#244

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

My bestfriend might be getting married. Well, I have a lot of friends that I consider bestfriend, and one of them might be getting married.

Two things that keep getting tugged on my heart:

1. She, like me, never really has anyone who is a potential spouse in life. Crushes, we do have. But she, like me, was never really in a serious relationship with anyone. Suddenly there is a guy who came into the picture, out of nowhere. I wasn't able to recover yet from the shock of someone coming into her life so sudden, and now she might even be getting married to that man. Double the shock.

2. She was so similar to me that I consider her the other me. One of my other bestfriends said something like this about the three of us; despite being 25, I don't feel pressured when people our age are getting married. But I might feel pressured when one of us is getting married. Well, not that I am pressured, but I think I will lose her as a bestfriend once she gets married. A part of me is getting married, how can I not?

I am sad over such an exciting news, I would be a bitch if I tell her all this, right?

#243 - 59 days to maturity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. 

So I'm trying again, for the nth time to restart blogging. First of all, pay no attention to the title. It is just my stupid countdown towards something that may somehow determine my wordly status, though my maturity level may have no affect at all.

A little update about myself; six years as a medical student has just ended early this month. I am currently waiting for my graduation in June. As desperate as I am for prayers and warm wishes from everyone, I hope no one would call me "Doctor". Yet. That title carries such a big responsibility that I would like to be free from the burden at least until my graduation day. Yes. I am in such a denial, but these few last months in Poland, I would love to savor it, create as much memories as I could, and leave this country that I've grown fond of without regrets.

One of the many things that I love about Poland is its public transport. It is so easy to go to Warsaw, about 126km away by train, that I've been going there almost every week. Pictures uploaded here are the pictures I just took at Lodz Widzew, the nearest train station to my house (only 10 minutes by bus). Trains, I think is one of the main public transports across Europe, hence explaining its comfortability, its affordability, its wide accessibility though sometimes it can also be a tad too expensive. Poland made me fall in love with trains. I am not sure how it works in Malaysia, but trains will always be my main mode of transport if I am to travel around Europe (excluding money as a variable).

I wish Malaysia could be like this in term of public transportations. It does not only concentrate on the city centres, but there are also easy acesses to public transports in small towns and villages. Of course, there are many who own cars in Malaysia, but there are just as many people who do not. I grew up having to depend on public transports and how amusing it is that since I was a primary school student up to now (about 15 years), there has not been much improvements in the system in the state I live in. Things that have changed are just the bus companies, the price of bus tickets and they printed the tickets now instead of bus conductors going around passing tickets. I just hope it would be more efficient, more frequent and it would cover more routes.

Well, this isn't how I imagined my comeback post would look like. But, it seems like a reflection from my heart. I am one of the many people in the world who use public transports, not only need them but also love riding on them. I will be greatly disappointed if my way of experiencing freedom is blocked by some people who think more about being recognized by the world instead of satisfying the citizen's needs.

#242

In the name of Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

Winter is my least favorite season, but since this may be my last winter in Poland, I get sentimental somehow. I always am that kind of girl, getting sentimental and emotional even with the littlest thing.

One question that I have been wondering; why is winter night so bright? It gets dark like usual when the sun sets around 5pm, but when it gets to 9pm and above, the sky doesn't get pitch dark. It turns bright and orange. Is it only due to light pollution?

Sometimes, the hardest things in life is the simplest one. Like..a simple question that is very hard to answer. For example, "Are you happy with your life now?"

It was a question I have no exact answer to. The answer always depends on my mood. What about you? Are you happy with your life? 

#241 apa pencapaian aku?

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.

Lebih setengah tahun blog ini menyepi, dan hari ini, insyaAllah dihidupkan kembali. Kerana walaupun tanpa pembaca, aku mahu menyampaikan. Apa yang aku rasa, aku mahu luahkan semua. Blog ini adalah saksi jatuh bangun seorang aku. Sejak zaman belia remaja sehingga hampir mencecah suku abad saat ini, blog ini merakamkan setiap detik itu. 

Hari ini aku menangis membaca tinta seorang bakal ibu untuk anaknya yang bakal lahir. Betapa manusia itu sentiasa berubah. Rugilah mereka yang ditinggalkan arus kehidupan yang sentiasa bergerak ke hadapan. Perjalanan kehidupan itu maha pendek. Entahkan hari ini, entahkan esok lusa, bila-bila saja Tuhan berkuasa menarik nyawa. Lalu, kebelakangan ini sering aku bertanyakan kepada diri sendiri, apa pencapaian aku?

