#266

I keep wanting to write but never had enough motivations to do so. Is it because I haven't been reading a lot, hence I stopped knowing what to write?

Maybe I should write more about my daily life, about what I encounter on daily basis. Will it be a topic interesting enough to read?

One of my specialists back in Bintulu texted me a few days ago, wishing me Selamat Hari Raya. While we were texting, I asked her a question : Will you be disappointed with me if I don't pursue my studies and end up being a chronic MO? She then replied : I won't. I just want you to be happy with what you are doing.

You know what, honestly, not that her opinion matters. Not that anyone else's opinions matter. But having someone to actually voice it out that my happiness matters more than my career progress kinda feels liberating and relieving. 

Being 33 this year and you would think that I must have already had it all, like I must have been living the kind of life I want for myself. Stable in every ways possible, adulting well and handling life perfectly. But if you still haven't figured it out, your age really does not have anything to do with how great you are at handling your life. I'm still clueless most of the times. There are many things that I am still awkward doing and not knowing how to do at all. Like how last week was my first experience on buying a freaking watermelon. I never had to go to a fruit stall to buy one whole huge chunk of watermelon because who would I buy it for anyway? But Makteh asked me to and I was awkward doing it, but that mundane thing gave me one whole experience that I felt great having. Do you understand what I mean? Do you get it? I bet you don't, I bet you think that I'm just rambling.

Well, I am rambling. But it's because if there is anything aging taught me, it is to appreciate the little and ordinary things that are happening in my life. I used to dream of an ordinary life since I was in high school. I wanted to be a teacher or to do an office job. I wanted to work 8 to 5 and then have the weekend off to spend with my family. I want to get married and have kids and age doing what people do in a normal and ordinary life.

But somehow my life is a little bit out of its tangent now. I'm living alone and it seems like I won't be getting married in the near future or at all, but I feel like my life is as ordinary as it can get right now, and I'm loving being able to find the silver linings and enjoy every seconds of it despite how ordinary it is. 

I find joys reconnecting with families and friends. I find it more enjoyable to spend my time outside talking with my friends than cooping up inside my own four-walled bedroom. Not that I don't spend time with myself at all, I still need some space and time to myself, but I don't actively avoid going out now like how I used to before. I'm feeling so happy now there is no way people will believe me.

People will think that I am still incomplete - because for people, to be complete you have to be married and further progress in your career, but people have no idea how complete I feel as of now. I'm so grateful to God that I feel like I still don't feel grateful enough.

My life isn't perfect. I am still that person who used to be depressed with negative mindsets, and sometimes the graph of my life goes down but I guess I'm just going to accept that I am having a bipolar personality where I'll be manic on one day and depressed the next day and that's okay. I'm okay. I'm perfectly fine with how imperfect my life is. 

If there are still people who come across this boring post and able to finish reading it till now, I hope you will be able to stand up tall and tell yourself that you're perfectly okay. Okay for being not okay and okay when you are okay.