Best rupanya rasa happy tu kan. Lama dah tak rasa happy macam ni. Bila sekali rasa tu, macam nak jerit bagitau semua orang yg ak sayang semua. Ahaha...

I've decided to let go. Let go the feeling that i've been holding so tightly for almost four years. Bukan before ni tak terfikir nak lepaskan, tapi baru sekarang rasanya I managed to gather the courage. Nak jadi macam Wani. Lepaskan yang lama, bukak peluang pada yg baru. Memang masa la the best healer even aku pun tak tahu how long will it take to heal completely. Tapi, as a start, aku akan cuba buat.

Aish, jiwang jiwang! Tak suka la mushy2 macam ni. Hee~ Brighten up, InsyaAllah, hidup ni panjang lagi kan. Ini baru permulaan. InsyaAllah. Melangkah la dgn yakin. Mulakan dgn mengingati nama-Nya. InsyaAllah, Shiela. Allah tu kan ada. (^_^)

A start

People need changes. So do I. Tu sebab blog ni ditukar layout jadi macam ni. Shiela banyak merepek. Shiela banyak merapu. Dan Shiela determines to change that. Merapu takkan bagi Shiela pass test Anatomy. Merepek takkan buat pak dekat Malaysia bangga dgn anak dia ni. So Shiela berazam nak berubah. Tapi not that I'm going to do that drastically. Sikit demi sikit. Things also change. Banyak benda yg bukan macam dulu dah. Dan Shiela perlu belajar untuk jadi flexible dgn keadaan. tekanan dari persekitaran. Manage that.

...LiVinG...

Ampun Fasha. Mmg ak janji nak upload gambar kan. Tapi malas la sekarang. Nanti2 la eh. Hee~

Selalu jugak terfikir kawan2 kat India. Rasa alangkah bahagianya kalau aku pun kat India. Kawan ramai, seniors ada, makanan halal senang, dgn Malaysia pun dkt la sikit compared to here. Yg plg penting pembelajaran dia. Fuh, tiap2 minggu dissection kot! Sapa tak mau kan?

Tapi bila fikir2 balik kan, learning from books ni just a part of life je. Kat mana2 pun blh belajar. Ilmu Allah tu merata2, sgt banyak, Allah cakap dah mcm tu kat dlm surah Luqman kan. Tinggal kita je nak usaha nak cari. Which means though ak rasa cam rugi la sikit aku belajar kat sini, sbb ak might not gain the same thing as theirs, tapi, ada jugak benda yg ak dpt dorang takkan dapat, kan?

Sebab life is not only about learning. Life is about living. Life is about experiencing. Life is about choosing. Life is about chances! Aku dtg sini. Allah tetapkan aku utk jadi antara 4 student bertuah dr Malaysia sbg pioneer kat sini. Ada sebabnya. Mungkin aku tak cukup kuat. Allah nak aku belajar survive. Allah nak aku jadik tougher. Allah nak bg aku peluang tgk the outside of Malaysia. Allah nak aku tgk budaya non-Muslim. So that aku akan compare. So that aku akan bersyukur. Aku dilahirkan dalam Islam dan masih kekal sbg Islam. Alhamdulillah. So that aku belajar kawal diri. So that aku belajar utk cuba tak terpengaruh. Sungguh la, aku mintak jauh dr semua tu.

This is my road not taken. This is one path yg bukan ramai akan lalui. Dan Allah pilih aku utk jadi one of the lucky. Aku tak mungkin dapat lari dari fitrah sebenar diri aku. Aku perempuan. Aku perempuan yg manja. Aku perempuan manja yg suka explore tpt baru. Aku perempuan manja yg diberi peluang utk explore tpt ni sepuas hati aku. Dan aku akan guna peluang tu sebaik mungkin. InsyaAllah.

Dear Mr Whoever

For those who keep reading, thanks. For those who do not care, also thanks. I appreciated your constant visit here; especially Kak Ili. You seem so far away, yet you are always close to heart. I can assure you that even if noone reads my words, I am still going to write. I'm not a writer after all, who writes so that people can read, who writes by creating a whole imaginary world. I'm just an ordinary person, who lives her life and sometimes needs to throw out and spill. And here, she found the spaces, and she will keep writing about her life, her feelings and her thoughts. No-Matter-What.

Seharian tak jumpa Wani. Sangat rindu dia. Especially bila aku perlukan dia. Bukannya dia tak warning awal2 yg dia akan jarang online. Tapi still berharap yang she'll manage to connect to the Internet somehow. Sangat rindu my Phoebe. Whoever reads Hlovate's 5 Tahun 5 Bulan will know who is Yaya to Johanna. And Wani is my Yaya. She's my bestfriend. She's there in my ups and downs. And I tried my best to be there in her ups and downs too. We share secrets. We share dreams. We share histories. As if our life will always be intertwined. I need her as mush as she needs me. I just know.

What makes kita rapat dgn someone tu? Chemistry? Similarity? Comfortability? The three things have their own contributions in my relationship dgn Zatil. Again, if I am 5 Tahun 5 Bulan's Johanna, she's definitely going to be Jebat. Inspite of the different gender, Zatil sangat2 similar dgn Jebat. Kawan yg aku blh buat melalut. Kawan yg aku blh buat teman belajar. Kawan yg takkan pernah kisah dan sensitif utk dgr pandangan dan pendapat aku. Kawan yg aku blh refer to bila ada something in mind. Kawan yg seems not really connected, but somehow aku tahu yg she cares and loves me the way I am.

