#270

Is holding in anger equals to being patient?

Or is being patient means not feeling angry in situations where normal people would feel angry?

Is holding in anger a good thing? You don't blow up and shout at people and smash furniture. So I guess some people would think holding in anger is a good reaction right? 

But is it really a good thing? I really need someone to tell me, because I honestly do not know. Way back when I was in my early 20s, the way I dealt with anger was through tears. I cried whenever I felt angry. I wrote about it. I talked to myself. I was kinda closed up, I never really trusted people to tell them what I was dealing with. It was just a coping mechanism I somehow adapted to - crying. 

I cried a lot during my high school period and in my early 20s that I think I must have used up 90% of my lifetime tears? Lol.

Because somehow, nowadays I rarely cried. I used to think of myself as somewhat soft-hearted but nowadays, I am everything but. Maybe I have had enough of what I experienced throughout my childhood up to my 20s that I was somehow hardened. 

Sometimes, I felt like I am healing mentally. A part of it was true. I am happier. But nowadays when I encountered setbacks, instead of crying, I got annoyed and irritated and I started becoming impulsive. I started doing things without thinking first. This isn't a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations right? Somehow, I realized that instead of dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 1, I just started dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 2. Like I got out of one sticky situation to fall right back into another sticky situation.

I am writing right now because I am holding in my anger. Being 33 and is still being verbally and emotionally abused by one parental figure is such a pathetic thing to live in, don't you think? Why the hell am I still cooped up in this hellhole, I am also not sure. Why the hell am I still allowing myself to be trampled in emotionally when I should be adult enough to get out of it, I am also not sure. I think it's just the way we were brought up in. Our cultures told us to be good children to our parents, to repay them for taking care of us. I don't disagree, we should be thankful in life, but not every parents deserve the treatment.

People in general - specifically my relatives, my siblings, my father, my step-mother should never be proud of me. I am more broken than I am healed. I didn't grow up in an environment that helped me grow emotionally. They should never compare me with someone else of my age. Saying things like - she's married, she had 3 children now, she bought a house, she brought her parents to live with her and whatnots. I did not grow up in the same environment as they did. I lost a mother's love at 11 years old and I have been deprived of it ever since. I did not have a figure that helped nurturing me - no wonder this is how I turned out to be.

I don't care if I am being defensive and making excuses for myself. I don't care if people think I am wrong. I stopped caring about what people think of me the day I decided to move out of my father's house permanently. But not caring does not mean it stops hurting. I am still broken and hurting, no matter how much I pretended to be okay.

I am not writing this here to make it look like I have it worse than others. No. We can't compare what we experienced in our life. Everyone has different trials and tribulations, everyone has different limits, everyone just has it differently. I just want to heal. When I feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, I do not want to pretend like it's okay anymore. I do not want to keep everything inside anymore. I want to face my demons and I want to heal, no matter how long it will take.

I have came to realize that I am far from having an ordinary life. But I guess it's okay. Different people have it differently. Who I am today is the result of who I was yesterday. I had it hard, I didn't know before, though now I know. And I want to try to be accepting of it. I'm broken, but that's okay.