#252

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Tahu tak betapa tak bersyukurnya seorang manusia tu? They always want something they do not have. They are never satisfied with whatever they have in hands. Ungratefulness. Greed. Ambitions. Give whatever names to it, they are actually one thing. Kita sentiasa berkehendakkan sesuatu yang kita pernah/tak akan/belum ada. And I am right now wishing that I am back as a student in Poland. It was a great six years that I am not ready to move on yet, no matter how much I'd like to start working.

So in this post, I am posting six pictures that I wanted to share stories about, for each year I spent in Poland. They aren't the most precious pictures, because I just couldn't decide which are the most precious. But like any other pictures, each has their own stories and each is precious in their own way. :)

2010: Kak Wani and Yuyu

First year medical student. Kak Wani's 25th birthday celebration. My first family in Poland was undoubtedly Fatihah w Lodzi. Yuyu, Pidah, Fadh, Kak Wani and Kak Dina. In a place where everything was unfamiliar, they were the reasons I survived every single day. The picture was taken in my hostel room. I loved the apartment we rented, but there were days where I would be missing this room as well. I love high places and we were on the 9th floor, with a balcony. 

2011: Kak Nad, Kak Moon and Kak Nana

Second year medical student. My three seniors on their way to the train station to catch a train back to Warsaw. This alley held a very special place in my heart because this was where our apartment was situated. It was a nice day with a nice weather, so we came up with a crazy idea to walk to the train station instead of taking a tram. Well, it wasn't that crazy considering we were in Poland, because in Poland, everyone walks. I remembered Yuyu (or was it Fadh?) disagreeing when we wanted to walk home as well from the train station, but she finally complied. In a place where there were no one else, we did everything together, the four of us. 

2012: Pidah, Fadh and Yuyu

Third year medical student. It was a tough year, and finally it's summer break! We were catching a plane the next morning, so we went to Warsaw a day earlier. It was late night when we arrived in Warszawa Centralny. That building behind is Palac of Kultury (Palace of Culture), apparently a symbol of pride to Warsaw. Yuyu was going to Paris with her friends for a vacation instead of going home with us that year. Warszawa Centralny was practically the place I visited the most in Warsaw in the six years. I took pride in knowing exactly what time the train to Lodz departed and in what platform it would be and what was the ticket price for each type of train. 

2013: Shiela, Fadh, Qina, Nadiah and Malaysia

Fourth year of medical student. This picture was taken in Manufaktura, one of the must-visit place if you are ever in Lodz. It was dubbed as "the city within a city", because it does have everything in that one place. Qina, Nad and Emerald came to Lodz for Emerald's badminton tournament and we were able to take them around for a bit. There was some sort of exhibition going on in Manufaktura (which was common), and people were allowed to scribble on the floor with colourful paintings. We decided to draw our very own Malaysia flag, because we are proud of our country. Oh wait. Are we? 

2014: shiela

Fifth year of medical student. It was January, or the latest early February. It was snowing heavily and we were having Family Medicine. We had the seminar in the Anatomy building. This building was where we first had class in the first year. It was where we first learnt how to pray outside in the cold because we were afraid of the eyes watching. However, it was only in our first year. Later, whenever we had classes here and we needed to pray, we prayed in a corridor in the building where it was warm and cozy because if people were gonna watch, well let them watch. ^^ I opened the window exactly at the corridor where we used to pray and wrote my name there. Two days later, my name was still there. 

2014: Anthony, Wesam, Philipp, Yuyu, Fadh, Shiela, Pidah, Marta

Sixth year of medical student. It was the first week as a final student. We started with a Dermatology class. This picture was taken on that first day coming back after an eventful summer break with the realization that we were graduating soon. Six years passed by briefly. We were only 19 when we came here, and we went home being 25. An age where everyone else is already graduating, already working, already marrying, we are just about to try and dip our feet in the real world. We were told that we were the cream of the cream, but honestly, we were the pampered cream, having been brainwashed to focus on studying that it was quite a shock when we saw the reality of life out there. However, after six years in Lodz, if it ever did anything to us, it taught us about survival. It taught us that wherever we are, however deep in despair we are, there will always be a way out. 

And I think after six years, I did secure some friendships that will last a lifetime. And hey, isn't that precious enough? ^^

#204 - The Fourth Day

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani. 

Blogging puas2 sebelum balik Malaysia. Kat Malaysia nanti tahan la dua bulan tanpa internet, tanpa blogging. :) Sebenarnya hari ni tak ada niat pun mahu blogging pada asalnya, tapi pengalaman yg saya terima hari ni buat saya rasa saya mahu simpan di satu tempat yang saya boleh lihat semula pada masa2 akan datang. 

Hari ni saya belajar satu perkara. Usahalah dengan apa cara sekali pun untuk keluar dari comfort zone diri sendiri. Rasa macam sudah cukup dengan usrah seminggu sekali dan senarai2 mutabaah amal yang kita amalkan, tapi kita sekadar duduk dalam kelompok mereka yang berfikrah sama seperti kita. Bukan tak bagus, tapi kadang2 perlu juga kita keluar berhadapan dengan masyarakat.

