#270

Is holding in anger equals to being patient?

Or is being patient means not feeling angry in situations where normal people would feel angry?

Is holding in anger a good thing? You don't blow up and shout at people and smash furniture. So I guess some people would think holding in anger is a good reaction right? 

But is it really a good thing? I really need someone to tell me, because I honestly do not know. Way back when I was in my early 20s, the way I dealt with anger was through tears. I cried whenever I felt angry. I wrote about it. I talked to myself. I was kinda closed up, I never really trusted people to tell them what I was dealing with. It was just a coping mechanism I somehow adapted to - crying. 

I cried a lot during my high school period and in my early 20s that I think I must have used up 90% of my lifetime tears? Lol.

Because somehow, nowadays I rarely cried. I used to think of myself as somewhat soft-hearted but nowadays, I am everything but. Maybe I have had enough of what I experienced throughout my childhood up to my 20s that I was somehow hardened. 

Sometimes, I felt like I am healing mentally. A part of it was true. I am happier. But nowadays when I encountered setbacks, instead of crying, I got annoyed and irritated and I started becoming impulsive. I started doing things without thinking first. This isn't a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations right? Somehow, I realized that instead of dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 1, I just started dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 2. Like I got out of one sticky situation to fall right back into another sticky situation.

I am writing right now because I am holding in my anger. Being 33 and is still being verbally and emotionally abused by one parental figure is such a pathetic thing to live in, don't you think? Why the hell am I still cooped up in this hellhole, I am also not sure. Why the hell am I still allowing myself to be trampled in emotionally when I should be adult enough to get out of it, I am also not sure. I think it's just the way we were brought up in. Our cultures told us to be good children to our parents, to repay them for taking care of us. I don't disagree, we should be thankful in life, but not every parents deserve the treatment.

People in general - specifically my relatives, my siblings, my father, my step-mother should never be proud of me. I am more broken than I am healed. I didn't grow up in an environment that helped me grow emotionally. They should never compare me with someone else of my age. Saying things like - she's married, she had 3 children now, she bought a house, she brought her parents to live with her and whatnots. I did not grow up in the same environment as they did. I lost a mother's love at 11 years old and I have been deprived of it ever since. I did not have a figure that helped nurturing me - no wonder this is how I turned out to be.

I don't care if I am being defensive and making excuses for myself. I don't care if people think I am wrong. I stopped caring about what people think of me the day I decided to move out of my father's house permanently. But not caring does not mean it stops hurting. I am still broken and hurting, no matter how much I pretended to be okay.

I am not writing this here to make it look like I have it worse than others. No. We can't compare what we experienced in our life. Everyone has different trials and tribulations, everyone has different limits, everyone just has it differently. I just want to heal. When I feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, I do not want to pretend like it's okay anymore. I do not want to keep everything inside anymore. I want to face my demons and I want to heal, no matter how long it will take.

I have came to realize that I am far from having an ordinary life. But I guess it's okay. Different people have it differently. Who I am today is the result of who I was yesterday. I had it hard, I didn't know before, though now I know. And I want to try to be accepting of it. I'm broken, but that's okay.

#269

I'm writing this just as a reminder for myself.

1. I have enough baggage on my own that it shouldn't be my responsibility to make others feel better. 

2. I should not feel bad when people are having a hard time, I could empathize, maybe wishing that things will eventually be better for them, but it isn't my fault that they are feeling bad in the first place, so I should not feel guilty.

3. I am allowed to be happy when people are not. Everyone lives life differently, everyone has their own pace and I should not feel guilty when I am feeling content with my life while others are not.

4. As much as I shouldn't judge others, I also cannot delude myself in believing that I understand people's actions. People do things for many different reasons, sometimes even reasons I couldn't fathom and it's not my responsibility to try understanding people's every actions.

5. As much as we try not to think about it, somehow there is a little fault in our own self for falling into some uncomfortable situations. Not many people have the courage or the mental capability to get out of some sticky situations, and it is not my responsibility to help them out of it if they don't feel like helping themselves. 

Everyone agrees that changes are inevitable, but most of the times we did not realize that we are going through some phases of changes until it's over. I am grateful that I was able to look back at myself, and I saw that I was changing - somehow for the better. At least better for my mental health. There are no ways I would entertain the idea of going out with people I am not comfortable with before, even if I have to, I'd dread the moment. However, nowadays I am looking forward to talking to people I seldom talk to, just to see how their thought processes are.

