#234 the other side of me

In the name of Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

I am supposed to go to Norway today. With Fadh, Pidah and Yuyu.

(like my feeling. empty.)

But what are my plans compared to His?

***

Have I ever introduced you to my housemates of five years here?  

Thohirah. Or we call her Yuyu. When we were in MSU, I had an impression that she is soft and nice. A polite Malay girl who talks nicely and smiles all the time. Turned out I was wrong. She is still nice, but she is actually this bubbly girl who sometimes makes lame jokes which you can't help but laugh uncontrollably at. She is this girl who is good at masking her emotions, and even when she's upset, she'll stay quiet and never brings it up. She brought the Ganu slang into our home and now we no longer speak in one dialect, we mix all of the dialects in one go.

Afidah. Or she likes people calling her Pidah. She believes that she's a lost princess of a kingdom and one day people will acknowledge her princess quality. *rolling eyes jap* See what she is here? A girl with a princess complex. Haha. She used to be very sensitive, and because of that she cares about people's feelings more than anyone. Despite everything, I see her as next to perfect and even though she doesn't acknowledge that, I know it's because she doesn't see herself in my point of view. She's responsible for our Kelate slang, though her family says she's not good in that dialect either. Eheh.

Fadhlina. Or Fadh. If you are to live with her, you need to get used to two things. One, listening to the same stories more than twice. Two, her weird and sometimes annoying attitude. What can I say? She's weird. Why? No one can objectively interpret what weird is. Let's just say she does things normal people don't usually do. But she is one organized person, thanks to her parents' genes. She doesn't like to lose in arguments but when she needs to be a listener and adviser, she listens and advises well. She taught us the Nogori slang though I think I'd never be able to speak in that slang. @.@

***

That's a short introduction about my housemates. We all have flaws. The reason we are still friends today after knowing each other's flaws is we overlook those for the qualities we have within. 

Thank you for keeping up with me; my moodswings, my cravings, my laziness and the list goes on and on. You girls are awesome and I am grateful to be one of the abandoned four in Lodz because of you. Lol. Exaggerating. 

I pray that this friendship, or ukhwah, or bond, or whatever you call it will last forever. Forever as in, not only when we are alive, but until we are alive again in the other eternal world. I am in this with them. I become who I am today because I have them to support me, to talk to me, to stop me and to encourage me. We are in this together, as a doctor-to-be and a full-time daie. I can't imagine a day not having them close by. I can't imagine a day going through this path of life without holding their hands. I don't ever want to imagine it, nor do I want it to happen. 

Allah, ya muqallibal qulub, tsabbit qulubana 'ala dinik. 

post script 1: Being left behind is painful enough. And now it's being left behind while feeling under the weather. I hate this. 

post script 2: why is this entry called the other side of me? a tribute to the late sidney sheldon's novel. eheh. and they are the other side of me. they are my reflections, and I am them.

#233 One post per month?

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

......(susun ayat, tarik nafas dalam-dalam, kumpul perasaan untuk dimuntahkan)......

2001. Ibu meninggal dunia.

2013. Saya menjejak usia 23 tahun. Not that young, not that old either. But I'm an adult. Sudah dewasa. 12 tahun saya hidup tanpa seorang ibu. A little bit more than half of my life. 

Membesar tanpa seorang ibu memberi satu impak besar dalam hidup saya. Fasa puberty tanpa ibu mengajar bertenang. Fasa suka lelaki tanpa ibu berleter menghalang. Fasa rebel yang seingat saya tidaklah saya lalui, kerana kehidupan tanpa ibu memberi saya kebebasan untuk melakukan apa-apa sesuka hati sesedap rasa. Fasa hidup sendiri dan belajar berdikari kerana itu seolah-olah the ultimate regulation dalam keluarga saya. 

Saya tidak dikongkong. Pada ayah, cukuplah saya pandai menjaga diri. Cukuplah saya buktikan dengan pelajaran yang cemerlang dan masa cuti yang dihabiskan di rumah. Saya belajar berdikari lebih awal dari rakan-rakan seusia. Saya belajar mencari kepuasan tanpa meminta-minta pada keluarga. 

Saya bebas, tidak terikat dengan peraturan dan halangan keluarga. Saya belajar berdikari, membuat keputusan sendiri tanpa bergantung pada sesiapa. 

Dan akhirnya. 2009. Saya mengenal tarbiyyah. Secara berperingkat.

2009/2010. Tarbiyyah membahagiakan saya. Ukhwah menggembirakan saya. Bersemangat seolah-olah baru melihat dunia. Saya belajar untuk berubah sedikit demi sedikit.

2010/2011. Tarbiyyah masih menyentuh saya. Namun saya hilang seketika. Berkarat. Tarbiyyah menjadi rutin yang tidak membasahkan jiwa.

2011/2012. Allah menarik saya untuk mengenal kesilapan lantas saya cuba membetulkan diri. Saya merasai perasaan tenggelam selepas mengenali tarbiyyah, lantas saya tahu saya tidak akan mahu kembali merasainya.

2012/2013. Tarbiyyah mengajar saya berkorban tenaga dan masa. Letih dan penat, namun hilang disimbah kemanisan ukhwah Mumtahanah yang sentiasa menjana tenaga. 

Kini. 

Tarbiyyah seolah-olah mengikat saya. Mixed feelings. Bukan sikap saya meminta izin sebelum melakukan sesuatu yang saya suka, namun tarbiyyah mengajar saya untuk menghormati perasaan dan perancangan yang lebih utama. Bukan sikap saya menurut kata bila hati membantah sekeras-kerasnya, namun tarbiyyah mengajar saya untuk berkorban rasa demi syurga idaman saya. 

Sacrificing the good for the greater good maybe?

Ada ketika, saya rasa seolah-olah saya terjerut. Terbelenggu. Perasaan ingin memberontak yang belum pernah saya rasa terhadap ibu atau bapa mula bermain-main di dalam kepala. Ingin memberontak pada siapa? Allah? Astaghfirullah.

Saya sakit. Menangis sendiri. Menahan rasa yang hanya Allah mampu memahami. Dan saya tahu untuk terus tsabat di jalan ini bukanlah sesuatu yang mudah hanya kerana kita menginginkannya. Ramai yang berkeinginan ke syurga, namun tak semua yang kuat mampu menempuh jalan ke arahnya. Ramai yang mula melangkah, namun tewas dek perasaan dan keinginan sendiri yang enggan dikorbankan. Jalan ini menuntut pengorbanan. Masa kita. Harta kita. Perasaan kita. Keinginan kita. Dan akhirnya mungkin juga bakal menuntut pengorbanan jiwa kita.

Namun untuk merasai syurga yang indah seindah indahnya, apalah sangat sedikit pengorbanan yang perlu kita lakukan?

Kata seorang akhawat, "Tarbiyyah itu mensucikan. Mensucikan niat dan tujuan kita dalam melakukan sesuatu kerana Allah. Mensucikan diri kita dari attachment dunia yang tidak membawa kita ke mana-mana."

Dan ujian itu bakal membawa kita ke salah satu di antara dua. Lulus, lalu darjat kita di sisi Allah ditingkatkan. Gagal, lalu terperosok di sudut kefuturan sehingga satu saat Allah memberi kesedaran. Itupun kalau sempat disedarkan. Kalau sempat.