#267

July has been taxing to me so far. Physically and emotionally.

When you reach my age, everything feels a little more intense than usual? I'm not sure if I am speaking on behalf of people my age, or it's just me feeling this way. I feel like there are a lot of things in my mind and it would be so nice if I am able to spill them all out, but I find it difficult to mold them into words. I wish I was still good with words but apparently I'm not.

It's only mid-July but this month has taught me a few things so far :

1. I'm addicted to travelling and I cannot decide whether it is a healthy coping mechanism or otherwise. It's only been about one month since my last travel - 3 weekends that I've been cooped up in Perlis, but I feel restless. Because for me it's either all or none. If I don't travel and spend almost 20K steps walking, I'd be wrapped in my blanket the whole day with barely 100 steps accomplished. Days spent being lazy are good once in a while, but I tend to be lazy to such extreme that I will feel disappointed with myself when the day is over. 

2. I'm addicted to travelling but with current commitments, I might not have the financial capability to maintain such lifestyle. I wake up everyday and I am thankful that I am one single lady who does not have the commitment of a family to maintain. I am barely hanging on on my own, let alone if I have 2 kids to maintain. LOL. There are things (luxuries) that I might have to cut down if I do not want to find ways to look for more money (locum?), and cutting down on travelling feels like hurting myself physically.

3. There are responsibilities you are expected to bear on your shoulder even if you hate it to the core. I couldn't understand this simple sentence at first you know? I am always here and there preaching about doing things that you want, things that make you happy, things that you will regret the least, but then we kinda live in a society where social interactions are needed to continue living you know? So I am in the middle of trying to come to term that even if I hate this one particular thing, I just have to face it - unless if I feel like running off to a faraway country, which of course sounds tempting but not achievable practically.

4. I have been learning about minds - consciously and unconsciously. It feels like God wants me to learn about it, for what I am still not sure though. It seems like a topic that has been hanging around me for the past week. I went to a course about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy last week, and even though the course was done so that I could treat patients better, it turned out to be a course that made me understand myself a little more. Then I had a conversation with my colleague, Vaish about seeing people's actions in a psychological point of view, and it's surprising how when we change the way we see things, our opinion evolves too. And Tinesh shared with me an extract from a book he's been reading (Think Like A Monk) about The Monkey Mind - and it's also about this. Maybe later if I have the 'mind' for it, I would write in length about this.

5. At the age of 30, I learnt that being attached to people are detrimental to your mental health. Even though we cannot live without interactions with other people, there are reasons why people say we cannot allow ourselves to get attached too much emotionally to others. Since then I kinda keep myself closed off, opening up when I feel like I need to but I am always reminding myself that people are bound to go away from your life. Today, I would like to remind myself again about this, that it's okay to seize and enjoy the moment with people who are currently in my life, but do remember that it will not last forever and they are bound to go away one day.