#232

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

When we were in first year, Kak Syifaa once said something that sounds like this.

"Kita masuk first year sama-sama. Beli barang sama-sama. Masak sama-sama, study sama-sama, kelas pun sama, ambik exam sama-sama, nanti balik Malaysia masa summer pun sama-sama. But during the next five years, each of us will go through different paths of life. Walaupun sama-sama study medic, tapi akan ada masa some will fail and some pass. Some terpaksa balik Poland awal for retake, some don't. Some might even flunk their year, kena repeat year, while some will excel."

Well, I didn't remember her exact words, it was 100% my words, but the meaning was kinda similar. Today I was reminded of it. 

A few people reminded me of it. A few people that are going on sorta war tomorrow. Something that'll determine their future in a way, somehow. Even if it doesn't, it's a war that somehow will affect what they think about themselves, their self-esteem. 

Untuk yang di Warsaw dan di Krakow.

Semoga Allah memudahkan urusan kalian. I feel bad. I can only pray for you, when I don't even know whether Allah hears my prayers or not. But there's a saying, "prayer isn't our last weapon, it's our main weapon." 

I'll pray that Allah listens to every of your prayers. Because right now, your prayers are much more precious than mine. Because right now, what happens to you all are much more important that what happens to me. 

If we have enough faith, He will guide us through this. There is no such thing as giving up. Losers are those sperms who lost their battle to the one sperm that made us today. We were winners since those moments we couldn't even recall. :) 

Dan tak ada benda dalam dunia that could go wrong. It just happens in a way that is not to our desires, but Allah's. Have enough faith to trust in every of His moves and plans, okay? We know, apa yang pernah berlaku, sedang dan akan berlaku adalah yang terbaik. Sejauh mana we actually believe in that to put it into actions?

I will stop ranting. But I hope people know that I dedicate this random writings to a few people that held a very special place in me. Those people who somehow made a part of me, and I am not going to be as proud of myself as I am today if I didn't meet them. 

All the best for tomorrow, and for the future. Don't let anything define you, but you and your faith. ^_^ 

"Bukankah Kami telah melapangkan dadamu? 

Dan Kami telah menghilangkan daripadamu bebanmu, yang memberatkan tanggunganmu? 

Dan Kami tinggikan bagimu sebutan namamu.

Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. 

Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. 

Maka Apabila kamu tekah selesai (dari sesuatu urusan), kerjakanlah dengan sungguh-sungguh (urusan) yang lain. 

Dan hanya kepada Tuhanmulah hendaknya kamu berharap."

#231 the scary thing

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Kali pertama menulis di Poland selepas summer break, in September, as a fifth-year medical student. Alhamdulillah, segala puji dikembalikan kepada Allah. Selama ini, saya sendiri ragu-ragu mampukah saya melalui six years of tortures (so they say), but I'm already more than halfway through it.

Secara tiba-tiba, hari ini saya membayangkan saat nyawa saya diambil Tuhan. Membayangkan? Lebih kepada mengimpikan mungkin. Siapa yang tidak mahu pengakhiran yang baik, bukan? Saya juga mengimpikan pengakhiran yang sebegitu. Hidup ini kadang-kadang bukan menjadi penentu bagaimana kita saat berada di hujung nyawa kelak. Kita tidak mungkin tahu bagaimana pengakhiran kita, sehinggalah saat kita melaluinya nanti.

Saya mengimpikan saya menghembuskan nafas yang terakhir seorang diri sambil lidah menyebut nama Allah, dan Dia menjadi memori terakhir saya tentang dunia. Ah, indahnya! Seolah-olah sebuah novel yang bisa kita lakar mengikut cita rasa. 

Bagaimana agaknya keadaan kita saat kita menutup mata selama-lamanya? Apa bekalan yang bakal kita bawa saat kita pergi menghadap Dia? Agaknya pahala yang menemani kita atau dosa yang kita bawa? 

Nothing is definite. Future is such a scary thing. Can you say for sure where will you be in 10 years? Or what will you be doing tomorrow? Will you be healthy next month? Will you still be with your parents and siblings next year? Are we prepared enough?

Jujurnya, saya takut mati. Death is a part of living, everyone faces it and it happens everyday. Tapi saya takut untuk mati. Saat ini, saya takut pada sebuah kematian. Saya belum bersedia untuk mati. Saya belum mampu berkata pada Tuhan, "Ambillah nyawa aku bila-bila yang Kau mahu, kerana aku sudah ada bekalan yang cukup untuk menemui-Mu. Kerana setiap saat aku digunakan untuk-Mu, maka tiada langsung sisa-sisa perbuatanku di atas dunia yang boleh Kau guna untuk menjatuhkan aku."

Allah. 

The scary thing is not dying, because death is a definite thing everyone will go through. But what's scary is not knowing when will we die, because the moment it occurs can be anywhen.

That's why they say patients having terminal diseases are blessed. So they know their time is coming to an end. But, do we want to ask from Allah to 'bless' us with a disease? 

Ugh.