#275

There is this quote I heard while listening to a mental health podcast about mindset. It goes like this - "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten."

It sounds cool, so it kinda stuck in me. I am writing right now as a mean to rearrange and reorganize my thoughts because it feels like everything is tangled up inside. And when it becomes so noisy in there, you know what is the one thing that can quieten it? Studying medicine. Wow, indeed. At least to me, who is lazy to learn. When I started voluntarily to study, a red flag pops up in me. It means I am at the verge of something. Of what - I don't know.

I know how people say that healing isn't linear, but sometimes I wonder to myself, do I even heal at all? I must be, if not much maybe a little, but I keep feeling stuck. I started questioning things. Like, I have always planned to be here until I retire, but now..I think I do want to see some progress. 

Because I feel stuck. I need to do something different so as not to feel stuck. Routine is good, but sometimes it stops you from healing you know. You can't heal if you are stuck. 

I miss those days when I feel fulfilled. Those days when I feel satisfied with whatever is going on. Nowadays, fulfillment feels like a far-fetched word. 

Okay, I'm gonna sign out and think of what kind of difference should I make after this. Byebye.

#274

What would be the hardest about living alone is feeling lonely.

Most of the time, I could say I lived well. Most of the time, I preferred being alone instead of being around people. I am good at faking myself, so around people, they would see me as someone who is always laughing and joking around. Whenever I am alone, I am simply in the moment. Me, myself and I.

But there are times, when I do feel like I want to be loved, cared and understood. And those times were the loneliest. Those times were when I would crawl into my figurative cave, be moody, screaming for help to be noticed inside, but outside I am still functioning like a normal adult. A human who is hollow. 

Is it because my soul isn't full? But this is a disease of biochemical imbalance. The result of my childhood. The result of growing up the way I did. I am facing the consequences now. It isn't anyone's fault. Not my own, nor my parents. It's just the way it is.

I am screaming right now, but no one heard me. 

Help me. Help me. Help me.