#251

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'm listening to this song.

The music video speaks a lot about the song. I really like how simple the MV is, but it brings a very meaningful message to everyone, especially the girls out there. We are pressured by the expectations the society bears on us. Working at this age, marriage at that age etc. It is not easy to escape the norms, and people often fall into despair and depression trying to hold themselves together while performing for the world to see.

I am, as a matter of fact, in that kind of battle as of the moment. It stresses the hell out of me; the expectation the society has on me and the expectation I have on myself. 

Until a friend somehow, indirectly, reminded me of the reason why am I trying so hard right now. I am not doing this to please the society. I am not doing this because everyone else is doing the same. I am not doing this because people say it is the right thing to do. 

Often we are stressed, because we do not know the real reason behind every of our actions. I am doing this for myself. I am doing this because I want to repay my father and my family for being there for me in their own ways. And most importantly, I should be doing this for the sake of Allah. I should be doing this to please Him. 

I don't have to try so hard for others. I am trying for the pleasure within.

Stress, sometimes is needed to give us that push we need to move forward. But, Shiela, let's not let stress get the better part of you, okay? Three days to go! Only three days. You want this, Shiela. The adrenaline. The adventure. The life-altering moments. You want to savor this feelings instead of indulging yourself into the bottomless despair. 

And I am okay. I will be okay, come what may. Because it only will make me stronger and better. 

Allah, guide me.

#250 - Talking ABout Myself

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I rarely talk to people about myself, because I'm afraid I might sound narcissistic doing so. But today, I feel like doing exactly that, and my blog will not judge me for talking about myself, right? Hence I think this will be an appropriate place to boast about myself. Hah ha.

So, here it goes:

1. I am a proud Muslim and a trying-to-be proud Malaysian.

2. As of October 2015, I am a 25-year-old female and I am unemployed for almost four months already.

3. I am the last child in the family, something close friends can tell with their eyes closed but something strangers and new acquaintances find surprising.

4. My face is an open book. People can see my mood of the day just by looking at my facial muscles.

5. I am a hardcore pluviophilic. Dancing in the rain is something I do occasionally.

6. My favorite author of all times is Sidney Sheldon. I came to like his novels when I was 14 after reading The Best Laid Plan, a novel my brother bought. And it's a given that my favorite novel is If Tomorrow Comes written by him.

7. I used to love reading and writing. As of now, I wish I could love writing and reading the way I used to, because somehow along my college life, I kind of lost the interest to write and read as much as I did before.

8. Some of my favorite movies are War Horse, The Italian Job, V for Vendetta and The Recruit. Though I'd usually be biased to like anything with Mark Wahlberg and Jeremy Renner in it.

9. I made a pact to myself to not watch movies/dramas adapted from novels that I liked. Examples are the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series. One exception is the adaption of Ketika Cinta Bertasbih by Habiburrahman el-Shirazy.

10. I rarely talk about myself, but it has been a habit since forever to talk to myself everyday. Literally. As if there are two mes and I am giving the other me pep talks.

11. I like sleeping to the point that my friend has to give an anonymous advice for me to cut some sleep.

12. I do not know how to get angry, especially in front of the person I am angry at. My anger is usually expressed as tears while talking and venting to myself.

13. I am involved in usrah, a gathering of a few people where we recite the Quran, being reminded of Allah and talk about current issues among other things. I am loving every second of it and I plan to keep going to usrah as long as I am able to.

14. One of my favorite verses from the holy Quran is 22:78.

15. I love public transports. I'd take efficient public transports any day over any other means of transports. The keyword being efficient.

16. I love hiking even though I am not that physically fit to be hiking. But it is a hobby I am not ready to give up, so I'd keep hiking until I've had enough.

17. I love traveling though I always get stressed planning for it. I have always wanted to go backpacking taking trains across countries, but I need to find a travel buddy first for it. And money. Of course.

18. I used to live in Poland for six years while studying for my medical degree. I love everything about Poland; the people, the transports, the weather, the places. I think Poland might not be the most interesting place to go on holidays, because you need to live in it to fall for it the way I am. Falling. Hard. Not gonna move on anytime soon.

19. I am having a love-hate relationship with caffeine. So far I managed to stop taking in caffeine because we don't have coffee at home. When I feel like rewarding myself with some coffee, I'd go to my grandmother's house, who is also a coffee addict herself. Now I know where I get the gene from.

20. I have a dream I know I will never fulfill because of a story about the stingy Uncle Scrooge I read once during my childhood. 

