursue my studies and end up being a chronic MO? She then replied : I won't. I just want you to be happy with what you are doing.

You know what, honestly, not that her opinion matters. Not that anyone else's opinions matter. But having someone to actually voice it out that my happiness matters more than my career progress kinda feels liberating and relieving. 

Being 33 this year and you would think that I must have already had it all, like I must have been living the kind of life I want for myself. Stable in every ways possible, adulting well and handling life perfectly. But if you still haven't figured it out, your age really does not have anything to do with how great you are at handling your life. I'm still clueless most of the times. There are many things that I am still awkward doing and not knowing how to do at all. Like how last week was my first experience on buying a freaking watermelon. I never had to go to a fruit stall to buy one whole huge chunk of watermelon because who would I buy it for anyway? But Makteh asked me to and I was awkward doing it, but that mundane thing gave me one whole experience that I felt great having. Do you understand what I mean? Do you get it? I bet you don't, I bet you think that I'm just rambling.

Well, I am rambling. But it's because if there is anything aging taught me, it is to appreciate the little and ordinary things that are happening in my life. I used to dream of an ordinary life since I was in high school. I wanted to be a teacher or to do an office job. I wanted to work 8 to 5 and then have the weekend off to spend with my family. I want to get married and have kids and age doing what people do in a normal and ordinary life.

But somehow my life is a little bit out of its tangent now. I'm living alone and it seems like I won't be getting married in the near future or at all, but I feel like my life is as ordinary as it can get right now, and I'm loving being able to find the silver linings and enjoy every seconds of it despite how ordinary it is. 

I find joys reconnecting with families and friends. I find it more enjoyable to spend my time outside talking with my friends than cooping up inside my own four-walled bedroom. Not that I don't spend time with myself at all, I still need some space and time to myself, but I don't actively avoid going out now like how I used to before. I'm feeling so happy now there is no way people will believe me.

People will think that I am still incomplete - because for people, to be complete you have to be married and further progress in your career, but people have no idea how complete I feel as of now. I'm so grateful to God that I feel like I still don't feel grateful enough.

My life isn't perfect. I am still that person who used to be depressed with negative mindsets, and sometimes the graph of my life goes down but I guess I'm just going to accept that I am having a bipolar personality where I'll be manic on one day and depressed the next day and that's okay. I'm okay. I'm perfectly fine with how imperfect my life is. 

If there are still people who come across this boring post and able to finish reading it till now, I hope you will be able to stand up tall and tell yourself that you're perfectly okay. Okay for being not okay and okay when you are okay. 

#265

Hi. I am currently writing in Microsoft Word, somehow I can’t go online due to some poor connection problems, so I’m writing here in hope of transferring this to my blog later. Let’s see how it goes.

It’s the end of the first weekend in 2023. It’s 2246H on Sunday as of now, and I am already feeling the Monday blues creeping into my backbone.

But. That wasn’t what I wanted to write about. The first week of January 2023 taught me something and I wanted to put it here so that I would be able to read it again in the future, in hope that I would be able to remember the exact emotions that I am currently feeling.

Nothing much happened to me in this first week, but I saw how some people around me experienced some big changes in their life back in 2022 and early 2023. And it made me reflect on myself, and unfortunately I started comparing things. So this is just a post about me giving myself a pep talk.

I have talked a lot about 2022 in here. Personally, 2022 has been quite a growth from me. I grew in many ways and I came out of it feeling a little better about myself. But when I looked back, I could see that I was trying so hard to chase after some sense of happiness and a little bit of mental health that I stopped looking around. Of course, I still believe that what matters the most to me is myself, my health and my happiness. But at the same time I didn’t see how some people out there, being the same age as me or even younger, are struggling in their life in ways that I couldn’t even comprehend myself being in.

And hence, I started comparing myself. I felt that I was grateful for everything that God let me experience and feel in 2022, but I forgot to see how people around me are doing. I was busy trying to survive myself that I didn’t even realize that there are people who might need my help out there. Of course, I am one person, what kind of things do I think I would be able to do to offer help? Will it make the world a better place? Nope. But I just feel bad. Like my bubble was just burst and then only I saw that it’s not only me who’s struggling, everyone is struggling and some even struggled more than myself.

And that’s why I wanted to give myself a reminder.