I just realized this last night. Who we surround ourselves with will influence our own thought process. And I'd like to talk to different people, some of them might help me see and understand things differently.

#268

Okay this is a spur of the moment post, which will likely be just me rambling nonsense until I feel like there's so much nonsense that I should stop.

I am in the middle of trying to force myself to focus on doing intellectual and productive works. But just how I always am, I yawn within the first 10 minutes. 5 hours has passed, now nearing 6 hours, and I am still forcing myself, which somehow hasn't shown any positive progress.

I am in the middle of the bridge - contemplating whether I should just say to hell with it and pack and go home and sleep or forcing myself somemore so that I will not be a disappointment to my future self. My future self, as in myself next week who would be regretting not finishing my works earlier and procrastinating until the last minute.

Right now, whatever I have been reading seems like a lullaby, nothing goes into my head, they only pass from one eye to another. I'm a disappointment. T_T

I wish people will text me and distract me from focusing on being a disappointment, but I guess everyone wants me to be disappointed. T_T

Okay bye. This is not the real me. This is the me in this moment. 

#267

July has been taxing to me so far. Physically and emotionally.

When you reach my age, everything feels a little more intense than usual? I'm not sure if I am speaking on behalf of people my age, or it's just me feeling this way. I feel like there are a lot of things in my mind and it would be so nice if I am able to spill them all out, but I find it difficult to mold them into words. I wish I was still good with words but apparently I'm not.

It's only mid-July but this month has taught me a few things so far :

1. I'm addicted to travelling and I cannot decide whether it is a healthy coping mechanism or otherwise. It's only been about one month since my last travel - 3 weekends that I've been cooped up in Perlis, but I feel restless. Because for me it's either all or none. If I don't travel and spend almost 20K steps walking, I'd be wrapped in my blanket the whole day with barely 100 steps accomplished. Days spent being lazy are good once in a while, but I tend to be lazy to such extreme that I will feel disappointed with myself when the day is over. 

2. I'm addicted to travelling but with current commitments, I might not have the financial capability to maintain such lifestyle. I wake up everyday and I am thankful that I am one single lady who does not have the commitment of a family to maintain. I am barely hanging on on my own, let alone if I have 2 kids to maintain. LOL. There are things (luxuries) that I might have to cut down if I do not want to find ways to look for more money (locum?), and cutting down on travelling feels like hurting myself physically.

3. There are responsibilities you are expected to bear on your shoulder even if you hate it to the core. I couldn't understand this simple sentence at first you know? I am always here and there preaching about doing things that you want, things that make you happy, things that you will regret the least, but then we kinda live in a society where social interactions are needed to continue living you know? So I am in the middle of trying to come to term that even if I hate this one particular thing, I just have to face it - unless if I feel like running off to a faraway country, which of course sounds tempting but not achievable practically.

4. I have been learning about minds - consciously and unconsciously. It feels like God wants me to learn about it, for what I am still not sure though. It seems like a topic that has been hanging around me for the past week. I went to a course about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy last week, and even though the course was done so that I could treat patients better, it turned out to be a course that made me understand myself a little more. Then I had a conversation with my colleague, Vaish about seeing people's actions in a psychological point of view, and it's surprising how when we change the way we see things, our opinion evolves too. And Tinesh shared with me an extract from a book he's been reading (Think Like A Monk) about The Monkey Mind - and it's also about this. Maybe later if I have the 'mind' for it, I would write in length about this.

5. At the age of 30, I learnt that being attached to people are detrimental to your mental health. Even though we cannot live without interactions with other people, there are reasons why people say we cannot allow ourselves to get attached too much emotionally to others. Since then I kinda keep myself closed off, opening up when I feel like I need to but I am always reminding myself that people are bound to go away from your life. Today, I would like to remind myself again about this, that it's okay to seize and enjoy the moment with people who are currently in my life, but do remember that it will not last forever and they are bound to go away one day.

#266

I keep wanting to write but never had enough motivations to do so. Is it because I haven't been reading a lot, hence I stopped knowing what to write?

Maybe I should write more about my daily life, about what I encounter on daily basis. Will it be a topic interesting enough to read?

