"Setiap yang bernyawa akan merasakan mati. Kami akan menguji kamu dengan keburukan dan kebaikan sebagai cubaan. Dan kamu akan dikembalikan hanya kepada kami."-21"35
Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.
Sesungguhnya Kau sahaja yang Maha Mengetahui betapa celarunya aku saat ini. Untuk meniggalkan Jahiliyyah bukanlah sesuatu yang mampu aku lakukan dengan rasa bangga, kerana Jahiliyyah itu sendiri bukanlah sesuatu yang aku bangga-banggakan.
Namun, aku yakin dengan kedudukan-Mu di sisiku. Niatku kini, aku ikhlaskan kerana-Mu ya Allah. Kau yang mendatangkan rasa gelisah ini, dan hanya Kau yang berkuasa untuk menariknya kembali.
Aku mahu menjadi sekuat hamba-Mu Umar al-Khattab; yang mampu meninggalkan jahiliyyah dan menjadi seorang manusia hebat dalam perjuangan menegakkan agama-Mu.
Ya Allah, tiada dugaan ini menimpaku saat ini melainkan kerana Engkau Maha Mengetahui bahawa aku mampu mengatasinya. Keyakinanku bersama setiap aturan-Mu yang maha sempurna. Kecintaanku bersama kasih sayang-Mu yang tiada tara. Ketenanganku bersama keberadaan-Mu di sisi setiap hamba di atas dunia. Kegembiraanku bersama keredhaan-Mu atas setiap tindakan aku sebagai seorang hamba.
Sesungghnya, hanya dengan mengingati Engkau jiwa ini mampu merasa ketenangan yang hakiki.
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.
It's May 18th today, 5.34am.
I have a Biochemistry exam this Friday. Do pray with me, please. May Allah ease the burden along the way, and may Allah make us stronger.
I should be studying right now, but I am a bit sleepy, since caffeine doesn't give any affect to me anymore nowadays. No matter how many caffeine I take, I'd still end up sleeping. To think back, why would I wanna fight against sunnatullah? He didn't create the night so that we can work just like during the days, did he? Fadh shared two verses from Quran (28:71 and 72), where Allah asked what if He made either the day or the night perpetual to us until the Day of Judgement? These kind of verses, do make me think. Allah didn't do something without purpose, and it is our own choice either to spend a minute or two thinking about it, or just to let it pass.
I was reading the story of Zulkarnain in the al-Quran when I found this verses;
"Say: "Shall we tell you of those who lose most in respect of their deeds?- "
"Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life, while they thought that they were acquiring good by their works?"
Us, the human beings; how many hours of the day do we spend thinking about the akhirat? I started the day waking up to perform my Subuh prayer (may Allah accept our ibadah). And the next thing I would be thinking about was classes, breakfast and exams. Sometimes, I felt ashamed of myself for I prioritized the need of my own tummy, rather than the need of my own soul. T_T
Kak Nana once asked this question to us; "What do you wanna do once you are in heaven later?"
Ugh, I can't even stop smiling to myself. Too many things that I wanna do. Not knowing if I will be one of the chosen ones who will get into the heaven without having to enter the hell first (nauzubillah), but yeah, it doesn't stop me from dreaming. I wanna sleep on my mother's lap. I wanna play with those beautiful dogs that I've been seeing each day. I wanna laugh with my friends. I can do whatever I want once I'm there. All i need is a little patient. Just a little more.
"Maka apabila langit telah terbelah dan menjadi merah mawar seperti (kilauan) minyak. Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful
3rd May 2011.
I was organizing my desktop just now, and deleting some unimportant stuffs in the laptop when I found this. I have no idea on when did I write this, but I feel like sharing it here. My own life story, so that whenever I read this again, it will remind me on how much my father means to me. Don't read if you don't feel like reading, after all..it's all about me and myself.
I cried when I first admitted that I grew up in a broken family. So, if anyone ever happens to read this, this is a part of my life story.
What best, is what Allah has chosen for us. Allah let me be the way I am right now, because that’s the best for me. Sometimes, I was too blind to see the reasons and wisdoms of everything that has happened around me. I was too absorbed with the worldly materials that I forgot all of those will not help me in facing the life hereafter.
Allah even reminds us in Al-Quran, that family and wealth can also be the enemies to us, because there were times when we love those things more than we love Allah and Islam. Nauzubillah. Sometimes, we don’t even realise that. We overlooked those tiny things. But Allah takes account of everything. Allah explains everything in Al-Zalzalah, clearly. Allah knows best what we know not. Allah knows us better than ourselves, for Allah is our creator, and Allah is even nearer to us than our own jugular vein!
