#259

It's already my sleeping time, but here I am in front of my laptop. Waiting for someone who asked me to wait for 10 minutes - 45 minutes ago. 

I have nothing to write about, I just felt this sudden figurative itchiness that couldn't seem to go away if I didn't start writing. I realized one thing about myself - well, actually this is a general knowledge that apply to everyone as well. People write what they read. I haven't been able to write that frequently or at all for the past few years; of course I attributed the main reason to being busy from working, but at the same time it's also because I haven't been able to read a lot. I spent most of the times seeking entertainment in the shape of movies or dramas. I don't really have nothing to write about - besides some short captions on FB or IG once in a while.

But now I have been reading - nothing mind blowing or life changing though. It somehow made me ease back into reading and writing in English. To actually have the itch to write is something I welcome happily, it's not everyday I have such itch. It hasn't been there for the past 5 years at least.

Now that I think I'm starting to write again (not promising how long this might last, it might just be a temporary manic phase or something like that), I'm going to write a lot of gibberish in here. Sometimes there might just be jumble of words with no points but I kind of not care, as long as I'm writing. I could be typing down the ABCs for all I care and I would be happy that I was able to just write. 

I have a lot of ideas of what I want to write about, I hope I would be able to find the time and the mood to actually do it. There are no words that can easily explain or express what I am feeling now, I just have sudden rush of energy to do things (again, might just be me in my manic phase) - and currently it is writing. I feel like my heart is swelling inside my ribcage and to keep it under control, I have to write and let at least a speck of my feelings out in the open. 

Characteristically, I have changed a lot. Those who knew me before Bintulu happened will not recognize me now. Not that I am in touch with most of them anyway. But recently, it annoyed me so much when a friend back then insinuated that I am still childish and cried easily. If anything I am more volatile nowadays, and I don't just accept things said about me that I find wrong or irritating. But of course, the friend wasn't at fault, I was childish and cried easily back then, now I couldn't remember the last time I got emotional and cried. I still get emotional, but I just don't cry anymore - unless when I'm watching sad movies or reading sad stories. 

Who said life took a better turn for me? Life was still hard, and I was hardened. Life is still shitty, I just don't give a shit about it as much as I did before. Life is still hard, but I learnt how to work around it and make it count somehow. 

It's really late for an old woman like me to still be awake at this hour. I'd wake up cranky tomorrow. I'll sleep now. 

Sleep well people. Whatever you are facing, do not lose sleep over it. Sleep is a mean of escape from your shitty reality - take this piece of advise from a notorious escapist a.k.a me. 

#258

Hello. Hi.

I hate to be someone who is overdiagnosing one's self. Some people tend to exaggerate symptoms to gain sympathy - it is not wrong in my opinion, sometimes it was done subconsciously rather than actively looking for reactions. Sometimes it is just our own way of defensive mechanism.

For the past 2 or 3 days, I couldn't really get myself over the thought that if not a lot, maybe I am a liiiiitle sick in the head. Of all the psychiatric disorders that I know, I think I relate the most to bipolar disorder. I am not straight out depressive. I don't feel sad or gloomy all the time - sometimes I do. But there are also moments when I was more expressive and excited than I usually am on normal mundane days.

A few nights ago, I was being giddy over a dream of travelling somewhere and Tinesh said, "Why are you being so excited in the middle of the night?" That's just who I am. I sometimes got stuck over a topic, got excited over it and couldn't stop talking about it regardless of the time of the day it happened. Of all people around me, Tinesh might see me most in my phases of being either depressive or manic. When I am in my pessimist mode, he will then be bombarded with insecure questions and many self depreciating moments by yours truly

I will not say I am like someone who has fullblown bipolar disorder, there are degrees in every disease - mild, moderate, severe. Mine would be mild I believe, if I have it at all. Maybe I am just reading too much into things, making something out of nothing, but I'd like to believe that nowadays I am able to see myself more objectively. There is nothing wrong about having some loose screws up in your head I guess, as long as it is not downright harmful? I am still a functional part of the society, and even if I am making things up that I don't have, believing that I do actually have it made me more conscious about the way I take care of my feelings and myself. Am I even making sense right now?