Saya ke rumah Imam hari ni, dengan Thohirah dan kakak Mi Lena. Kak Mi Lena ni orang Polish yang ingin memeluk islam. Semoga Allah permudahkan jalan untuk dia. Ikatan antara muslim itu istimewa. Padahal baru pertama kali saya berjumpa Imam dan keluarga beliau, dengan kekangan bahasa yang pada kebanyakan masanya saya hanya mampu senyum dan ketawa, namun saya rasa dekat dengan keluarga beliau.

Ini hadiah istimewa dari beliau kepada saya dan Thohirah. 

Botol macho berisi air zam-zam. Abaikan si itik lampu kesayangan saya di sebelah. ^^

Gembira. Entah bila kali terakhir saya merasa air zam-zam, saya sendiri sudah tidak ingat. Hari ini, saya minum air itu sambil berselawat dan berdoa kepada Allah. Mohon keberkatan. Mohon dipermudahkan segala urusan. Mohon disucikan iman dari penyakit2 hati yang halus menusuk jiwa. Bukan senang untuk saya merasa air itu. Dan di bumi asing Poland ini, Allah memberi kesempatan.

"Apakah engkau mengira bahawa orang yang mendiami gua, dan (yang mempunyai) raqim itu, termasuk tanda-tanda (kebesaran) Kami yang menakjubkan?" - 18:9

Yang ajaib itu bukan air zam-zam. Yang ajaib itu adalah kebesaran dan kekuasaan Allah. Peace. v(^_^)v

#203 - the three days.

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.


Seharusnya masa ini saya peruntukkan untuk belajar. Final pathomorphology Jumaat ini. Kata seniors, pharmacology dan pathomorphology ini dua subjects killer. Sedangkan dalam kelas jugak masih ada seniors yang belajar bersama kerana repeat. Alhamdulillah. Dan astaghfirullah. Rahmat Allah bersama saya dan sahabat2. 


Keinginan untuk menulis ini datang setelah tiga hari ini, saya asyik didatangkan dengan perkara2 yang gembira. Alhamdulillah. Ini mungkin nikmat, namun nikmat itu juga adalah satu bentuk ujian, bukan?


23hb, saya ke Warsaw. Dating dengan Aida dari pagi hingga ke malam. Jazakillah khairan katheera, Aida kerana masih mahu meluangkan masa walaupun dia sudah mahu pulang ke Malaysia. Mesti sibuk shopping and packing segala bagai. Masih mahu meluangkan masa menemani saya berjalan2. Dan masih mahu melayan kerenah saya. Cekodok Aida mungkin cekodok paling sedap pernah saya rasa. Hehe.

Ini Aida kesayangan saya :)

Dan 23hb juga anak buah saya lahir melihat dunia. Nama, belum saya tahu. Lelaki. Lahir sebulan awal dari masa yang diramal, seperti saya juga 22 tahun dulu. Kakak terpaksa bersalin awal kerana a few complications namun alhamdulillah, kedua-duanya selamat. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. Cepat2 hendak balik Malaysia main dengan baby! :D


24hb, debaran yang saya rasa untuk sesuatu yang kelihatannya seolah-olah tiada kaitan dengan saya. Pilihanraya Mesir 2012. Saat jeritan gembira bersahutan dengan laungan allahuakbar kedengaran di Tahrir Square, saya yang beribu kilometer jauhnya dari tempat itu turut sama menitiskan air mata. Seorang saintis yang kurang pengalaman, yang pada asalnya cuma pilihan kedua, kini sudah rasmi menjadi Presiden Mesir. Ini sudah pasti kemenangan yang hanya mampu didatangkan oleh Allah. Dan ini baru permulaan dalam menaiki tangga maratib amal. Ya Allah, Kau memberikan aku peluang untuk menyaksikan keadaan ini dalam keadaan mataku sudah celik. Alhamdulillah.

25hb, pharmacology result is out. Trauma betul dengan exam ini. Sedihnya berhari2. Dan hari ini, Allah beri saya satu lagi sebab untuk tersenyum bahagia. Entah. Kalau dengan semua keadaan ini, saya masih menjadi seorang yang tidak tahu bersyukur, saya rasa saya tidak ada hak untuk hidup menghirup udara di bumi Allah. Cinta-Nya jelas di pandangan mata. Saya hanya perlu menghulurkan tangan dan menggapai cinta itu. 

Allah, for not abandoning me. Allah, for keep loving me. Allah, for testing me so that I will be better. Allah, for everything that You have done to this small slave of Yours. I shall show You what I am worth of. I shall be one who is worth of receiving your hidayah. Allah, guide me through the life. Guide me straight to You. Amin.

#195-300412

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.


Sekarang pukul 1:53am, 1 May 2012.. Lagi less than one hour nak masuk subuh. Tadi mengantuk gila, tapi bila dah after pukul 12 tak tido, mata rasa segar. Baik tunggu subuh, lepas tu boleh tido. ^^


Exactly two months from now, insyaAllah i'll fly home. Back to Malaysia! Tadi abang tweet pasal Mak Teh buat sup tulang. Anak penakan Mak Teh yg sorang ni jangankan tulang, isi ayam pun dah lama tak terjamah. 


