#259

It's already my sleeping time, but here I am in front of my laptop. Waiting for someone who asked me to wait for 10 minutes - 45 minutes ago. 

I have nothing to write about, I just felt this sudden figurative itchiness that couldn't seem to go away if I didn't start writing. I realized one thing about myself - well, actually this is a general knowledge that apply to everyone as well. People write what they read. I haven't been able to write that frequently or at all for the past few years; of course I attributed the main reason to being busy from working, but at the same time it's also because I haven't been able to read a lot. I spent most of the times seeking entertainment in the shape of movies or dramas. I don't really have nothing to write about - besides some short captions on FB or IG once in a while.

But now I have been reading - nothing mind blowing or life changing though. It somehow made me ease back into reading and writing in English. To actually have the itch to write is something I welcome happily, it's not everyday I have such itch. It hasn't been there for the past 5 years at least.

Now that I think I'm starting to write again (not promising how long this might last, it might just be a temporary manic phase or something like that), I'm going to write a lot of gibberish in here. Sometimes there might just be jumble of words with no points but I kind of not care, as long as I'm writing. I could be typing down the ABCs for all I care and I would be happy that I was able to just write. 

I have a lot of ideas of what I want to write about, I hope I would be able to find the time and the mood to actually do it. There are no words that can easily explain or express what I am feeling now, I just have sudden rush of energy to do things (again, might just be me in my manic phase) - and currently it is writing. I feel like my heart is swelling inside my ribcage and to keep it under control, I have to write and let at least a speck of my feelings out in the open. 

Characteristically, I have changed a lot. Those who knew me before Bintulu happened will not recognize me now. Not that I am in touch with most of them anyway. But recently, it annoyed me so much when a friend back then insinuated that I am still childish and cried easily. If anything I am more volatile nowadays, and I don't just accept things said about me that I find wrong or irritating. But of course, the friend wasn't at fault, I was childish and cried easily back then, now I couldn't remember the last time I got emotional and cried. I still get emotional, but I just don't cry anymore - unless when I'm watching sad movies or reading sad stories. 

Who said life took a better turn for me? Life was still hard, and I was hardened. Life is still shitty, I just don't give a shit about it as much as I did before. Life is still hard, but I learnt how to work around it and make it count somehow. 

It's really late for an old woman like me to still be awake at this hour. I'd wake up cranky tomorrow. I'll sleep now. 

Sleep well people. Whatever you are facing, do not lose sleep over it. Sleep is a mean of escape from your shitty reality - take this piece of advise from a notorious escapist a.k.a me.