As for me, I have no right to ponder upon my own life. I have not the slightest right to question everything that has been happening to me. I am not even in the right position to compare myself with everyone else around me. For I am who I am, I am whom Allah has made me into. My life is my journey. Allah has His reasons for making things this way, not that way. It’s just that we sometimes are too lazy to look deeper.
I’ve read somewhere, that there is no coincidence in life, because everything happens for a reason. Coincidences are just reasons made by human beings to reject the fact that things happen because of fate, because Allah made it that way. And there are no coincidences that I happened to be the way I am right now. It is absolutely because Allah wants me to be this way.
I cried today. I haven’t called home for nearly a month. I called last Sunday, and I heard my father’s voice. It was just; I didn’t have the guts to talk to him. I listened to him saying hello over and over. Listening to the creaky voice of his, I was touched. Even though he didn’t hear anything from the other side of the phone, he refused to just ignore the call. He was afraid that I might be on the other side struggling to make the line clearer. He waited patiently, hoping to hear my voice.
My father is not a man of words. Well, whose father is anyway? Fathers always show their love through their action. Not even once I’ve heard him saying that he loves and misses me. Never. But, I can feel his love through his action. You tell me, which children will not feel touched and sad when your own father has to go borrowing some money because you wanted to buy a laptop?
My father is a man of pride. He studied only until standard two. But he taught his children never to rely upon others. He taught us to be independent. He taught us never to expect anything in return when you offer a help. A good father was thought to always be there for their children. Despite the fact, I’ll be more than happy to say that my father was never there for me.
When my mother passed away, it was my aunties and cousins that consoled me, not my father. When I had to choose between two vital choices of life, my father didn’t even offer an opinion, I was left alone to make the choices myself. When I got the first place in the mid-term exam, everyone’s parents came to see their children receiving presents from the Sultan of Kedah, but not my father. When I succeed with 10 A’s in SPM, I celebrated it with my friends, because my father went working. When I needed to finish all the preparations for furthering studies overseas, I did it myself, not even once my father was there with me to help scanning through all the forms.
He was never there for me. He’s not that typical type of father, which actually made me into an untypical type of daughter. To be honest, sometimes I did question his way of growing us up. Nevertheless, if he was just like everyone else’s father, I will grow up being just like everyone else.
Because of him, I became sensitive. Because of him, I became emotional. Because of him, I only knew to express my anger and sorrow through tears. Because of him, I looked at the world in a negative point of view. Because of him, I learnt not to expect more from other people. Because of him, I am this current Narshiela Saad.
My father might not be there for me physically, but in his prayers I know I am absolutely included. I became sensitive, emotional and I cried even in the stupid and silly situations. Because of that, I used not to rely on others. I solved my own problems. I understand one’s hardship more than most people. I developed empathy in myself. I learnt to help people with everything I might. I became sensitive regarding family issues, which made me develop a level of self-respect towards people’s mothers and fathers. I am not used to sharing problems with friends or people around me. I learnt to be dependent only to Allah, the One and Only who can help me through all the hardships and challenges.
I even looked at the world in a negative point of view. I became cautious and even prejudice sometimes. I am not used to believing people easily. Because of that, I learnt to work hard for my own personal gain. I believe in the concept of reap and sow. I believe in the concept of good and bad. I believe in the concept of heaven and hell. I learnt to prioritize my needs over my own interests.
To quote one of Hlovate’s character’s saying in one of her novel, “I am not those kind of typical girls, who love make-ups, self-beauty, flowers, pinks and shopping.”
I am one weak and ordinary girl on the outside. Inside, I am more that what meets the eye. My father was never there for me, because he puts the whole trust in his daughter. He knew I will survive wherever I was thrown to. He trusted me, and I honoured that. He let me choose my own path of life. He taught me to use my own strength to stand up whenever I fell down. He taught me to blame no one but myself for my own misdeed. He taught me to appreciate every opportunities that came around. He was, is and forever will be the greatest father for he taught me things that only by exploring and enjoying life, I could treasure them.
He taught me to appreciate. He taught me to rely upon no one but Allah. He taught me the most precious lesson. He taught me to believe that Allah makes things happen for a reason. He taught me not to regret, not to look back, not to question and accept everything the way there are. He is my father, one and only. Thank you Allah, for letting me be his daughter.
Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani, juga Tuhan yang Maha Pengampun. Tuhan yang Maha Keras seksaan-Nya, namun Tuhan yang sangat mencintai hamba-hamba-Nya.
Hari ni 3 Mei 2011, 29 Jamadilawwal 1432.
Selamat hari ulang tahun yang ke-21 buat sahabat yg sangat aku cinta, Fathi Nadirah Jamlus. Sahabat yang jauh dari mata, namun tetap dekat pada hati. Semoga Allah mencintaimu, semoga urusan hidupmu dipermudahkan, semoga ditempatkan bersama mereka yg beriman di sisi Allah kelak.