Rindu makanan kat Malaysia. Tu paling utama. Cendol pulut yg tak berapa nak minat tu pun dah teringin rasa, petanda memang dah gila nak makan makanan yg cuma ekslusif ada kat Malaysia. Dua, rindu keluarga. Keluarga. Pak. Tok. Adik-beradik. Rindu nak bercurahat lagi dengan kakak. Gap umur 12 tahun doesnt mean anything bila anda menjejak usia 20-an menjadi anak dara. Heheh. Dan rindu juga anak saudara yang bakal lahir selang beberapa hari sampai ke bumi Malaya. InsyaAllah, mohon doa semua yang membaca semoga Allah permudahkan segalanya. Oh. Tak lupa. Dah tentu rindu keluarga yg tak terikat dengan hubungan darah. Keluarga nombor dua. Wani. Zatil. As. Kirah. Nad. Keluarga Revo la senang cerita. 


Hari ini hari bahagia buat seorang Narshiela. Akhirnya berjaya memegang sekeping buku bergelar passport selepas 6 bulan jadi ala2 pendatang haram tanpa izin dekat bumi Poland. Heheh. Pengalaman. Kena warning awal2 dah dengan En Azman, "Bagi hilang lagi passport, next time ada penalti." InsyaAllah En Azman, saya jaga passport macam jaga nyawa sendiri lepas ni. Dapat je passport mata dah bersinar dengan segala plan ke bumi mana hendak diterjah nanti. 6 bulan terperangkap dalam Poland buat hati rindu pada suasana stranded dan terpaksa bermalam di airport. 


Oh, bahagia juga dengan kedatangan seorang sahabat ke kampung Lodz. Berjaya memaksa diri main go kart for the first time. Buat diri sendiri nak ada lesen kereta dan kereta secepat mungkin! :D Jelajah Port Lodz dan Manufaktura sampai ke tengah malam. Gembira. Minum coffee heaven buat kali ke-4 dalam empat hari berturut-turut. Memang kaya coffee heaven dapat customer ketagih macam saya. Banyak gambar, tapi mungkin entry yang seterusnya. Hmm, insyaAllah esok nak cari tasik yang boleh berkayak. Teringin nak river rafting lagi, tapi dekat Lodz tak ada. Kayak pun jadi la sebagai pengganti.


Jealous dengan Nina yang akan ke Zakopane esok insyaAllah. Haha. Nina, kau takkan baca kot post ni tapi, kau tahu kalau bab2 adventure kau nak berhiking bagai ni, aku la orang paling terkilan kalau kau hike tanpa aku. Hmm, mungkin satu hari nanti. Bila Allah melapangkan rezeki. 


Dah pukul 2:17am. Lagi 22 minit nak azan. 

#187-Five Things I Missed About India

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

My second post for 2012, is going to be a personal one. ^__^ I just kind of thought about this during pharmacology lecture today. Hee.

The fifth:

(gambar hiasan)

Vanilla ice cream! From Poland straight to India, boleh kata macam kena heatstroke la jugak kot. :) From 15 something degree, to 40 something degree. And maybe due to that, I started eating ice creams almost everyday. Nak beli chocolate ice cream mahal, so I settled for the cheapest one, vanilla flavoured. First time makan dekat hotel kat New Delhi in the room with Pidah, Fadh and Nina spending time together watching Snakes On A Plane. ^^

The fourth:

There is a Korean restaurant, located strategically in a place surrounded by apartments rented by Malaysian students kat Bangalore. For marketing purposes, aside from Korean dishes, they sell Malaysian dishes as well. I missed the nasi ayam there. And the Korean noodle. One sweet memory about this Korean noodle is that, it's my first Korean meal made by a Korean and shared with a bestfriend in the same bowl. ^__^

(gambar hiasan)

The third:

We went to a village in Tamil Nadu. It was a small, peaceful village with not that much development. Outside the cottage we lived, we could see wild deers in the deep forest. Despite the mosquitoes, jalan yg lecak sangat2, I somehow fell in love with the place. Of all places I've been during the one month in India, this might be one of the best places. Fresh air, sawah padi kiri kanan...maybe there is a tiny little me inside that wanna leave behind all the hustle bustle of the city and move into a forest and befriend the animals?


The second:

An experience of a lifetime. River rafting kat Manali! Terbaik! No words can actually describe the experience. Everything was engraved in the memory. I am not that sporty, nor do I have strong stamina, but to be able to feel your feet went numb in the cold river water while your hands had to grab tightly on that one rope that seems like the only link between your life and death...it was a precious experience that I wish can be repeated over and over again! :D


The first:

Keluar tajuk. This isn't a thing. It's a she. Nurul Azhani M. Ahkar Nawawi. If there's a reason I would want to go to India again, she will be the reason. I just missed her. I texted her almost everyday since the last two weeks, but the more I talked to her, the more I missed her. The distance somehow is killing me. I would wish to go back to that one year we used to live in the same room. I would wish to go back to that one year we used to eat on the same table. I would wish to go back to that one year we used to laugh at the same jokes, cried for the same reasons, gossiped on the same person, sharing stories like normal 19-year-old girls. This post was written, just because I missed you.