One of my specialists back in Bintulu texted me a few days ago, wishing me Selamat Hari Raya. While we were texting, I asked her a question : Will you be disappointed with me if I don't pursue my studies and end up being a chronic MO? She then replied : I won't. I just want you to be happy with what you are doing.

You know what, honestly, not that her opinion matters. Not that anyone else's opinions matter. But having someone to actually voice it out that my happiness matters more than my career progress kinda feels liberating and relieving. 

Being 33 this year and you would think that I must have already had it all, like I must have been living the kind of life I want for myself. Stable in every ways possible, adulting well and handling life perfectly. But if you still haven't figured it out, your age really does not have anything to do with how great you are at handling your life. I'm still clueless most of the times. There are many things that I am still awkward doing and not knowing how to do at all. Like how last week was my first experience on buying a freaking watermelon. I never had to go to a fruit stall to buy one whole huge chunk of watermelon because who would I buy it for anyway? But Makteh asked me to and I was awkward doing it, but that mundane thing gave me one whole experience that I felt great having. Do you understand what I mean? Do you get it? I bet you don't, I bet you think that I'm just rambling.

Well, I am rambling. But it's because if there is anything aging taught me, it is to appreciate the little and ordinary things that are happening in my life. I used to dream of an ordinary life since I was in high school. I wanted to be a teacher or to do an office job. I wanted to work 8 to 5 and then have the weekend off to spend with my family. I want to get married and have kids and age doing what people do in a normal and ordinary life.

But somehow my life is a little bit out of its tangent now. I'm living alone and it seems like I won't be getting married in the near future or at all, but I feel like my life is as ordinary as it can get right now, and I'm loving being able to find the silver linings and enjoy every seconds of it despite how ordinary it is. 

I find joys reconnecting with families and friends. I find it more enjoyable to spend my time outside talking with my friends than cooping up inside my own four-walled bedroom. Not that I don't spend time with myself at all, I still need some space and time to myself, but I don't actively avoid going out now like how I used to before. I'm feeling so happy now there is no way people will believe me.

People will think that I am still incomplete - because for people, to be complete you have to be married and further progress in your career, but people have no idea how complete I feel as of now. I'm so grateful to God that I feel like I still don't feel grateful enough.

My life isn't perfect. I am still that person who used to be depressed with negative mindsets, and sometimes the graph of my life goes down but I guess I'm just going to accept that I am having a bipolar personality where I'll be manic on one day and depressed the next day and that's okay. I'm okay. I'm perfectly fine with how imperfect my life is. 

If there are still people who come across this boring post and able to finish reading it till now, I hope you will be able to stand up tall and tell yourself that you're perfectly okay. Okay for being not okay and okay when you are okay. 

#265

Hi. I am currently writing in Microsoft Word, somehow I can’t go online due to some poor connection problems, so I’m writing here in hope of transferring this to my blog later. Let’s see how it goes.

It’s the end of the first weekend in 2023. It’s 2246H on Sunday as of now, and I am already feeling the Monday blues creeping into my backbone.

But. That wasn’t what I wanted to write about. The first week of January 2023 taught me something and I wanted to put it here so that I would be able to read it again in the future, in hope that I would be able to remember the exact emotions that I am currently feeling.

Nothing much happened to me in this first week, but I saw how some people around me experienced some big changes in their life back in 2022 and early 2023. And it made me reflect on myself, and unfortunately I started comparing things. So this is just a post about me giving myself a pep talk.

I have talked a lot about 2022 in here. Personally, 2022 has been quite a growth from me. I grew in many ways and I came out of it feeling a little better about myself. But when I looked back, I could see that I was trying so hard to chase after some sense of happiness and a little bit of mental health that I stopped looking around. Of course, I still believe that what matters the most to me is myself, my health and my happiness. But at the same time I didn’t see how some people out there, being the same age as me or even younger, are struggling in their life in ways that I couldn’t even comprehend myself being in.

And hence, I started comparing myself. I felt that I was grateful for everything that God let me experience and feel in 2022, but I forgot to see how people around me are doing. I was busy trying to survive myself that I didn’t even realize that there are people who might need my help out there. Of course, I am one person, what kind of things do I think I would be able to do to offer help? Will it make the world a better place? Nope. But I just feel bad. Like my bubble was just burst and then only I saw that it’s not only me who’s struggling, everyone is struggling and some even struggled more than myself.