Okay, I think twenty is enough for now. I might write again about myself whenever I feel like talking about myself. :)

#244

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

My bestfriend might be getting married. Well, I have a lot of friends that I consider bestfriend, and one of them might be getting married.

Two things that keep getting tugged on my heart:

1. She, like me, never really has anyone who is a potential spouse in life. Crushes, we do have. But she, like me, was never really in a serious relationship with anyone. Suddenly there is a guy who came into the picture, out of nowhere. I wasn't able to recover yet from the shock of someone coming into her life so sudden, and now she might even be getting married to that man. Double the shock.

2. She was so similar to me that I consider her the other me. One of my other bestfriends said something like this about the three of us; despite being 25, I don't feel pressured when people our age are getting married. But I might feel pressured when one of us is getting married. Well, not that I am pressured, but I think I will lose her as a bestfriend once she gets married. A part of me is getting married, how can I not?

I am sad over such an exciting news, I would be a bitch if I tell her all this, right?

#243 - 59 days to maturity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. 

So I'm trying again, for the nth time to restart blogging. First of all, pay no attention to the title. It is just my stupid countdown towards something that may somehow determine my wordly status, though my maturity level may have no affect at all.

A little update about myself; six years as a medical student has just ended early this month. I am currently waiting for my graduation in June. As desperate as I am for prayers and warm wishes from everyone, I hope no one would call me "Doctor". Yet. That title carries such a big responsibility that I would like to be free from the burden at least until my graduation day. Yes. I am in such a denial, but these few last months in Poland, I would love to savor it, create as much memories as I could, and leave this country that I've grown fond of without regrets.

One of the many things that I love about Poland is its public transport. It is so easy to go to Warsaw, about 126km away by train, that I've been going there almost every week. Pictures uploaded here are the pictures I just took at Lodz Widzew, the nearest train station to my house (only 10 minutes by bus). Trains, I think is one of the main public transports across Europe, hence explaining its comfortability, its affordability, its wide accessibility though sometimes it can also be a tad too expensive. Poland made me fall in love with trains. I am not sure how it works in Malaysia, but trains will always be my main mode of transport if I am to travel around Europe (excluding money as a variable).

I wish Malaysia could be like this in term of public transportations. It does not only concentrate on the city centres, but there are also easy acesses to public transports in small towns and villages. Of course, there are many who own cars in Malaysia, but there are just as many people who do not. I grew up having to depend on public transports and how amusing it is that since I was a primary school student up to now (about 15 years), there has not been much improvements in the system in the state I live in. Things that have changed are just the bus companies, the price of bus tickets and they printed the tickets now instead of bus conductors going around passing tickets. I just hope it would be more efficient, more frequent and it would cover more routes.

Well, this isn't how I imagined my comeback post would look like. But, it seems like a reflection from my heart. I am one of the many people in the world who use public transports, not only need them but also love riding on them. I will be greatly disappointed if my way of experiencing freedom is blocked by some people who think more about being recognized by the world instead of satisfying the citizen's needs.

#242

In the name of Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

Winter is my least favorite season, but since this may be my last winter in Poland, I get sentimental somehow. I always am that kind of girl, getting sentimental and emotional even with the littlest thing.

One question that I have been wondering; why is winter night so bright? It gets dark like usual when the sun sets around 5pm, but when it gets to 9pm and above, the sky doesn't get pitch dark. It turns bright and orange. Is it only due to light pollution?

Sometimes, the hardest things in life is the simplest one. Like..a simple question that is very hard to answer. For example, "Are you happy with your life now?"

It was a question I have no exact answer to. The answer always depends on my mood. What about you? Are you happy with your life? 

#240 Expectations

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

They say; start the day with something sweet and end it with something sweeter. I am trying to live by it, though more often than ever I tripped myself and fell. I missed how I used to write a lot without having a pause, because the idea just kept coming. Somehow, that time seems like ages ago. Eheh.

Anyway. I am here today after a while because of expectations. I was reminded of an incident, maybe eight years ago? I used to text a friend. Wanting to be perfect in front of him, I always thought very carefully before saying or writing anything to him. And one day, texting him made me realized that, although of the same age, we have this very huge gap of ways of thinking. My daily conversation with my girlfriends was about novels, dramas, boys and for me it was completely normal. While what he thought, texted and talked about was something that I wasn't used to, like the current issues of the country. I thought he was just more mature than he should be. However, it turned out that it was me, who didn't grow up fulfilling the expectation of the world.

