Hello - to whoever out there who would still be lurking around blogspots and somehow stumbled upon this very ancient and rusty page that hasn't been alive for the past 2 years and 8 months.
A lot has changed since the last time I was here. 3 years has almost passed anyway. I was in my 20s when I last wrote and now I'm already over 30. Besides being obviously older, I have changed workplace - now back to my hometown in Perlis. I left Bintulu, Sarawak in August 2021 after working there for 3 years.
And whether I would like to admit it or not, I am now in a better place - at least for my mental health. 3 years in Bintulu gave me a thousand and one experiences - which I think is necessary for me to be who I am today, more like to appreciate who I am today. I was in a bad state back in Bintulu, the worst part is I didn't even realize that it was bad for me until I moved back to my hometown. I was depressed - not clinically diagnosed, I refused to put an official label to what I have been experiencing - and I had quite a hard time getting used to being happy. I thought I was happy in Bintulu, turned out I was actually able to be happier. I am not used to feeling happy - always in a bad mood and being angry - now I think I am at peace with who I am. For what it's worth, I am glad to be back to Perlis. For what it's worth, Bintulu was a dark place for me, but one which is necessary for me to grow up emotionally.
Hm, what else changed? If you follow me on Instagram closely (which I doubt people would), you would notice a pattern. I have been uploading pictures of people lately. I didn't even realize it until I did moments ago. I know for sure that I am an introvert, but I never realized that I would be able to warm up to the idea of new friends so fast. I thought it would take me years to open up to another person (like how it happened in Bintulu, I only started to warm up to Vicky and Ezza after one year). I thought I would not be able to make new friends anymore - acquaintances maybe, but not friends - but I have been spending more time with new friends now; eating out together, exercising together and even going to vacations together. For someone like me, I think it is an achievement in itself?
I also started doing silly stuffs that are insignificant but made me happy nonetheless. On the first day of 2022, Ezza took me out to get ear piercing. Pretty normal stuff right? But one I never thought of doing, but who knew I would be so happy after getting my ears pierced? I started to do some physical activities, though not consistently, but I started, okay? Back in Bintulu, I was always looking forward to go home to eat and sleep. Nowadays I went out for jungle trekking, wanted to try hiking again but sadly I don't think I'm physically fit to do that now (I gained almost 15kg in the last year in Bintulu, can I blame it on depression instead of my own self-indulgence?) but maybe in the future I would be able to do so? I started buying things which I wouldn't buy when I was in my 20s. In my 20s, I only bought things that I think I needed. Nowadays, I started buying things that I wanted, paying no heed to the amount of money I spent on myself. Newly bought things made me happy and I believe my happiness is what matters.
Tinesh called me reckless, sometimes I believe I am. But Tinesh also said that I am healing, and I believe that I also am. I also believe that I am in a better place but there are still rooms for improvements. What matters most to me now is my happiness. I want to be happy and I want to be at peace - I think I am at the right track to attain it.
By the way, if you read the comments on my last post, the comment posted by anonymous said that : Don't ever stop writing. If not for your sake, then it's for my sake. I am so touched, whoever would actually say this to me? Though too bad I practically stopped writing for 3 years after that haha. I will not promise that I am going to start writing frequently after this, but I guess if I am writing this much at a whim, maybe I would be able to do it again? Writing and reading has always been my passion, but it was somehow lost along the way of growth and being an adult, I would really love to get it back.
Till then, please take care. A lot has really changed since I last wrote here - namely there was no COVID-19 before. So do take care, and please be well and healthy and happy.