Since I am so far away from you, I hope Allah blesses you, protects you, gives you good health and a meaningful life. Allah will take care of you. Allah will be by your side, giving His love and care, supporting you on your fights to be a better person for our deen. Ameen.

And I am here, will always pray for the best for an Azhani in Bangalore, India. :)

#185-What's your bucket list?

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Kalau kat Malaysia sekarang pukul 6.30am. Happy Birthday Mak. :) Birthday Mak yg kesepuluh lepas Mak meninggal, maknanya dah sepuluh tahun tepat Mak tak ada. Cepatnya dah sedekad dah rupanya. Hehe. InsyaAllah, adik cuma boleh kirimkan doa untuk Mak dari sini, semoga Mak berada dalam rahmat dan redha Allah.


Dulu masa Form 3, aku ada buat list impian yg aku nak capai sepanjang aku hidup. Entah apsal tiba2 hari ni teringat nak bukak balik benda tu. Ada yg alhamdulillah dah tercapai, ada yg belum dan insyaAllah akan dicapai, ada jugak yg mengarut entah apa2 je aku dulu ni. Dan masa tu aku suruh kawan2 aku list jugak impian dorang. Dalam banyak2 yg dorang list tu, salah satu impian Nora yang paling aku ingat. Nora nak islamkan sekurang-kurangnya seorang manusia. Entah macam mana la Nora sekarang ni, harapnya ko berada di jalan yg bakal memudahkan ko untuk mencapai impian tu. :)

Hm, tak salah kan untuk berimpian? ^^ Tadi baca artikel dari Langit Ilahi. Quoting Hilal Asyraf, he said; "Dari saya terus 'menghumban'kan orang ke dalam neraka, menyatakan mereka tiada harapan, saya lebih suka mengajak manusia pergi ke syurga Allah, dan memberikan mereka impian."

Yup, sedangkan orang yg berdosa pun masih Allah bagi ruang untuk bertaubat. Allah bukakan pintu taubat, agar mereka (dan saya dan anda) berimpian untuk diampunkan Allah, agar kita bergerak menunaikan ibadah untuk mencapai impian kita.

Uhm, sebagai seorang Muslim, kita semua ada ghayah yg sama kan? Matlamat/Destinasi akhir, yakni Allah. Matlamat kita keredhaan Allah, destinasi kita syurga. InsyaAllah. Tapi hadaf jugak penting. Matlamat jangka pendek. Matlamat dalam hidup yg kita cuba capai, yg kita harap ada nilainya dekat akhirat nanti. Matlamat dalam hidup yg semakin mendekatkan kita untuk mencapai ghayah kita insyaAllah.

Jadi, sebelum kita nak berimpian dan bermatlamat, clearkan hati dan perasaan..fikir betul2 apa hadaf kita. Bermanfaatkah impian kita untuk kegunaan dekat akhirat nanti? InsyaAllah, bukan setakat sembahyang puasa je dapat pahala. Menangis pun boleh dapat pahala. Tidur pun boleh dapat redha Allah, kalau kena cara dan hadafnya. ^^


Salji masih malu2 kucing nak turun tahun ni. Seronok la Mashi dengan Nada tour UK, snow tak lebat. Hehe. Semoga Allah permudahkan perjalanan korang, dan semua yg bermusafir mencari redha Allah winter break ni. Aku dengan Fadh je setia jadi penunggu Fatihah w Lodzi. Habis cuti 2 minggu, gemuk aku. Hari ni Fadh buat tiramisu and roti canai. Nanti katanya nak buat laksa pulak. Aku? Aku tolong makan je. ^__^

#179

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.
Dulu tengok dalam tv je orang taip depan komputer tak tengok keyboard. Sekarang aku pun dah boleh buat macam tu. Nampak sangat dalam masa 2 tahun lebih duduk Poland ni sebahagian besar masa aku habis depan laptop. T.T

Oh. Kali ni aku saja2 je rasa nak merapu. Sebab aku terbaca status Hilal Asyraf yang ini ---> [KLIK LA NI KALAU NAK TAHU STATUS APA]. Status ni mengingatkan aku pada seorang rakan yg aku kenal rapat masa darjah 5. Semua orang suka kawan dengan si dia ni sebab dia kelakar. Bercakap je dengan dia mesti akan ada rasa nak gelak. Masa darjah 5 tu, dia terpaksa pindah sekolah. Sebelum dia pindah, dia hadiahkan aku sekeping duit kertas seringgit. Seringgit je, baru darjah lima kan, mana ada duit banyak2 nak bagi orang. :D

Gambar 1: Begedil Cinta hasil tangan Nurul Thohirah housemate tersayang.