Expectations. I am not talking about what our parents' expectations are of us, or what our expectations are of ourselves. This is about the the world's, the norm's expectations of us. Like..by the age of eight, you should have already known how to solve simple mathematics. By the age of eighteen, the country's issues should be included in your daily conversation. This kind of expectation. Ugh, why am I having the feeling that no one will really get what I am saying now? >.<

I am somehow bothered by this expectation again. At the age of 24. The world's expectation for a 24-year-old would be; graduating, working, getting married, buying a car or even a house. A friend shared this article; 25 Things Every Woman Should Have By The Time She Turns 25

Now tell me how am I not thinking about this expectation? I don't even know whether this is a good thing or not; knowing there's so much more to fulfill should give us the drive to work harder to fulfill them. But at the same time, knowing others your age have fulfilled them yet you are still the one trying...

Okay. 

But, living in your own unique way, isn't that also nice? Well, this might sound rebellious. But just because the world is like that, should we become that way as well? Who made the rule that to be successful you need to have a piece of paper called degree? Well, it may help but it doesn't mean those without it aren't successful.

This is the problem of the world. We measure people's success by how much money they make. We think someone should be respected when they graduated from prestigious colleges. We measure people superficially. Those superficial qualifications matter, but they are not what matter most.

"O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you people and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed the most nobel of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted."

"Wahai manusia! Sungguh, Kami telah menciptakan kamu dari seorang laki-laki dan seorang perempuan, kemudian Kami jadikan kamu berbangsa-bangsa dan bersuku-suku agar kamu saling mengenal. Sungguh, yang paling mulia di antara kamu di sisi Allah ialah orang yang paling bertakwa. Sungguh, Allah Maha Mengetahui, Maha Teliti."

49:13

What are people's expectations, or the world's expectations if Allah doesn't even count any of them?

So yeah Shiela. Don't be depressed seeing your friends moving forward faster than you. Do your best in whatever given to you, and the priority is not for the world to acknowledge you, but Allah. InsyaAllah. 

#232

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

When we were in first year, Kak Syifaa once said something that sounds like this.

"Kita masuk first year sama-sama. Beli barang sama-sama. Masak sama-sama, study sama-sama, kelas pun sama, ambik exam sama-sama, nanti balik Malaysia masa summer pun sama-sama. But during the next five years, each of us will go through different paths of life. Walaupun sama-sama study medic, tapi akan ada masa some will fail and some pass. Some terpaksa balik Poland awal for retake, some don't. Some might even flunk their year, kena repeat year, while some will excel."

Well, I didn't remember her exact words, it was 100% my words, but the meaning was kinda similar. Today I was reminded of it. 

A few people reminded me of it. A few people that are going on sorta war tomorrow. Something that'll determine their future in a way, somehow. Even if it doesn't, it's a war that somehow will affect what they think about themselves, their self-esteem. 

Untuk yang di Warsaw dan di Krakow.

Semoga Allah memudahkan urusan kalian. I feel bad. I can only pray for you, when I don't even know whether Allah hears my prayers or not. But there's a saying, "prayer isn't our last weapon, it's our main weapon." 

I'll pray that Allah listens to every of your prayers. Because right now, your prayers are much more precious than mine. Because right now, what happens to you all are much more important that what happens to me. 

If we have enough faith, He will guide us through this. There is no such thing as giving up. Losers are those sperms who lost their battle to the one sperm that made us today. We were winners since those moments we couldn't even recall. :) 

Dan tak ada benda dalam dunia that could go wrong. It just happens in a way that is not to our desires, but Allah's. Have enough faith to trust in every of His moves and plans, okay? We know, apa yang pernah berlaku, sedang dan akan berlaku adalah yang terbaik. Sejauh mana we actually believe in that to put it into actions?

I will stop ranting. But I hope people know that I dedicate this random writings to a few people that held a very special place in me. Those people who somehow made a part of me, and I am not going to be as proud of myself as I am today if I didn't meet them. 

All the best for tomorrow, and for the future. Don't let anything define you, but you and your faith. ^_^ 

"Bukankah Kami telah melapangkan dadamu? 

Dan Kami telah menghilangkan daripadamu bebanmu, yang memberatkan tanggunganmu? 

Dan Kami tinggikan bagimu sebutan namamu.

Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. 

Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. 

Maka Apabila kamu tekah selesai (dari sesuatu urusan), kerjakanlah dengan sungguh-sungguh (urusan) yang lain. 

