#258

Hello. Hi.

I hate to be someone who is overdiagnosing one's self. Some people tend to exaggerate symptoms to gain sympathy - it is not wrong in my opinion, sometimes it was done subconsciously rather than actively looking for reactions. Sometimes it is just our own way of defensive mechanism.

For the past 2 or 3 days, I couldn't really get myself over the thought that if not a lot, maybe I am a liiiiitle sick in the head. Of all the psychiatric disorders that I know, I think I relate the most to bipolar disorder. I am not straight out depressive. I don't feel sad or gloomy all the time - sometimes I do. But there are also moments when I was more expressive and excited than I usually am on normal mundane days.

A few nights ago, I was being giddy over a dream of travelling somewhere and Tinesh said, "Why are you being so excited in the middle of the night?" That's just who I am. I sometimes got stuck over a topic, got excited over it and couldn't stop talking about it regardless of the time of the day it happened. Of all people around me, Tinesh might see me most in my phases of being either depressive or manic. When I am in my pessimist mode, he will then be bombarded with insecure questions and many self depreciating moments by yours truly

I will not say I am like someone who has fullblown bipolar disorder, there are degrees in every disease - mild, moderate, severe. Mine would be mild I believe, if I have it at all. Maybe I am just reading too much into things, making something out of nothing, but I'd like to believe that nowadays I am able to see myself more objectively. There is nothing wrong about having some loose screws up in your head I guess, as long as it is not downright harmful? I am still a functional part of the society, and even if I am making things up that I don't have, believing that I do actually have it made me more conscious about the way I take care of my feelings and myself. Am I even making sense right now?

By the way, I tried taking one of the many quizzes floating all over Internet about this disorder and what it says about myself - the result being that I showed moderate indication of bipolar disorder. It's not diagnostic, just a screening test that might help people to look further inside themselves and search for help if needed.

Our society I believe isn't one that is yet fully accepting of mental health disorders. Sometimes we just like to label it as something else - Malas. Gila. Kuat perasan. Kuat gelabah. Attention seeker. Lemah etc. But I hope those people who do have those disorders heal. Not cured, but healed. Acceptance of one's illness is also a road towards healing. It should not be a taboo subject. It is just something that is not widely acknowledged in our society hence it was being underdiagnosed. 

Maybe next time, when I am in the mood, I would like to write about another so-called taboo subject - abuse. Not promising anything because I need to be in a certain mood to talk about it, because what I am talking about are mostly personal experiences. I am not trying actively to change people or make the world a better place by writing, I am simply sharing things in hope someone would care enough to read, even if no one does, I am simply writing to get it out of my system and make myself a little better.

Be safe people. COVID cases are increasing again. Take care of yourself. And I hope the day will come when we will be able to embrace our inner selves fully.