Lelaki dan perempuan. Boleh ke nak jadi kawan baik? Orang cakap one of them mesti takkan dapat keep on track. Mesti akan tersungkur jatuh. But do I care? Nasir buat aku rasa dihargai. Dia layan aku sebagaimana a friend should treat a friend. Dia buat aku rasa dilindungi. Dan aku takkan tipu diri aku sendiri. Aku sayang dia. Aku sayang dia macam aku sayang Zatil and Wani. Dia percaya aku. Dan aku takkan betray kepercayaan tu. Sungguh, aku rindu dia hari ni. Even sebenarnya dia lagi muda dari aku, but he's my Abg Shah. Gurindam Jiwa's Abg Shah. Abg Shah to his Ju'a.

Apple. Nama ni just suddenly crossed my mind. He used to be the one I shared things a lot. If I am Rooftop Rant's Trisy, then he is Jade. Of course not in the wonderwall way, but the ranting thing. Aku blh tunjuk dia emosi sebenar aku. Aku menangis simply sebab dia tengah sedih. Aku gelak simply sebab dia happy. Dia bagi aku definisi sebenar seorang sahabat. You will always want the best for your sahabat. You will always want your sahabat to stay happy. A sahabat akan dengar sahabat dia merepek, sahabat dia menangis, sahabat dia gelak, sahabat dia jerit. A sahabat akan support sahabat dia, akan give opinions kat sahabat dia. A sahabat will stay by her/his sahabat's side no matter what.

Wani, I love you the way I love a sister. You are a part of me. I'm going to be broken without you.

Zatil, walk with me. Hold my hands. Stay by my side. I need your strength and courage along the way.

Nasir, I'm going to stand by you. Come hell or high water. I will never walk away. I promise.

Apple, get used to my constant presence. Get used to my shouts and tears and laughters. I'm not going anywhere else.

*sigh*

Salam. It's been a while since I last updated this blog. My own private blog has also been abandoned. Doesn't really sound like me. But now,here I am. Back-no idea for how long. *sigh*

Aku rindu Malaysia. Terasa dowh. Segala benda kat sini aku compare dengan Malaysia. No place like home~ Even orang tak tahu pun Malaysia tu kat ceruk mana, aku peduli apa. Yang penting, aku sayang Malaysia. Hee~ Sumpah aku tak tahu apa jadi kat Malaysia skang nih. Kalau kat Malaysia dulu pun aku jarang nak baca paper, jangan harap la aku mai sini hari2 aku nak bukak website Berita Harian. Nak harap berita TV3 jela. Tu pun sbb kat umah mmg wajib tgk berita pkul 8pm. *sigh*

Nak cakap tak pasal exam? Nak ke tak nak? Ada can tak bapak aku nak baca page ni? Confem la tak kan? Tapi tetap ada can abang aku terbukak dan terbaca post ni, pastu dgn bangganya dia pi bgtau kat pak. Tapi, dulu dia pun penah btau aku kan yg dia kena repeat?? In case la, kalau hg baca ni kan abang; "Anatomy is one fucking difficult subject!" *sigh*

Lima tahun aku kat Jenan, aku bukan la one person yg sangat2 semangat batch kan. Tapi bila aku kuar, aku baru sedar yg aku sgt rindu pd Jenan; especially Revo. Tapi to think again, sampai sekarang kalau aku ada masalah apa2, memang aku cari budak Revo to spill out. Untuk itu, Wani..thanks sangat2. Hg mmg bg satu impak besar dlm hidup aku. Zatil pun, selalu ada bila aku nak merapu. Padu and Tishu, entah la apsal, tapi aku sangat terhibur la merepek merapu menyakat dan disakat oleh hampa dua. Dan sangat rindu kat kawan2 kat Malaysia. Mashi especially, Nada mesti la kan.. Nasir pun... and Zul, u act like a big bro! hee.. and ramai lagi lahh!! Nak sebut sorang2 kat sini lenguh la aku nak menaip. But then, aku baru terfikir..yang aku tak boleh terlalu bergantung kpd sejarah kan. Revo was one of the best thing ever happened in my life, but it was still a past tense. I have to look ahead, aku dah tak ada masa nak turn back lagi dah,kan? Nak buat apa ni?? *sigh*

A statement from my friend's friend. Ahah.
"Ada perasaan pada seseorang tu pun dah kira salah."
Yeke? Tapi Allah jadikan kite berperasaan kan? Sedikit sebanyak mesti kita kan terpengaruh dgn perasaan tu jugak kan? And I don't think it's wrong. Unless la kalau kita salah gunakan perasaan tu. Speaking of salah gunakan perasaan ni, aku dah salah gunakan perasaan aku ke weh? Aku suka dia. Tapi aku tak bagitau dia. Tapi aku bagitau Wani, Zatil. Kiranya aku dah salah gunakan ke? Aku suka dia. Tapi aku tak pernah langsung berharap jodoh aku dengan dia. Tapi aku susah nak nafikan kewujudan dia. Kiranya aku dah salah gunakan perasaan aku ke? *sigh*

And now you are spending time talking about perasaan??? Hello Shiela! You have 21-pages of Anterolateral abdominal wall to finish before sunday okay. To think again; err, 21 pages?? Apa nak buat nehh? *sigh*