 

Dear Narshiela Saad, no matter what, the struggles that you went through are uniquely yours and are incomparable. Everyone is facing their own battles, and no one battle is harder than the other. We are being tested based on our own strength and we all handle them differently. I am proud of myself for being healthier mentally, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for going out of my comfort zones, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for connecting with people first, when I never did that before. I am proud of myself for breaking down and not holding everything in and admitting that I am facing a hard time. I am proud to be enjoying little things in life that I used to take for granted before.

And so I hope I will continue to be myself. There are many ways that people do to cope with their own life and problems. I sometimes feel bad to be sharing a lot of things on Instagram / Facebook or even here, but then I want to be okay with doing it. That’s just how I cope. My coping mechanism hasn’t always been healthy. I used to escape and run away and hide in my figurative cave more frequent previously, though I still do that sometimes, I do believe that I’m healing better. 

Someone said, “I was able to love myself by distancing myself from the thought of loving myself.” I have yet to understand what this really means. Maybe one day when I am finally able to truly love myself, I will be able to know what this actually means.

 

#264

Hi. 

Happy New Year 2023 to anyone who is still lurking around blogspots.

Sangat ketinggalan zamankah, to still be using this when everyone else seems to have moved on to other social platforms? People all over are recording short videos for tiktoks nowadays and trust me, I will start using tiktok when people would have already moved on to a newer social platform in the future.

There is beauty in sharing pictures and videos, I don't doubt that. But I can't just forget that writing is kind of healing for me. Writing used to be my passion even before I own a phone that has camera in it. Nowadays, I don't think I will be able to write the way I used to, but I refuse to leave it altogether. Once in a while, I would force myself to ramble something in here, even though it is meaningless. 

It's 2023 now. Time does fly fast, don't you think? I think 2022 has been my happiest year to date. In 2022, I was able to travel a lot and I was able to do things that I wanted to do without being held back. You know what usually holds me back? My own insecurities. All of the what-ifs. When I braved myself and crossed that bridge, I found out that it wasn't all that bad. I still lived, didn't I? If there are people reading this and arestill on the edge of whether wanting to do something or not, I think you should. You won't know without trying and you will forever live with the guilt of the what-ifs. And if you tried but then failed, at least you tried, right?

2022 wasn't all rainbows for me however. Like I mentioned in my previous post, my father was sick. (Alhamdullilah he's better now). But it was a trying time for me. I was on depression due to it for a while but as he gets better, I am also getting better. It was my first time caring for a sick family member, and I found out that there are many things that I need to learn still. I realized that my father depended on me as well. It was a strange feeling you know. In my mind, he is still the father figure who is so strong, but I just have to admit that he's older now, and weaker and he will need me more than I need him now.

For 2023, of course I would have to be typical to come out with new year resolutions right? I am doubting myself that I will be able to achieve these resolutions so I'm keeping it very minimum.

1. I would want to live in my own house (basically still the bank's house but still..let me dream of it). I started paying for my own house since October, received the keys in October, currently still under renovations and I am giddy about decorating the house even though I have zero artistic bone in me. Hopefully, by Hari Raya in April, my siblings and I would be able to have a gathering in there.

2. I wanted to lose more weight. I was 66.6kg when I entered 2022. Weighed myself today and I am at 59.95kg (refuse to round it up to 60kg I don't care). Hopefully I would be able to lose another..4kg? 5kg? By the end of the year? Let's hope so. I have reached that plateau so it will be harder to lose more weight now, but since dreaming is free so why not right? 

3. No matter what, I will not let money hold any power over me. Savings are good, but it shouldn't hinder you from enjoying life. Do not have the mindset that I'm saving now so that I will have an easier life in the future. You have no idea how long will you live. Savings are good, but enjoying the moment is also good. I refuse to stop myself from enjoying a little luxury now just because I need to save for the future. And with that, I wish that I would be able to travel more in 2023. Maybe one trip outside Malaysia? Like how I used to do before the pandemic?

The picture above is of me in The Habitat, Penang Hill back in September I think. I was there exploring alone, so no one to take a picture of me hence the very awkward angle of my phone on the floor. 

I will write again, though I won't put pressure on myself by putting a timeline on when it will be. I hope whoever comes across this will have a healthy and beautiful 2023. :)

#263

Hi. To whomever who would still be reading a blog nowadays.

I'm like stuck in this phase where I cannot catch up with the advancing technology nowadays, I'm doing everything old school. I guess it's just my age catching up with me. 

November has been a hell of a month for me. I couldn't even remember what happened in the early parts of the month as I was so occupied with the latter half. My father fell ill. My strong willed father who used to walk around the village and who used to ride his motorbike every morning and who used to read newspapers every morning fell ill. One day he was fine then the next he couldn't even sit up on his own.