Dan hanya kepada Tuhanmulah hendaknya kamu berharap."

#226 - a great escape

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Assalamualaikum wbt. 

29 Julai 2013, 6:35pm, dalam komuter ke KL Sentral.

Musafir. Musafir tu an action of bermusafir ke kata ganti nama untuk orang yang bermusafir? Hmm. Dua minggu jugak la lebih kurang jadi orang yang bermusafir ni. Dalam bulan Ramadhan pulak tu, melepas la peluang kalau tak guna sehabis baik untuk menembak doa sebanyak-banyaknya. Lagi-lagi untuk diri sendiri, family and friends, untuk dakwah, dan untuk mereka di Mesir dan negara-negara lain. 

Lama juga menyepi dari dunia blogging. Sejak awal May. Sibuk. Sibuk yang menyakitkan kepala, namun masih sibuk yang menggembirakan. Gembira bila sibuk itu kerana dakwah. Gembira bila sibuk itu menjauhkan diri sendiri dari movies, dramas and tv series. Alhamdulillah, selesai beberapa perkara, maka hilang juga beberapa beban yang tergalas. Namun, bukan bermaksud ini masa untuk bersantai menunggu ketibaan hari raya kan Shiela? ^^
I read this somewhere, probably twitter. 

"Money spent on experience gives people more happiness than money spent on materials."

Because experience gives you an everlasting memory maybe. Kalau spent on materials, macam S4, nanti keluar S5, akan berkuranglah kegembiraan tu bila sibuk compare dengan gadjet baru. Kan? So I am thinking untuk menyahut seruan tu. Masa muda ni jugak la yang banyak tenaga, dan alhamdulillah ada jugak duit simpanan sikit untuk mengembara mencari ilmu dan pengalaman. Sahut juga seruan Allah yang menyuruh kita berjalan di atas muka bumi-Nya dan menjadi orang yang berfikir! InsyaAllah...

July was a month of experience. Banyak buat benda baru. Banyak bertemu kenalan baru. Banyak mengenali sifat sahabat-sahabat yang sebelum ni dikenali gitu-gitu je. July was a month spent well, I shall say (experience-speaking and money-speaking). And bersyukur to be born as anak Pak. He gives me enough freedom and enough trust untuk saya mengemudi kehidupan saya sebagaimana yang saya mahu. InsyaAllah, I will never betray the trust. Hehe.

Beruzlah sekejap, walaupun saya kini di salah satu bandar paling sibuk di Malaysia. I need some times alone, to rearrange my pace and catch up on a few things I might have been left far behind. Rasa macam Trisy kejap. Hehe. Lari dari dunia, dengan niat untuk kembali ke dunia a better me. InsyaAllah. 

post script: i have the feeling i'll see you again very soon. :)

#222 - Ideologi Gila Seorang Hamba

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Aku tahu manusia pandai berimaginasi, because I am one. So, picture this.

Kau seorang perempuan. Or lelaki. Whichever. You are going to class. By tram. Or bus. Whichever. And there's separate compartments for lelaki and perempuan. 

Picture this. Kau hidup dalam satu zaman yang mana, tak ada sempadan antara negara. Wherever you wanna go, you are welcomed with smiles instead of bullets or strict customs. Satu dunia ditadbir oleh seorang pemerintah. Yang kita panggil khalifah. 

Aku gilakah? Terlalu kuat berangan-angan? Kurang tidur lalu aku bermimpi dalam keadaan sedar? 

Aku rindukan ustaziyatul alam. Allah. Tak perlu serabut-serabut fikir pasal pilihanraya yang bakal tiba. Tak ada korupsi. Tak ada anjing-menganjing antara parti. Aku boleh ke mana-mana tanpa dipandang pelik kerana aku berhijab, malah aku akan dihormati sesuai dengan martabat wanita dalam islam. 

Aku yakin dengan janji Allah. Namun, masih hidupkah aku saat itu? Apa yang sudah aku persiapkan dalam perjuangan ini? Aku mungkin kelihatan hebat bila menulis, namun amal perbuatan aku masih banyak yang kurang. Ya Allah. Gilakah aku?

post script: maybe what i need is sleep. Good night.

#218 quotes.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

This is a random post. I was on google searching for nice pictures and quotes about examination to give to these lovely sisters of mine who are taking the histology exam today. And I found too many beautiful quotes that I wish I had a tumblr to share them on, but since I don't have one, today this will be shielasaad.tumblr.com for a day. Eheh.