Katanya, "Ni hadiah birthday hg. Hg boleh guna duit ni lepas 25/8 ja." Excited la aku dapat hadiah birthday kan. Hehe. Tapi sayangnya aku terhadap dia buat aku tak sampai hati nak guna duit tu. Dan sekarang, selepas 11 tahun berlalu, aku masih simpan elok lagi duit tu. Aku simpan dalam satu kotak kecil yg ada khazanah2 berharga yg lain. :)

Dalam kotak tu ada duit seringgit dia bagi, bracelet Mizah buatkan untuk aku, keychain Nadmin pen-pal aku bagi, bookmark Cikgu Zubaidah (cikgu aku masa darjah 5) bagi, keychain SHIELA Naimah buatkan untuk aku, origami bintang Aina bagi aku, dan yg paling paling paling berharga, tulisan tangan arwah emak aku. :)

Gambar 2: Fatihah w Lodzi. Cinta, cinta, cinta kamu ^^

Ha, alang alang sebut pasal emak ni kan..kepada yang membaca, berenti baca sat barang seminit dua, mintak tolong sedekahkan al-Fatihah untuk mak aku. Ulang tahun kematian emak aku yg kesepuluh hari Isnin lepas, tapi apa jenis anak la aku ni gelisah bagai dengan test pathomorphology baru hari ni aku teringat. Hehe.

Oh anyway, aku tadabur surah al-Mukmin hari ni. Pi amik tafsir masing2 cepat, nak share ayat best ni. Hehe. Ce usha ayat 7 sampai ayat 9. Nak tulis kat sini panjang pulak, so aku assume hampa semua dah baca la kan apa tafsir 3 ayat tu. Aku suka sungguh bila baca tu. First of all, berdoa dan berharaplah agar kita ni tergolong dalam golongan beriman. Kedua, bukan calang2 orang tolong doakan kita (orang beriman) wei, MALAIKAT KOT MENDOAKAN KITA!! Malaikat. Yang beribadah siang malam dekat Allah, yang tak ada dosa. Yang tu yang tolong doakan kita (orang beriman). Seronoknya la ya Allah kalau kita ni jadi golongan yang didoakan malaikat kan. Ketiga, ayat 8. Fitrah manusia yang ada rasa sayang terhadap keluarga. Jadi malaikat doakan sekali untuk keturunan kita. Mesti best kan bila masuk syurga sekali dgn mak ayah tok nenek abang kakak adik semua. :)

Gambar 3: Indahnya ukhwah berteraskan iman. Biar berbeza usia, tahun pengajian, tempat tinggal..aku tetap cinta kau kerana kita sama2 mencintai Allah. :)

Ai, seronok pulak blogging bila dah berhari jugak la aku tak menulis. Hehe. Rasa macam nak buat cerpen lagi, macam zaman dulu2 tu..tapi tunggu la tengok kesihatan mood aku camna. :)

Sehari satu sunnah:

"Dua rakaat sembahyang dengan bersugi itu terlebih baik pahalanya daripada 70 rakaat sembahyang dengan tidak bersugi." -HR Muslim.

Gosok gigi dulu seboleh-bolehnya sebelum solat. :)

Gambar 4: Aku tahu perjalanan hidup masih jauh. Masih kabur. Mungkin berliku, mungkin juga penuh duri. Namun aku ada kamu memimpin tangan dan memaut bahu. Sayang sahabat ini sampai mati. Eh, sampai selepas mati insyaAllah.

August 25th 2011

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Hari ni 25 Ogos 2011. Hujan dari tengah malam semalam baru berhenti dalam pukul 9 pagi. Hari pertama aku sebagai manusia berusia 21 tahun di atas muka bumi. Bersyukur sebab yang menemani aku sejak semalam adalah rahmat Allah, hujan.

Hari ni jugak 25 Ramadhan 1432. Dah tak berapa hari je lagi nak raya. Walaupun hari raya tu dikatakan hari kemenangan buat umat Islam, tapi sewajarnya kita rasa sedih untuk meninggalkan Ramadhan kan? Apa sangat amal kita bulan ni? Cukup kuat ke kita menahan nafsu, ke kalah jugak dengan nafsu saat berbuka puasa?

A few friends texted me last night, mengucapkan sanah helwah, happy birthday dan selamat hari lahir. Mendoakan semoga aku dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki. Facebook aku pula sepi buat masa ni, tak dibanjiri dengan ucapan2 hari lahir seperti tahun lepas. Sesungguhnya aku tak harap untuk didoakan agar usia dipanjangkan dan rezeki dimurahkan hanya pada hari ini. Namun doakanlah aku pada setiap kali kalian mengangkat tangan memohon kepada Allah.

Oh, and this.

Done by a close friend of mine, Shiela May Baylon from Philippines. I knew her due to my crazy addiction to Korean singers. Thank you sweetheart. ^^ I almost cried when I first received this. She, whom I called a Cinderella because she usually goes to bed at 12, stayed up late just to do this. I was touched, Twinnie. I love you.