This has been a new experience for me. I am a doctor but I was never the family member who took care of sick family members. I was worried for him, scared for myself and I was annoyed and irritated with everyone else. It was exhausting you know. He was admitted for 3 nights, and there was only me to take care of him during his hospitalization. No one else was willing to take turns with me to accompany him in the hospital, so I have to stay with him day and night. He was getting better the day he got discharged but then at home his condition deteriorated again. He was still lethargic and I think he was feeling sad as well. 

I was tired myself, but I feel so helpless that I do not know how to make him feel better. I'm annoyed with everyone else as well. I felt so alone. The whole village was all his relatives and none care enough to pay him a visit. And I also needed the physical and moral support. So yeah, this whole ordeal has taken a toll on me. Not that I'm regretting to be taking care of him, he is my father, I do want to take care of him, I just hope that people will help me to take care of him. 

I don't know if people are still reading blogs, but if anyone comes across this post, would you please spend a minute to pray for his health, please? I miss my goofy and energetic father. The one thing he told me that shattered my heart was when he went to the toilet one night, but then unable to stand up and walk back to his bed, I was unable to lift him up as well, then he said "Adik, awat Pak jadi lagu ni?" It freaking shattered my heart you know. He used to be healthy and well and suddenly he couldn't even sit up on his own. 

Ya Allah, I know I am not the most obedient of your servants, I would understand if You won't be listening to my prayers, but I am a weak and selfish human being who can only turn to You in times of need, please grant my father health just the way he was before.  

#262

Hi.

I don't exactly know what I want to write. My birthday passed and I am 32 now. What I learnt after being a year older is - I am not getting younger and healthier. I finally got sick, like really sick (in my understanding of sickness) I have to take a course of antibiotics. You see, I am proud of myself of the fact that I never really got sick before. Sure, 2 to 3 days of fever, but nothing that hinder me from going through my life like usual. But this time around, well at least I wasn't bedridden, but to be dependent on daily PPI for acute gastritis that I had never really experienced before is a new thing I can't get used to. And recurrent URTI that never really went away for the whole month until after I finally convinced myself to take antibiotics - something I never did since 13. I am really getting old.

At least it made me realize where I am now. My body is not like what it was before, and I shouldn't be taking it for granted.

The other thing is, sickness made me feel really lonely. I was fine living alone, in fact I love living alone, I thrive to live and be alone. But sickness made me feel so shitty for being alone. Sickness made me wish that there is someone by my side who would cook me porridge, rub my back and neck when I vomited out my whole lunch, took off my glasses when I slept with it still on, reminded me to take my medications on time and just be there checking up and caring for me you know. 

But at the age of 32, I kind of realize that that is a dream that might not ever see reality at all. Truthfully, since I was a teenager with raging hormones, I have always thought that I would never be married or tied to another person for life. I guess my teenage self just knew it. Deep down, even though I crave for it because that was just how we were created to feel, it will always be something out of my reach. 

I do not in any way know what future holds. But at 32, I am not actively looking for a partner. I wish I had one, but I guess I'm jaded now. I wish I had one, but I don't think having a partner will make me happier. I wish I had one, but who am I to blame that the one I wanted to be with will never be mine and maybe one experience is enough to last me a lifetime. 

#261

Hello. Hi.

Wow, hate to say this to myself, but see how hangat-hangat tahi ayam I was? I posted 5 entries from February to April then I disappeared for a total of 2 months. Typical me. I always had difficulties in finishing what I started. 

Tinesh used to say that I kept downgrading and badmouthing myself. Take this for example, I kind of had an excessive weight gain during my 3 years in Bintulu, so when I returned to Perlis, I was self-conscious that people will start commenting about my weight gain. So before people do exactly that and make me feel bad, I do that to myself first. Before people say "hey you seemed to have gained weight", I would first say "I have gained some weights for the past 3 years right?". 

I feel like it is some kind of defense mechanism, I don't want people to say things that might hurt me, so why not I say it first? I don't feel as hurt if I said it first so I think that's okay. But today when Tinesh pointed out that I have been downgrading myself, I wondered whether it is a good thing to do?

Okay I can't write a lot. I am in the middle of finishing my slide presentations when I just needed to distract myself for a while from it. This is an unplanned blog post with no meanings whatsoever except that I hated that I haven't been writing consistently for the past 2 months.