And that’s why I wanted to give myself a reminder.

 

Dear Narshiela Saad, no matter what, the struggles that you went through are uniquely yours and are incomparable. Everyone is facing their own battles, and no one battle is harder than the other. We are being tested based on our own strength and we all handle them differently. I am proud of myself for being healthier mentally, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for going out of my comfort zones, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for connecting with people first, when I never did that before. I am proud of myself for breaking down and not holding everything in and admitting that I am facing a hard time. I am proud to be enjoying little things in life that I used to take for granted before.

And so I hope I will continue to be myself. There are many ways that people do to cope with their own life and problems. I sometimes feel bad to be sharing a lot of things on Instagram / Facebook or even here, but then I want to be okay with doing it. That’s just how I cope. My coping mechanism hasn’t always been healthy. I used to escape and run away and hide in my figurative cave more frequent previously, though I still do that sometimes, I do believe that I’m healing better. 

Someone said, “I was able to love myself by distancing myself from the thought of loving myself.” I have yet to understand what this really means. Maybe one day when I am finally able to truly love myself, I will be able to know what this actually means.

 

#264

Hi. 

Happy New Year 2023 to anyone who is still lurking around blogspots.

Sangat ketinggalan zamankah, to still be using this when everyone else seems to have moved on to other social platforms? People all over are recording short videos for tiktoks nowadays and trust me, I will start using tiktok when people would have already moved on to a newer social platform in the future.

There is beauty in sharing pictures and videos, I don't doubt that. But I can't just forget that writing is kind of healing for me. Writing used to be my passion even before I own a phone that has camera in it. Nowadays, I don't think I will be able to write the way I used to, but I refuse to leave it altogether. Once in a while, I would force myself to ramble something in here, even though it is meaningless. 

It's 2023 now. Time does fly fast, don't you think? I think 2022 has been my happiest year to date. In 2022, I was able to travel a lot and I was able to do things that I wanted to do without being held back. You know what usually holds me back? My own insecurities. All of the what-ifs. When I braved myself and crossed that bridge, I found out that it wasn't all that bad. I still lived, didn't I? If there are people reading this and arestill on the edge of whether wanting to do something or not, I think you should. You won't know without trying and you will forever live with the guilt of the what-ifs. And if you tried but then failed, at least you tried, right?

2022 wasn't all rainbows for me however. Like I mentioned in my previous post, my father was sick. (Alhamdullilah he's better now). But it was a trying time for me. I was on depression due to it for a while but as he gets better, I am also getting better. It was my first time caring for a sick family member, and I found out that there are many things that I need to learn still. I realized that my father depended on me as well. It was a strange feeling you know. In my mind, he is still the father figure who is so strong, but I just have to admit that he's older now, and weaker and he will need me more than I need him now.

For 2023, of course I would have to be typical to come out with new year resolutions right? I am doubting myself that I will be able to achieve these resolutions so I'm keeping it very minimum.

1. I would want to live in my own house (basically still the bank's house but still..let me dream of it). I started paying for my own house since October, received the keys in October, currently still under renovations and I am giddy about decorating the house even though I have zero artistic bone in me. Hopefully, by Hari Raya in April, my siblings and I would be able to have a gathering in there.

2. I wanted to lose more weight. I was 66.6kg when I entered 2022. Weighed myself today and I am at 59.95kg (refuse to round it up to 60kg I don't care). Hopefully I would be able to lose another..4kg? 5kg? By the end of the year? Let's hope so. I have reached that plateau so it will be harder to lose more weight now, but since dreaming is free so why not right? 

3. No matter what, I will not let money hold any power over me. Savings are good, but it shouldn't hinder you from enjoying life. Do not have the mindset that I'm saving now so that I will have an easier life in the future. You have no idea how long will you live. Savings are good, but enjoying the moment is also good. I refuse to stop myself from enjoying a little luxury now just because I need to save for the future. And with that, I wish that I would be able to travel more in 2023. Maybe one trip outside Malaysia? Like how I used to do before the pandemic?

The picture above is of me in The Habitat, Penang Hill back in September I think. I was there exploring alone, so no one to take a picture of me hence the very awkward angle of my phone on the floor. 

I will write again, though I won't put pressure on myself by putting a timeline on when it will be. I hope whoever comes across this will have a healthy and beautiful 2023. :)