Hari lahir tahun Masihi dah akan berlalu. Sekarang nak tunggu hari lahir tahun Hijrah pulak. 3 Safar 1433. Hehe. Kalau ikut tahun Hijrah, aku lahir pada tahun yg sama dengan Fadh, dan sebab tu Fadh tak nak terima kenyataan untuk ikut tahun Hijrah. Nanti kalau dah UA (insyaAllah pasti akan tiba satu hari nanti), takkan nak ikut tahun Masihi lagi kan Fadh? Hehe.

Hm, dah bertahun-tahun jugak aku raya tanpa baju baru. Dulu, lepas Mak meninggal, tiap2 tahun aku ada baju raya baru. Sebab tiap2 tahun mesti ada orang belikan kain untuk buat baju kurung. Tapi dah besar ni macam tak kisah ada ke tak baju raya baru. Baju kurung yang dalam almari tu pun tak terpakai, walhal semuanya masih padan elok lagi. Tak apa. Aku raya bukan sebab nak pakai baju baru. Dan bukan hari raya yang aku paling nanti-nantikan. Aku lebih menantikan hari aku bakal berangkat balik ke Poland.

“Dan katakanlah, ya Tuhanku, masukkan aku ke tempat masuk yang benar dan keluarkan aku ke tempat keluar yang benar dan berikanlah kepadaku dari sisi-Mu kekuasaan yang dapat menolong.”- 17:80

“Say: "O my Lord! Let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honour, and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honour; and grant me from Thy Presence an authority to aid (me)."”

Random

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful

3rd May 2011.

I was organizing my desktop just now, and deleting some unimportant stuffs in the laptop when I found this. I have no idea on when did I write this, but I feel like sharing it here. My own life story, so that whenever I read this again, it will remind me on how much my father means to me. Don't read if you don't feel like reading, after all..it's all about me and myself.

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I cried when I first admitted that I grew up in a broken family. So, if anyone ever happens to read this, this is a part of my life story.

What best, is what Allah has chosen for us. Allah let me be the way I am right now, because that’s the best for me. Sometimes, I was too blind to see the reasons and wisdoms of everything that has happened around me. I was too absorbed with the worldly materials that I forgot all of those will not help me in facing the life hereafter.

Allah even reminds us in Al-Quran, that family and wealth can also be the enemies to us, because there were times when we love those things more than we love Allah and Islam. Nauzubillah. Sometimes, we don’t even realise that. We overlooked those tiny things. But Allah takes account of everything. Allah explains everything in Al-Zalzalah, clearly. Allah knows best what we know not. Allah knows us better than ourselves, for Allah is our creator, and Allah is even nearer to us than our own jugular vein!

As for me, I have no right to ponder upon my own life. I have not the slightest right to question everything that has been happening to me. I am not even in the right position to compare myself with everyone else around me. For I am who I am, I am whom Allah has made me into. My life is my journey. Allah has His reasons for making things this way, not that way. It’s just that we sometimes are too lazy to look deeper.

I’ve read somewhere, that there is no coincidence in life, because everything happens for a reason. Coincidences are just reasons made by human beings to reject the fact that things happen because of fate, because Allah made it that way. And there are no coincidences that I happened to be the way I am right now. It is absolutely because Allah wants me to be this way.

I cried today. I haven’t called home for nearly a month. I called last Sunday, and I heard my father’s voice. It was just; I didn’t have the guts to talk to him. I listened to him saying hello over and over. Listening to the creaky voice of his, I was touched. Even though he didn’t hear anything from the other side of the phone, he refused to just ignore the call. He was afraid that I might be on the other side struggling to make the line clearer. He waited patiently, hoping to hear my voice.

My father is not a man of words. Well, whose father is anyway? Fathers always show their love through their action. Not even once I’ve heard him saying that he loves and misses me. Never. But, I can feel his love through his action. You tell me, which children will not feel touched and sad when your own father has to go borrowing some money because you wanted to buy a laptop?

My father is a man of pride. He studied only until standard two. But he taught his children never to rely upon others. He taught us to be independent. He taught us never to expect anything in return when you offer a help. A good father was thought to always be there for their children. Despite the fact, I’ll be more than happy to say that my father was never there for me.

When my mother passed away, it was my aunties and cousins that consoled me, not my father. When I had to choose between two vital choices of life, my father didn’t even offer an opinion, I was left alone to make the choices myself. When I got the first place in the mid-term exam, everyone’s parents came to see their children receiving presents from the Sultan of Kedah, but not my father. When I succeed with 10 A’s in SPM, I celebrated it with my friends, because my father went working. When I needed to finish all the preparations for furthering studies overseas, I did it myself, not even once my father was there with me to help scanning through all the forms.

He was never there for me. He’s not that typical type of father, which actually made me into an untypical type of daughter. To be honest, sometimes I did question his way of growing us up. Nevertheless, if he was just like everyone else’s father, I will grow up being just like everyone else.

Because of him, I became sensitive. Because of him, I became emotional. Because of him, I only knew to express my anger and sorrow through tears. Because of him, I looked at the world in a negative point of view. Because of him, I learnt not to expect more from other people. Because of him, I am this current Narshiela Saad.