I'll be back. Sooner? Later? Not sure. Whenever I feel like it I guess.

If anyone happens to read this, I hope you have a good day. :)

#260

Hello. Hi.
Selamat berpuasa to those who are fasting. My first Ramadhan in Perlis after 3 years.

Puasa dekat Bintulu happened in a whim, so busy with works that the month just passed by so fast. Now in Perlis, I'm kind of on a long break so I get to fast and reflect a little on myself.

I always had this itch to write, I always had ideas on what to write, but guess what stopped me? My number one enemy, or -ies. Laziness and procrastination. I have a lot of unfinished drafts, had no idea when I will be finishing them.

March came and went by. I made a lot of memories and also lost a lot of money in March. Lol. I travelled to Perhentian Island with Tinesh one weekend, then went to Langkawi Island with Syafiqah the next weekend. I guess I am living my best life. Too bad this best life requires a lot of money. I'm not earning enough still.

But. I know it is a good thing to save money. It's a good thing to plan for your future. But I refuse to sacrifice my happiness in the present for my future. My priority as of now is my happiness and if it means spending a little more money than I should, then so be it. Why do I sound like a broken record though? It feels like I've been saying this same thing once upon a blog post, but I guess I'll just say it again as a reminder for myself.

I am eternally grateful that I am able to feel happiness. I am eternally grateful that I am able to be emotionally stable (most of the days). I am eternally grateful I am able to smile and laugh sincerely with people around me, and not faking them like I used to do before. I am eternally grateful that I am able to recognize this happiness and be grateful about it. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to travel around. I guess I did find my passion.

I'll come back again. I can see that it will be very soon. 

See my instagram for pictures in Perhentian and Langkawi. Eh seriously lah cantik sangat laut. Too lazy to upload the pictures here, maybe next time. 

#259

It's already my sleeping time, but here I am in front of my laptop. Waiting for someone who asked me to wait for 10 minutes - 45 minutes ago. 

I have nothing to write about, I just felt this sudden figurative itchiness that couldn't seem to go away if I didn't start writing. I realized one thing about myself - well, actually this is a general knowledge that apply to everyone as well. People write what they read. I haven't been able to write that frequently or at all for the past few years; of course I attributed the main reason to being busy from working, but at the same time it's also because I haven't been able to read a lot. I spent most of the times seeking entertainment in the shape of movies or dramas. I don't really have nothing to write about - besides some short captions on FB or IG once in a while.

But now I have been reading - nothing mind blowing or life changing though. It somehow made me ease back into reading and writing in English. To actually have the itch to write is something I welcome happily, it's not everyday I have such itch. It hasn't been there for the past 5 years at least.

Now that I think I'm starting to write again (not promising how long this might last, it might just be a temporary manic phase or something like that), I'm going to write a lot of gibberish in here. Sometimes there might just be jumble of words with no points but I kind of not care, as long as I'm writing. I could be typing down the ABCs for all I care and I would be happy that I was able to just write. 

I have a lot of ideas of what I want to write about, I hope I would be able to find the time and the mood to actually do it. There are no words that can easily explain or express what I am feeling now, I just have sudden rush of energy to do things (again, might just be me in my manic phase) - and currently it is writing. I feel like my heart is swelling inside my ribcage and to keep it under control, I have to write and let at least a speck of my feelings out in the open. 

Characteristically, I have changed a lot. Those who knew me before Bintulu happened will not recognize me now. Not that I am in touch with most of them anyway. But recently, it annoyed me so much when a friend back then insinuated that I am still childish and cried easily. If anything I am more volatile nowadays, and I don't just accept things said about me that I find wrong or irritating. But of course, the friend wasn't at fault, I was childish and cried easily back then, now I couldn't remember the last time I got emotional and cried. I still get emotional, but I just don't cry anymore - unless when I'm watching sad movies or reading sad stories. 

Who said life took a better turn for me? Life was still hard, and I was hardened. Life is still shitty, I just don't give a shit about it as much as I did before. Life is still hard, but I learnt how to work around it and make it count somehow. 

It's really late for an old woman like me to still be awake at this hour. I'd wake up cranky tomorrow. I'll sleep now. 

Sleep well people. Whatever you are facing, do not lose sleep over it. Sleep is a mean of escape from your shitty reality - take this piece of advise from a notorious escapist a.k.a me. 

#258

Hello. Hi.