By the way, I tried taking one of the many quizzes floating all over Internet about this disorder and what it says about myself - the result being that I showed moderate indication of bipolar disorder. It's not diagnostic, just a screening test that might help people to look further inside themselves and search for help if needed.

Our society I believe isn't one that is yet fully accepting of mental health disorders. Sometimes we just like to label it as something else - Malas. Gila. Kuat perasan. Kuat gelabah. Attention seeker. Lemah etc. But I hope those people who do have those disorders heal. Not cured, but healed. Acceptance of one's illness is also a road towards healing. It should not be a taboo subject. It is just something that is not widely acknowledged in our society hence it was being underdiagnosed. 

Maybe next time, when I am in the mood, I would like to write about another so-called taboo subject - abuse. Not promising anything because I need to be in a certain mood to talk about it, because what I am talking about are mostly personal experiences. I am not trying actively to change people or make the world a better place by writing, I am simply sharing things in hope someone would care enough to read, even if no one does, I am simply writing to get it out of my system and make myself a little better.

Be safe people. COVID cases are increasing again. Take care of yourself. And I hope the day will come when we will be able to embrace our inner selves fully. 

#257

 Hello again.

A pat on the back for myself for writing again in the same year as the previous post. I guess I do not need people to read my blog for me to feel validated. Currently I am just happy that I could continue typing even if I am saying nonsense. Not 100%, but I guess I am proud of myself a little that I am able to do things that make me feel better about myself without depending on other people.

Right now, I feel better about being able to write. This blog is my biography. It witnessed my growth, my ups and downs since 2008 until now. It has been with me for about 14 years. I felt freaky and embarrassed reading my earlier posts but that was who I was at that time. Barely a teenager who just started to learn what Internet is, a teenager who just started to dip her little toe in the world outside the comfort of boarding schools.

I was really really innocent back then. I would go as far as calling myself a nerd. I was sheltered. I have no idea what went on outside my own little bubble. I was in that bubble, I think until recently. I was always a follower. Whatever was given to me, I accepted it as my fate. I did not make a lot of active choices, I made do with what was in front of me. I cried when things got hard, psyching myself into thinking that I was weak. But when I looked back, I think I was stronger than most, I survived the conditioning many failed.

Only recently I started to make choices for my own happiness. For the lack of a better word, it felt liberating. When I started making my own choice, I felt like I did not want to stop. It feels really good to choose to be happy. It feels good to not just accept your situation. It feels good to work around a little bit. My life has been about my work for the past 5 years - of course intermingled with a little dramas here and there - but mostly I spent most of my time working. Now I am able to do things outside of my work. 

Maybe it's a little sad that my job isn't my passion, but just a mean to make ends meet. But I think I am able to find balance between my job and my life. It must have been great to love your job, and even though I like it okay, I feel content now. My job does not take most of my time and does not cause me stress like how it used to. 

I'm rambling right? Well, I guess I am just starting my life. There's a lot to reflect and catch up. Sorry to bore you, though I guess I'm not really sorry.

#256

Hello - to whoever out there who would still be lurking around blogspots and somehow stumbled upon this very ancient and rusty page that hasn't been alive for the past 2 years and 8 months. 

A lot has changed since the last time I was here. 3 years has almost passed anyway. I was in my 20s when I last wrote and now I'm already over 30. Besides being obviously older, I have changed workplace - now back to my hometown in Perlis. I left Bintulu, Sarawak in August 2021 after working there for 3 years.

And whether I would like to admit it or not, I am now in a better place - at least for my mental health. 3 years in Bintulu gave me a thousand and one experiences - which I think is necessary for me to be who I am today, more like to appreciate who I am today. I was in a bad state back in Bintulu, the worst part is I didn't even realize that it was bad for me until I moved back to my hometown. I was depressed - not clinically diagnosed, I refused to put an official label to what I have been experiencing - and I had quite a hard time getting used to being happy. I thought I was happy in Bintulu, turned out I was actually able to be happier. I am not used to feeling happy - always in a bad mood and being angry - now I think I am at peace with who I am. For what it's worth, I am glad to be back to Perlis. For what it's worth, Bintulu was a dark place for me, but one which is necessary for me to grow up emotionally. 

