Hi.
I don't exactly know what I want to write. My birthday passed and I am 32 now. What I learnt after being a year older is - I am not getting younger and healthier. I finally got sick, like really sick (in my understanding of sickness) I have to take a course of antibiotics. You see, I am proud of myself of the fact that I never really got sick before. Sure, 2 to 3 days of fever, but nothing that hinder me from going through my life like usual. But this time around, well at least I wasn't bedridden, but to be dependent on daily PPI for acute gastritis that I had never really experienced before is a new thing I can't get used to. And recurrent URTI that never really went away for the whole month until after I finally convinced myself to take antibiotics - something I never did since 13. I am really getting old.
At least it made me realize where I am now. My body is not like what it was before, and I shouldn't be taking it for granted.
The other thing is, sickness made me feel really lonely. I was fine living alone, in fact I love living alone, I thrive to live and be alone. But sickness made me feel so shitty for being alone. Sickness made me wish that there is someone by my side who would cook me porridge, rub my back and neck when I vomited out my whole lunch, took off my glasses when I slept with it still on, reminded me to take my medications on time and just be there checking up and caring for me you know.
But at the age of 32, I kind of realize that that is a dream that might not ever see reality at all. Truthfully, since I was a teenager with raging hormones, I have always thought that I would never be married or tied to another person for life. I guess my teenage self just knew it. Deep down, even though I crave for it because that was just how we were created to feel, it will always be something out of my reach.
I do not in any way know what future holds. But at 32, I am not actively looking for a partner. I wish I had one, but I guess I'm jaded now. I wish I had one, but I don't think having a partner will make me happier. I wish I had one, but who am I to blame that the one I wanted to be with will never be mine and maybe one experience is enough to last me a lifetime.
