#265

Hi. I am currently writing in Microsoft Word, somehow I can’t go online due to some poor connection problems, so I’m writing here in hope of transferring this to my blog later. Let’s see how it goes.

It’s the end of the first weekend in 2023. It’s 2246H on Sunday as of now, and I am already feeling the Monday blues creeping into my backbone.

But. That wasn’t what I wanted to write about. The first week of January 2023 taught me something and I wanted to put it here so that I would be able to read it again in the future, in hope that I would be able to remember the exact emotions that I am currently feeling.

Nothing much happened to me in this first week, but I saw how some people around me experienced some big changes in their life back in 2022 and early 2023. And it made me reflect on myself, and unfortunately I started comparing things. So this is just a post about me giving myself a pep talk.

I have talked a lot about 2022 in here. Personally, 2022 has been quite a growth from me. I grew in many ways and I came out of it feeling a little better about myself. But when I looked back, I could see that I was trying so hard to chase after some sense of happiness and a little bit of mental health that I stopped looking around. Of course, I still believe that what matters the most to me is myself, my health and my happiness. But at the same time I didn’t see how some people out there, being the same age as me or even younger, are struggling in their life in ways that I couldn’t even comprehend myself being in.

And hence, I started comparing myself. I felt that I was grateful for everything that God let me experience and feel in 2022, but I forgot to see how people around me are doing. I was busy trying to survive myself that I didn’t even realize that there are people who might need my help out there. Of course, I am one person, what kind of things do I think I would be able to do to offer help? Will it make the world a better place? Nope. But I just feel bad. Like my bubble was just burst and then only I saw that it’s not only me who’s struggling, everyone is struggling and some even struggled more than myself.

And that’s why I wanted to give myself a reminder.

 

Dear Narshiela Saad, no matter what, the struggles that you went through are uniquely yours and are incomparable. Everyone is facing their own battles, and no one battle is harder than the other. We are being tested based on our own strength and we all handle them differently. I am proud of myself for being healthier mentally, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for going out of my comfort zones, though not all the time. I am proud of myself for connecting with people first, when I never did that before. I am proud of myself for breaking down and not holding everything in and admitting that I am facing a hard time. I am proud to be enjoying little things in life that I used to take for granted before.

And so I hope I will continue to be myself. There are many ways that people do to cope with their own life and problems. I sometimes feel bad to be sharing a lot of things on Instagram / Facebook or even here, but then I want to be okay with doing it. That’s just how I cope. My coping mechanism hasn’t always been healthy. I used to escape and run away and hide in my figurative cave more frequent previously, though I still do that sometimes, I do believe that I’m healing better. 

Someone said, “I was able to love myself by distancing myself from the thought of loving myself.” I have yet to understand what this really means. Maybe one day when I am finally able to truly love myself, I will be able to know what this actually means.

 

#264

Hi. 

Happy New Year 2023 to anyone who is still lurking around blogspots.

Sangat ketinggalan zamankah, to still be using this when everyone else seems to have moved on to other social platforms? People all over are recording short videos for tiktoks nowadays and trust me, I will start using tiktok when people would have already moved on to a newer social platform in the future.

There is beauty in sharing pictures and videos, I don't doubt that. But I can't just forget that writing is kind of healing for me. Writing used to be my passion even before I own a phone that has camera in it. Nowadays, I don't think I will be able to write the way I used to, but I refuse to leave it altogether. Once in a while, I would force myself to ramble something in here, even though it is meaningless. 

It's 2023 now. Time does fly fast, don't you think? I think 2022 has been my happiest year to date. In 2022, I was able to travel a lot and I was able to do things that I wanted to do without being held back. You know what usually holds me back? My own insecurities. All of the what-ifs. When I braved myself and crossed that bridge, I found out that it wasn't all that bad. I still lived, didn't I? If there are people reading this and arestill on the edge of whether wanting to do something or not, I think you should. You won't know without trying and you will forever live with the guilt of the what-ifs. And if you tried but then failed, at least you tried, right?

2022 wasn't all rainbows for me however. Like I mentioned in my previous post, my father was sick. (Alhamdullilah he's better now). But it was a trying time for me. I was on depression due to it for a while but as he gets better, I am also getting better. It was my first time caring for a sick family member, and I found out that there are many things that I need to learn still. I realized that my father depended on me as well. It was a strange feeling you know. In my mind, he is still the father figure who is so strong, but I just have to admit that he's older now, and weaker and he will need me more than I need him now.

For 2023, of course I would have to be typical to come out with new year resolutions right? I am doubting myself that I will be able to achieve these resolutions so I'm keeping it very minimum.

1. I would want to live in my own house (basically still the bank's house but still..let me dream of it). I started paying for my own house since October, received the keys in October, currently still under renovations and I am giddy about decorating the house even though I have zero artistic bone in me. Hopefully, by Hari Raya in April, my siblings and I would be able to have a gathering in there.

2. I wanted to lose more weight. I was 66.6kg when I entered 2022. Weighed myself today and I am at 59.95kg (refuse to round it up to 60kg I don't care). Hopefully I would be able to lose another..4kg? 5kg? By the end of the year? Let's hope so. I have reached that plateau so it will be harder to lose more weight now, but since dreaming is free so why not right? 

3. No matter what, I will not let money hold any power over me. Savings are good, but it shouldn't hinder you from enjoying life. Do not have the mindset that I'm saving now so that I will have an easier life in the future. You have no idea how long will you live. Savings are good, but enjoying the moment is also good. I refuse to stop myself from enjoying a little luxury now just because I need to save for the future. And with that, I wish that I would be able to travel more in 2023. Maybe one trip outside Malaysia? Like how I used to do before the pandemic?

The picture above is of me in The Habitat, Penang Hill back in September I think. I was there exploring alone, so no one to take a picture of me hence the very awkward angle of my phone on the floor. 

I will write again, though I won't put pressure on myself by putting a timeline on when it will be. I hope whoever comes across this will have a healthy and beautiful 2023. :)