My father might not be there for me physically, but in his prayers I know I am absolutely included. I became sensitive, emotional and I cried even in the stupid and silly situations. Because of that, I used not to rely on others. I solved my own problems. I understand one’s hardship more than most people. I developed empathy in myself. I learnt to help people with everything I might. I became sensitive regarding family issues, which made me develop a level of self-respect towards people’s mothers and fathers. I am not used to sharing problems with friends or people around me. I learnt to be dependent only to Allah, the One and Only who can help me through all the hardships and challenges.

I even looked at the world in a negative point of view. I became cautious and even prejudice sometimes. I am not used to believing people easily. Because of that, I learnt to work hard for my own personal gain. I believe in the concept of reap and sow. I believe in the concept of good and bad. I believe in the concept of heaven and hell. I learnt to prioritize my needs over my own interests.

To quote one of Hlovate’s character’s saying in one of her novel, “I am not those kind of typical girls, who love make-ups, self-beauty, flowers, pinks and shopping.”

I am one weak and ordinary girl on the outside. Inside, I am more that what meets the eye. My father was never there for me, because he puts the whole trust in his daughter. He knew I will survive wherever I was thrown to. He trusted me, and I honoured that. He let me choose my own path of life. He taught me to use my own strength to stand up whenever I fell down. He taught me to blame no one but myself for my own misdeed. He taught me to appreciate every opportunities that came around. He was, is and forever will be the greatest father for he taught me things that only by exploring and enjoying life, I could treasure them.

He taught me to appreciate. He taught me to rely upon no one but Allah. He taught me the most precious lesson. He taught me to believe that Allah makes things happen for a reason. He taught me not to regret, not to look back, not to question and accept everything the way there are. He is my father, one and only. Thank you Allah, for letting me be his daughter.

Bapak Saya Nama......

Saya rindu bapak saya dekat Perlis.

Semua anak rasanya akan cakap bapak dorang la yang paling best. Aku pun!! Bapak aku la yg paling best dalam dunia, walau beliau keja motong getah ja. Walau beliau dah umur 65 tahun ni. Walau kawan2 aku yg beliau kenai Mizah dgn Wani ja. Walau beliau tak reti apa2 pasai teknologi ni. Jangankan nak tau pasal Facebook segala, nak guna henpon pun beliau tak reti. Nak suruh topup pun beliau tak reti macam mana nak sebut perkataan topup tu.

Agaknya bapak aku la yang paling kuno antara bapak2 rakan2 sebaya aku. Tapi bagi aku, bapak aku tetap paling masyuk! Boleh layan je aku dok cerita angan2 nak kahwin. Boleh lepen je aku dok cerita nak keluar dating dgn boyfriend. Boleh santai je aku cerita nak pi meronggeng travel mana hala sorang2. Boleh lepak je buat lawak bodo dengan aku sampai aku rasa aku tengah cakap dengan budak belum mumaiz. Ouh bapak~

Pak, Adik rindu ni ha. Biasa la, hari ni ada test Physiology. Kalau bagitau Pak pun bukan Pak tau natang apa Physiology tu. So Adik bagitau ja Adik ada periksa hari ni. Pak tolong doa ye. Al maklum la, walau dah berjuta-juta kali Pak pesan suruh Adik baca buku, masa Adik still banyak habis main komputer depan mata ni ha. Adik rindu gila kat Pak. Adik berani cakap kat blog ja, nak cakap depan2 tak berani, nanti Pak kata Adik buang tebiat, tak pun Pak kata Adik mesti ada buat salah apa2 sampai tiba2 cakap benda luaq alam ni.

Pak, Pak la bapak terbaik yang Allah bagi untuk Adik. Okay, mode jiwang sudah perlu ditamatkan. Rindu tak rindu Physio tetap pukul 8 satg.

Hari itu hari Isnin. Isnin yang tenang dan damai. Tapi hatinya tak setenang hari yang baru sahaja bermula itu. Dia gelisah. Dia sedih. Sekejap2 dia berlari masuk ke bilik. Sekejap2 dia duduk pula di ruang tamu. Beg bagasi 24" ternganga luas di depan mata. Selesai solat subuh, ayahnya merapati.

"Abg Zami nak datang pukul 8. Cepat2 la simpan barang tu."

Peringatan ayahnya mengusutkan lagi kepala yg sedia kusut. Apa sahaja yg dilakukannya hari ini dikerjakan hanya sekadar separuh hati. Dia berat hati sebenarnya, mahu meninggalkan keluarga, mahu meninggalkan rumah yang selama ini menjadi saksi pada 20 tahun hidupnya. Rumah yg merupakan satu-satunya tempat yg masih kekal kukuh akan memori arwah ibunya. Dia meluaskan pandangan ke segenap isi rumah. Sayu.

Bandar Kangar sesak. Hari raya ketiga. Mereka yg pulang beraya sudah mula kembali ke bandar semula. Stesen bas Kangar juga penuh dengan bermacam-macam jenis manusia. Lumrah. Yang menghantar selalunya 3x ganda jumlah yang dihantar. Dia hanya bersama ayahnya. Bas Transnasional WNX 2606 dipandang sepi. Terasa berat kaki ingin melangkah masuk ke perut bas yg bakal menghala ke Shah Alam itu.

