#272

Might delete or archive this post later. But as of now, I needed to vent somewhere.

Does life suck? I don't think life sucks. It's the way we perceive life that sometimes make it suck. It's in our mind, our perception and thought process. When we think and see things negatively, then it sucks. But thought processes is not something that we consciously do. It was built and adapted depending on the way our upbringing was.

Basically, we think and act differently from individual to individual because no one lives the same life, and our situations, environment, upbringing, people around us - those are what influenced us to think or act certain ways.

Thought processes - even though it is something that actually occur unconsciously, is something that we can shape and nurture - of course with motivations, wants and great difficulties.

Why am I saying all this? Because I know of how negative my thought processes has been my whole life, and I think I have tried really hard to change it. But just like how everything is, when you have your ups, you eventually will experience your downs as well.

When I think I was happy, I was satisfied and contented with life, a certain thing will always bring me down. When I think I was en route to healing mentally, I couldn't help but fall into depression in the middle of it.

Honestly, I don't even know if it is right of me to say this, but right now I feel lost. Maybe it is wrong to feel this way, but I feel like I need guidance, or an anchor but I have none of it. It has always been me and me alone. I always had to try on my own to be better, most of the times I think I did a good job at it. But when depression strucks, I feel so low, as if there is no way I am going to come out of it again.

If it was a depression stemmed from my own self, I know I can always get out of it. I was depressed back in Bintulu, I made a decision to leave Bintulu. I was depressed doing oncalls, I made a decision to try KK life. But there is this one constant source of depression that isn't me and I have no way of trying to get out of it.

If there is a person I truly dislike (dislike being the mild version of what I'm actually feeling), it is my stepmother. No. She isn't even someone deserving of being called 'mother' to me. To me, she is my father's wife. I know, it is bad of me to say this. I know, I am not a good person at all. This is my side of the story, obviously it is going to be biased to me. You would have to listen to both sides of the story to choose your side, but I kind of don't care of whose side you choose or if anyone will ever want to be on my side. After all this while, it was just me and me alone after all.

I lost my own mother when I was 11, my father remarried when I was 12. After my mother passed away, I grew up without a mother's love. In Islam, an orphan is called so only when you lose your father or both. You are not deserving of being an orphan if you lose only your mother. I was never an orphan by definition, but I have felt more orphaned than I should have after my father remarried. Life without mom sucks, life with only my father was bearable and there were happy times, life after my father remarried was torturous. 

After 2001, I grew up without a mother's love. You would see me different in certain ways, obviously without a mother's love, I became stunted in expressing emotions. I didn't know how to do it moderately. I stored everything inside. Then when I exploded I cried excessively. Or I laughed excessively. I was never able to tell people I love that I love them. I assumed that people like me less. I assumed that I am undeserving of receiving people's love. So I withdrew from people first, thinking it hurt less rather than waiting for them to leave me because they eventually would. Of course, at that point of time, I thought those are normal feelings a human feel. Only now retrospectively that when I look back, I saw how emotionally stunted I was.

My IQ was acceptable. I was told to be among the brightest in high school. Even in med school, I think I passed my tests with the least effort put on studying compared to my friends. But my EQ? DOWN THE FIGURATIVE BOTTOMLESS DRAIN.

If I am to put it in a simple sentence, I was abused. Never physically of course. If it was physical abuse, it would be easier for people to understand. But it was verbal and emotional abuse. It wounded me, scarred me and it was never healing properly. 

09 May 2022 was the day I took the decision to get out of my father's house for good. It was the day I decided it was enough. Some people who knew a little of what I went through asked me to be patient for my father. But that was the day I chose myself over everyone else. I love my father - maybe I didn't know how to show it properly - but on that day, I decided that I love myself more than I love my father. It was a tough decision but a decision I did not regret. 

Instead of facing the abuse on daily basis nowadays, I reduced it to weekly basis. I visited my father weekly, and on those days I went, she would talk my ear off - sometimes rudely accusing me of stealing things, sometimes telling me how regretful she was of helping her husband during their married life together, most of the times asking me for my father's money. 

This is my side of the story. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to side with me. You don't have to give me advices. I don't care. I sinned, I know so. I hope God will see my struggle and understand why I did what I did. I hope nobody reads this.