I hate to be someone who is overdiagnosing one's self. Some people tend to exaggerate symptoms to gain sympathy - it is not wrong in my opinion, sometimes it was done subconsciously rather than actively looking for reactions. Sometimes it is just our own way of defensive mechanism.

For the past 2 or 3 days, I couldn't really get myself over the thought that if not a lot, maybe I am a liiiiitle sick in the head. Of all the psychiatric disorders that I know, I think I relate the most to bipolar disorder. I am not straight out depressive. I don't feel sad or gloomy all the time - sometimes I do. But there are also moments when I was more expressive and excited than I usually am on normal mundane days.

A few nights ago, I was being giddy over a dream of travelling somewhere and Tinesh said, "Why are you being so excited in the middle of the night?" That's just who I am. I sometimes got stuck over a topic, got excited over it and couldn't stop talking about it regardless of the time of the day it happened. Of all people around me, Tinesh might see me most in my phases of being either depressive or manic. When I am in my pessimist mode, he will then be bombarded with insecure questions and many self depreciating moments by yours truly

I will not say I am like someone who has fullblown bipolar disorder, there are degrees in every disease - mild, moderate, severe. Mine would be mild I believe, if I have it at all. Maybe I am just reading too much into things, making something out of nothing, but I'd like to believe that nowadays I am able to see myself more objectively. There is nothing wrong about having some loose screws up in your head I guess, as long as it is not downright harmful? I am still a functional part of the society, and even if I am making things up that I don't have, believing that I do actually have it made me more conscious about the way I take care of my feelings and myself. Am I even making sense right now?

By the way, I tried taking one of the many quizzes floating all over Internet about this disorder and what it says about myself - the result being that I showed moderate indication of bipolar disorder. It's not diagnostic, just a screening test that might help people to look further inside themselves and search for help if needed.

Our society I believe isn't one that is yet fully accepting of mental health disorders. Sometimes we just like to label it as something else - Malas. Gila. Kuat perasan. Kuat gelabah. Attention seeker. Lemah etc. But I hope those people who do have those disorders heal. Not cured, but healed. Acceptance of one's illness is also a road towards healing. It should not be a taboo subject. It is just something that is not widely acknowledged in our society hence it was being underdiagnosed. 

Maybe next time, when I am in the mood, I would like to write about another so-called taboo subject - abuse. Not promising anything because I need to be in a certain mood to talk about it, because what I am talking about are mostly personal experiences. I am not trying actively to change people or make the world a better place by writing, I am simply sharing things in hope someone would care enough to read, even if no one does, I am simply writing to get it out of my system and make myself a little better.

Be safe people. COVID cases are increasing again. Take care of yourself. And I hope the day will come when we will be able to embrace our inner selves fully. 

#257

 Hello again.

A pat on the back for myself for writing again in the same year as the previous post. I guess I do not need people to read my blog for me to feel validated. Currently I am just happy that I could continue typing even if I am saying nonsense. Not 100%, but I guess I am proud of myself a little that I am able to do things that make me feel better about myself without depending on other people.

Right now, I feel better about being able to write. This blog is my biography. It witnessed my growth, my ups and downs since 2008 until now. It has been with me for about 14 years. I felt freaky and embarrassed reading my earlier posts but that was who I was at that time. Barely a teenager who just started to learn what Internet is, a teenager who just started to dip her little toe in the world outside the comfort of boarding schools.

I was really really innocent back then. I would go as far as calling myself a nerd. I was sheltered. I have no idea what went on outside my own little bubble. I was in that bubble, I think until recently. I was always a follower. Whatever was given to me, I accepted it as my fate. I did not make a lot of active choices, I made do with what was in front of me. I cried when things got hard, psyching myself into thinking that I was weak. But when I looked back, I think I was stronger than most, I survived the conditioning many failed.

Only recently I started to make choices for my own happiness. For the lack of a better word, it felt liberating. When I started making my own choice, I felt like I did not want to stop. It feels really good to choose to be happy. It feels good to not just accept your situation. It feels good to work around a little bit. My life has been about my work for the past 5 years - of course intermingled with a little dramas here and there - but mostly I spent most of my time working. Now I am able to do things outside of my work. 

Maybe it's a little sad that my job isn't my passion, but just a mean to make ends meet. But I think I am able to find balance between my job and my life. It must have been great to love your job, and even though I like it okay, I feel content now. My job does not take most of my time and does not cause me stress like how it used to. 

I'm rambling right? Well, I guess I am just starting my life. There's a lot to reflect and catch up. Sorry to bore you, though I guess I'm not really sorry.