Jika aku mati hari ini, apa yang akan diingati tentang aku hanyalah dia yang sedang belajar di luar negara. 

Saat ini, aku masih belum menjadi seorang doktor. Saat ini, pendidikan tertinggi aku hanyalah sekeping sijil SPM yang aku terima tujuh tahun lalu. 

Saat ini, aku masih seorang perempuan bujang yang bakal mencecah usia 25. Saat ini, aku masih seperti aku tujuh tahun dahulu, bujang dan bahagia tanpa sulit memikirkan hal ehwal lelaki, cinta dan perkahwinan.

Jika aku mati tujuh tahun lalu, perasaannya mungkin sama sepertimana aku yang mati hari ini. Pencapaian aku hari ini tidak ada beza dengan pencapaian aku tujuh tahun lalu.

Tujuh tahun ini, apa yang aku lakukan dengan kehidupan ini? Sudahkah aku mempersiapkan diri untuk mati? Sudahkah aku bertungkus-lumus berusaha untuk berbakti?

Tujuh tahun ini, yang membezakan aku dengan aku yang dulu hanyalah secebis hidayah. Tujuh tahun lalu, aku buta. Saat ini, aku mampu melihat dari kaca mata yang sebenarnya. Tujuh tahun lalu, aku hanya mahu memperoleh dunia. Saat ini, aku menginginkan sekaligus akhirat di samping dunia. Jika aku bersungguh-sungguh. Jika aku benar-benar menggunakan secebis hidayah itu.

Jika aku masih memilih dunia saat ini setelah dicelikkan mata oleh Allah, maka aku yang hari ni malah lebih hina daripada aku tujuh tahun lalu. Allahu. Semoga dijauhkan Allah.

Peringatan untuk penulis yang sentiasa perlu diingatkan berulang-ulang kali.

#240 Expectations

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

They say; start the day with something sweet and end it with something sweeter. I am trying to live by it, though more often than ever I tripped myself and fell. I missed how I used to write a lot without having a pause, because the idea just kept coming. Somehow, that time seems like ages ago. Eheh.

Anyway. I am here today after a while because of expectations. I was reminded of an incident, maybe eight years ago? I used to text a friend. Wanting to be perfect in front of him, I always thought very carefully before saying or writing anything to him. And one day, texting him made me realized that, although of the same age, we have this very huge gap of ways of thinking. My daily conversation with my girlfriends was about novels, dramas, boys and for me it was completely normal. While what he thought, texted and talked about was something that I wasn't used to, like the current issues of the country. I thought he was just more mature than he should be. However, it turned out that it was me, who didn't grow up fulfilling the expectation of the world.

Expectations. I am not talking about what our parents' expectations are of us, or what our expectations are of ourselves. This is about the the world's, the norm's expectations of us. Like..by the age of eight, you should have already known how to solve simple mathematics. By the age of eighteen, the country's issues should be included in your daily conversation. This kind of expectation. Ugh, why am I having the feeling that no one will really get what I am saying now? >.<

I am somehow bothered by this expectation again. At the age of 24. The world's expectation for a 24-year-old would be; graduating, working, getting married, buying a car or even a house. A friend shared this article; 25 Things Every Woman Should Have By The Time She Turns 25

Now tell me how am I not thinking about this expectation? I don't even know whether this is a good thing or not; knowing there's so much more to fulfill should give us the drive to work harder to fulfill them. But at the same time, knowing others your age have fulfilled them yet you are still the one trying...

Okay. 

But, living in your own unique way, isn't that also nice? Well, this might sound rebellious. But just because the world is like that, should we become that way as well? Who made the rule that to be successful you need to have a piece of paper called degree? Well, it may help but it doesn't mean those without it aren't successful.

This is the problem of the world. We measure people's success by how much money they make. We think someone should be respected when they graduated from prestigious colleges. We measure people superficially. Those superficial qualifications matter, but they are not what matter most.

"O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you people and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed the most nobel of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted."

"Wahai manusia! Sungguh, Kami telah menciptakan kamu dari seorang laki-laki dan seorang perempuan, kemudian Kami jadikan kamu berbangsa-bangsa dan bersuku-suku agar kamu saling mengenal. Sungguh, yang paling mulia di antara kamu di sisi Allah ialah orang yang paling bertakwa. Sungguh, Allah Maha Mengetahui, Maha Teliti."

49:13

What are people's expectations, or the world's expectations if Allah doesn't even count any of them?

So yeah Shiela. Don't be depressed seeing your friends moving forward faster than you. Do your best in whatever given to you, and the priority is not for the world to acknowledge you, but Allah. InsyaAllah.