#270

Is holding in anger equals to being patient?

Or is being patient means not feeling angry in situations where normal people would feel angry?

Is holding in anger a good thing? You don't blow up and shout at people and smash furniture. So I guess some people would think holding in anger is a good reaction right? 

But is it really a good thing? I really need someone to tell me, because I honestly do not know. Way back when I was in my early 20s, the way I dealt with anger was through tears. I cried whenever I felt angry. I wrote about it. I talked to myself. I was kinda closed up, I never really trusted people to tell them what I was dealing with. It was just a coping mechanism I somehow adapted to - crying. 

I cried a lot during my high school period and in my early 20s that I think I must have used up 90% of my lifetime tears? Lol.

Because somehow, nowadays I rarely cried. I used to think of myself as somewhat soft-hearted but nowadays, I am everything but. Maybe I have had enough of what I experienced throughout my childhood up to my 20s that I was somehow hardened. 

Sometimes, I felt like I am healing mentally. A part of it was true. I am happier. But nowadays when I encountered setbacks, instead of crying, I got annoyed and irritated and I started becoming impulsive. I started doing things without thinking first. This isn't a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations right? Somehow, I realized that instead of dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 1, I just started dealing with it by doing something unhealthy number 2. Like I got out of one sticky situation to fall right back into another sticky situation.

I am writing right now because I am holding in my anger. Being 33 and is still being verbally and emotionally abused by one parental figure is such a pathetic thing to live in, don't you think? Why the hell am I still cooped up in this hellhole, I am also not sure. Why the hell am I still allowing myself to be trampled in emotionally when I should be adult enough to get out of it, I am also not sure. I think it's just the way we were brought up in. Our cultures told us to be good children to our parents, to repay them for taking care of us. I don't disagree, we should be thankful in life, but not every parents deserve the treatment.

People in general - specifically my relatives, my siblings, my father, my step-mother should never be proud of me. I am more broken than I am healed. I didn't grow up in an environment that helped me grow emotionally. They should never compare me with someone else of my age. Saying things like - she's married, she had 3 children now, she bought a house, she brought her parents to live with her and whatnots. I did not grow up in the same environment as they did. I lost a mother's love at 11 years old and I have been deprived of it ever since. I did not have a figure that helped nurturing me - no wonder this is how I turned out to be.

I don't care if I am being defensive and making excuses for myself. I don't care if people think I am wrong. I stopped caring about what people think of me the day I decided to move out of my father's house permanently. But not caring does not mean it stops hurting. I am still broken and hurting, no matter how much I pretended to be okay.

I am not writing this here to make it look like I have it worse than others. No. We can't compare what we experienced in our life. Everyone has different trials and tribulations, everyone has different limits, everyone just has it differently. I just want to heal. When I feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, I do not want to pretend like it's okay anymore. I do not want to keep everything inside anymore. I want to face my demons and I want to heal, no matter how long it will take.

I have came to realize that I am far from having an ordinary life. But I guess it's okay. Different people have it differently. Who I am today is the result of who I was yesterday. I had it hard, I didn't know before, though now I know. And I want to try to be accepting of it. I'm broken, but that's okay.

#269

I'm writing this just as a reminder for myself.

1. I have enough baggage on my own that it shouldn't be my responsibility to make others feel better. 

2. I should not feel bad when people are having a hard time, I could empathize, maybe wishing that things will eventually be better for them, but it isn't my fault that they are feeling bad in the first place, so I should not feel guilty.

3. I am allowed to be happy when people are not. Everyone lives life differently, everyone has their own pace and I should not feel guilty when I am feeling content with my life while others are not.

4. As much as I shouldn't judge others, I also cannot delude myself in believing that I understand people's actions. People do things for many different reasons, sometimes even reasons I couldn't fathom and it's not my responsibility to try understanding people's every actions.

5. As much as we try not to think about it, somehow there is a little fault in our own self for falling into some uncomfortable situations. Not many people have the courage or the mental capability to get out of some sticky situations, and it is not my responsibility to help them out of it if they don't feel like helping themselves. 

Everyone agrees that changes are inevitable, but most of the times we did not realize that we are going through some phases of changes until it's over. I am grateful that I was able to look back at myself, and I saw that I was changing - somehow for the better. At least better for my mental health. There are no ways I would entertain the idea of going out with people I am not comfortable with before, even if I have to, I'd dread the moment. However, nowadays I am looking forward to talking to people I seldom talk to, just to see how their thought processes are.

I just realized this last night. Who we surround ourselves with will influence our own thought process. And I'd like to talk to different people, some of them might help me see and understand things differently.