 His tests are either to punish us, to cleanse our sins or to put us one level higher. It depends on how we deal with it.

Do not question what He gave you, because 65:2,3.

Ask ourselves, do we put dunya in our hand, or in our heart? Which money are exactly ours, the one in our bank or the one we gave for infaq?

"Allah is as what you think He is." -quoted from hadith.

True. The only book that helps us live with love and dignity.

We have this tendency to deviate our thinking from 'Allah first' to 'Allah is the last option'. Astaghfirullahalazhim.

My favourite. After all, it depends on ourselves. To think of it as a torment or an opportunity. It's how we see with all our senses!

The picture says it all. Oh, I mean the verse from the Holy Book says it all. ^^

2:208. Why do we take Allah so lightly, fitting islam into our life instead of fitting our life into islam??

Oh. Indeed. Even hadith says it, two of the most forgotten nikmats are health and good times. 

post script: pictures aren't mine, solely taken from the google. credits to the owners of the pictures. no matter where they are, may Allah bless us all.

#213

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Hm. Nak belajar membaca dan menulis balik. Semoga Allah permudahkan. 

Malam ni rasa macam free sikit. Fuhh. Bahaya sangat la bila ada masa terluang ni. Ringan je tangan nak klik link yang bukan2. Huhu. T__T 

You know how when people talk about love, they used to say things like, "I will die of a broken heart." "I'm heartbroken." Or things similar to that? I learnt of a disease that is connected to a broken heart. A rare disease called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Or a broken-heart syndrome.

Hari ni belajar satu lagi syndrome. You know when people in love used to say things like, "You made my heart skip a beat."? Well, there's a syndrome called sick sinus syndrome. In this syndrome, you heart does skip a beat. Or beats. Eheh. I think it's so cool to relate love with diseases. Eheh. 

Seronok sangat bila masuk clinical year ni. Dapat deal directly dengan patients. Dapat belajar banyak sangat benda dengan Polish people. Orang2 Poland ni sangat rajin dan sangat pandai, yang melimitkan dorang just bahasa perantaraan. Kebanyakannya kat Poland ni study dalam bahasa dorang sendiri. Banyak je doktor2 kat sini yang buat segala macam researches and publish books, tapi in Polish. Dan dorang ni sangat eager untuk berkongsi ilmu dan mengajar kita. 

Alhamdulillah sangat dipilih Allah untuk ke Poland. Banyak sangat diri sendiri berubah since datang Poland ni. I will just gonna keep rambling about stupid stuffs if I continue writing, so I better stop here. 

***

This is another random entry. Sorry that it's random. Eheh. 

#212 - randomly written.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

It's 20th of November 2012, 6th of Muharram 1434, 9:41pm.

Dear you (who are reading) and myself (who is writing),

I'm heartbroken today. Period. 

***

Dear you (who are reading) and myself (who is writing),

Let's be mature for a short minute and talk about something serious. Globally serious. It's all over the world; as in literally all over the world. In Facebook, people are talking about Gaza. In twitter. Hundreds of blogs. Demonstrations were held in many places throughout the globe. Even in Warsaw. It shows that this Palestine-Israel conflict is no longer a religious issue between Muslims-Jewish. It's a humanity issue. Quoting a friend's post on Facebook; 

"You don't need to be a muslim to pray for Gaza. You just need to be a human. Have some mercy."

And I personally believe that the victory is going to be ours soon. This is not a new issue. It's been going on for decades. Let's pray and hope together that whatever we feel towards Gaza and the Palestinians as a whole is not a just a fling, a short-lasting feeling that will eventually fade away. We are indebted towards them the Palestinians. Baitul Maqdis is not something that belongs to the Palestinians; it belongs to the Muslims. Yet we let them fight for it and what do we do outside the ring? Do we even have the slightest effort to care about what's going on?

***

Dear you (who are reading) and myself (who is writing),

It doesn't feel right to talk about myself today, because I completely realize that the world doesn't just revolve around me. But, somehow I just realize that I'm changing, thanks to the world's most retardest bestest friend who happens to be my best friend. And soulmate in a way. :) 

Alhamdulillah, praise and gratitude to Allah. Being a 4th year is hard, tiring, stressful and busy. Yet, I enjoy my life right now more than my first three years in Poland. :) The tarbiyah directly from above is also getting harder, but it gets us one step closer to Him.

**********************************