Hm, what else changed? If you follow me on Instagram closely (which I doubt people would), you would notice a pattern. I have been uploading pictures of people lately. I didn't even realize it until I did moments ago. I know for sure that I am an introvert, but I never realized that I would be able to warm up to the idea of new friends so fast. I thought it would take me years to open up to another person (like how it happened in Bintulu, I only started to warm up to Vicky and Ezza after one year). I thought I would not be able to make new friends anymore - acquaintances maybe, but not friends - but I have been spending more time with new friends now; eating out together, exercising together and even going to vacations together. For someone like me, I think it is an achievement in itself?

I also started doing silly stuffs that are insignificant but made me happy nonetheless. On the first day of 2022, Ezza took me out to get ear piercing. Pretty normal stuff right? But one I never thought of doing, but who knew I would be so happy after getting my ears pierced? I started to do some physical activities, though not consistently, but I started, okay? Back in Bintulu, I was always looking forward to go home to eat and sleep. Nowadays I went out for jungle trekking, wanted to try hiking again but sadly I don't think I'm physically fit to do that now (I gained almost 15kg in the last year in Bintulu, can I blame it on depression instead of my own self-indulgence?) but maybe in the future I would be able to do so? I started buying things which I wouldn't buy when I was in my 20s. In my 20s, I only bought things that I think I needed. Nowadays, I started buying things that I wanted, paying no heed to the amount of money I spent on myself. Newly bought things made me happy and I believe my happiness is what matters.

Tinesh called me reckless, sometimes I believe I am. But Tinesh also said that I am healing, and I believe that I also am. I also believe that I am in a better place but there are still rooms for improvements. What matters most to me now is my happiness. I want to be happy and I want to be at peace - I think I am at the right track to attain it.

By the way, if you read the comments on my last post, the comment posted by anonymous said that : Don't ever stop writing. If not for your sake, then it's for my sake. I am so touched, whoever would actually say this to me? Though too bad I practically stopped writing for 3 years after that haha. I will not promise that I am going to start writing frequently after this, but I guess if I am writing this much at a whim, maybe I would be able to do it again? Writing and reading has always been my passion, but it was somehow lost along the way of growth and being an adult, I would really love to get it back. 

Till then, please take care. A lot has really changed since I last wrote here - namely there was no COVID-19 before. So do take care, and please be well and healthy and happy. 

#255

Hmm..

It gets harder to write, but I'll try to write anyway.

Thank you to the two people (whom I don't know who, but I think I might have a slight idea of who they are) who left a comment on my previous post. I am not writing for people to read, but knowing that someone did read my writings is a kind of happiness as well. 

But, I think, no one should be okay with other people using their pain to comfort others. I do believe everyone actually wants to be understood. Some people just do not know how to let others know. And I guess, that was how I started writing in the first place. I wanted to be understood.

Being loved is a good thing, but being understood is something that I think is way more precious. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are somehow complicated human beings. To have another soul who is able to understood you is a blessing that I think not many can recognize to not take it for granted. Am I saying something complicated again?

To the very few people who are reading this, how has life been treating you? Does life treat you well? Are you facing difficult situations which you have no idea on how you would tackle those? Or are you fighting against the situations that life put you in, something that you are still unable to come to terms with? 

Knowing that I am not alone in this fight against life is sort of a comfort. But then again, why am I fighting against life? Will there come a day that I will be able to accept everything willingly?

I have changed. I know that. People who used to know the old me know that. It is not something I am proud of. But pretending that I am still the old me is also a tiring thing to do. Somehow, I changed. From better to worse. And I think, first of all, I have to come to terms with it. I have to accept that I changed, and I only have myself that I can hold accountable of for my change. And it has nothing to do with all those judgemental eyes out there. Or maybe, people are busy with their life that they also have no time to judge you, everything is only in your mind, Shiela.