"Pak jaga diri elok2 tau."

Ayahnya hanya tersenyum kecil sambil mengangguk. Ditahan dengan segala kudrat agar mutiara jernih dari kedua belah mata tidak tumpah di hadapan ayahnya itu.

9:56 pagi. Dia bergerak ke seat 6A. Ayahnya melambai dari luar bas. Dan saat itu, air mata yg sedaya upaya ditahan tumpah jua sedikit. Ayahnya ketawa kecil dari luar, masih kekal melambai dalam kalangan manusia lain yg turut sama menghantar ahli keluarga masing2. Kangar masih sesak.

Saat bas Transnasional itu belok memasuki jalan raya yg penuh dengan pelbagai jenis kenderaan yg bersesak-sesak, dia terpandang akan kereta MyVi hitam di barisan paling hadapan. Si pemandu kelihatan melambai ke arahnya. Ah, dia! Dia yg terperangkap dalam kesesakan lalu lintas bandar Kangar yg luar biasa hari itu ketika dalam perjalanan ke stesen bas untuk menemuinya.

Dia membalas lambaian si pemandu. Tanpa sedar, dia sudah teresak-esak menangis. Mp3 di telinga cepat2 dipasang ke volume paling kuat agar tangisannya tidak sampai ke telinga sendiri. Terkilan. Si pemandu hanya mampu dilihat dari jauh. Terkilan. Wajahnya yg basah dengan air mata adalah wajah terakhir yg dilihat oleh si pemandu. Tangisannya masih lebat saat kereta MyVi semakin mengecil dari pandangan.

Perlahan-lahan zip backpacknya ditarik, dikeluarkan buku tebal hijau sebesar tapak tangan itu. Tidak dipedulikan langsung akan tanggapan perempuan yang berkongsi seat kembar di sebelahnya. Apa yang difikirkannya saat itu hanya untuk menenangkan hati yang semakin sayu.

Dan saat itulah matanya tertancap pada ayat pertama pada muka surat yg mula2 dibukanya secara rawak itu.

"Kami berfirman,"Turunlah kamu semua dari syurga! Kemudian jika benar2 datang petunjuk-Ku kepadamu, maka barang siapa mengikuti petunjuk-Ku, tidak ada rasa takut pada mereka dan mereka tidak bersedih hati."" -2:38

Dan tangisan yg semakin reda bermula semula. Tangisan yg bukan lagi kerana sayu terpaksa berjauh dengan keluarga. Tangisan yang bukan lagi kerana terpaksa meninggalkan bumi Malaysia. Tangisan yang bukan lagi kerana terkilan dihantar sahabat hanya dengan pandangan mata. Tapi tangisan kali ini...terzahir dengan 1001 makna yang berbeza.

Harith Haikal

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful..
Saturday, 24th July 2010/12 Shaaban 1431, 1003 local time...

It's weird when you suddenly missed something you've never thought of missing. Nine months in Poland, I kept comparing it to Malaysia. How good Malaysia is, how efficient the transports are, how delicious the food, so on and so forth.

And now out of the blue I missed Poland. I missed how i greet people 'Dzien dobry' on the street. I missed how my friends and I had to bersilat to make the people understand what we were talking about. I missed how we would talk freely on the tram while ignoring all the staring we got. I missed how I used to go out when I'm depressed and coming home feeling alive again. I missed how much I loved cooking, but could never really improve my cooking skill.

I missed having usrah with Kak Dina and Kak Wani every weekend, where I got to tease Kak Wani and manja2 with Kak Dina. I missed to hear Fadhlina membebel and menjerit every morning just to wake us up. I missed the way Afidah hold my hands so tightly while teaching a stupid student like me how to ice skate. I missed to listen to Thohirah's screaming at one minute, and suddenly hearing her laughing at the other minute.

I missed walking alone at the park near the zoo. I missed going to Galleria just to buy Tiramisu because I was so overly addicted with it. I missed having to smile and wave hands at the 58 bus driver. I missed to board the new tram and sit at the back seat. How weird that I even missed the Anatomicum building; the lecture hall where I used to play games on the phone during Prof Topol's lecture, the laboratory and the lab assistant who was like having a crush on Thohirah, the 2nd floor where we changed the hallway to a temporary surau.

I missed the classmates too even though I barely talked to them. Marcel, who was like a brother. Michael and Andrea. Patricia. Saul, whom we used to giggle over, gossiping him with Afidah. Jorge. Phillip. Sara. Pepe, the one that I've never really talked to, but the one that YM-ing me whenever there're tests and exams asking if I already got the questions for previous years. Maria, the sweetest girl with her beautiful smile. Anthony, and his dances. Wesam, and his stupid jokes.

Okay, I'll stop here I guess. I'm listening to a Korean song, Forever by SS501 and it kept me reminiscing! Okay2, babai!!!

watashino kazoku