Pasang ni, pastu baru sambung baca. ^^
Sifat seorang manusia. Mereka lupa. Mereka lalai. Mereka alpa. Mereka futur. Dan mereka berbuat dosa.
Dan aku seorang manusia. Aku juga lupa, lalai, alpa, futur dan aku berbuat dosa. Astaghfirullahalazhim. Rasa terkena dengan diri sendiri saat Hadith 27 menjengah ingatan secara tiba-tiba.
"Daripada Nawas bin Saman r.a. Nabi s.a.w. bersabda, 'Kebajikan itu adalah budi pekerti yang baik, dan dosa itu adalah sesuatu yang menggelisahkan perasaanmu dan yang kamu tidak suka bila dilihat orang lain.'"- HR Muslim.
That was how I exactly felt. Takutnya kalau orang lain tahu. Kadang2 orang cakap pasal benda lain, tapi tiba2 hati yg dah sedia gelisah tu akan terasa dan akan buat assumptions sendiri. Rasa nak menangis, tapi tak ada air mata yg nak keluar. Rasa tak tahu kat mana nak sembunyi, lari ke mana pun malaikat yg dua di kiri dan kanan akan tetap mengikut. Sembunyi celah mana pun, Allah itu tetap sifatnya Maha Melihat. Rasa malu dengan Allah. Rasa malu nak bertaubat, entah Allah terima atau tidak. Rasa malu nak meminta pada Allah untuk mengampunkan dosa. Rasa malu dgn diri sendiri yg sanggup melakukan dosa, entah kat mana akal fikiran yg waras aku letak masa melakukan dosa tu.
Tapi, cinta Allah tu maha hebat, mana boleh nak disamatarafkan dengan cinta manusia yang penuh emosi.
"Daripada Anas bin Malik r.a. berkata, aku emndengar Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda, 'Allah s.w.t. berfirman, "Wahai anak Adam, sepanjang kamu memohon kepada-Ku dan berharap kepada-Ku akan Aku ampuni apa yang telah kamu lakukan, Aku tidak peduli. Wahai anak Adam, jika dosa-dosamu setinggi awan di langit kemudian kamu memohon keampunan kepada-Ku akan Aku ampuni. Wahai anak Adam, sesungguhnya jika kamu datang kepada-Ku membawa kesalahan sebesar dunia kemudian kamu datang kepada-Ku tanpa menyekutukan Aku dengan sesuatu pun, pasti Aku akan datang kepadamu dengan keampunan sebesar itu pula.""- HR Tirmidzi
Kita susah untuk memaafkan kesalahan seorang manusia. Kalaupun kita memaafkan, kadang kala kita susah untuk melupakan perbuatan tu. Walau hati sudah memaafkan dan meredhai, tetap juga ambil masa untuk melupakan. Tapi, Allah?
Aku tahu satu fitrah untuk manusia untuk rasa dicintai dan mencintai. Tapi, janganlah mencari cinta manusia semata-mata kerana merasakan hidup kita sepi dari rasa cinta. Cinta Allah itulah yang paling hebat. Cinta seorang Tuan terhadap hamba-hanba-Nya yang tak mungkin dapat dinilai dengan apa sekalipun.
Perlukah lagi kita cinta seorang manusia kalau Allah tidak mencintai kita? Mahukah lagi kita cinta seorang manusia kalau Allah sudah memalingkan wajah dari kita?
Aku mahu kejar cinta itu. At one point, aku tersungkur, tapi aku akan terus bangkit. Selagi aku masih bernafas, aku mahu kejar cinta Allah. Aku mahu kejar cinta suci itu sehingga satu saat aku mampu berhadapan dengan-Nya dengan rasa bangga sambil berkata, "Akulah hamba-Mu yang kerap mengejar cinta-Mu."
Aku manusia biasa yang tidak akan lepas dari berbuat dosa. Namun aku juga manusia luar biasa yang punya Allah sebagai kekuatan. Aku manusia luar biasa yang sekadar bergantung terhadap kuasa dan ketentuan Dia. Aku manusia luar biasa yang menjunjung tinggi agama-Nya di tengah2 lautan manusia yang kebanyakannya hanyut dalam syurga dunia.
Aku ada mereka, yang sentiasa memimpin aku. Dan aku ada Dia, yang sentiasa menunjukkan aku jalan untuk mendekati-Nya. Dan aku juga ada kalian, yang akan bersama aku berjuang di jalan ini...
"Katakanlah, "Wahai hamba-hamba-Ku yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."-39:53
