#262

Hi.

I don't exactly know what I want to write. My birthday passed and I am 32 now. What I learnt after being a year older is - I am not getting younger and healthier. I finally got sick, like really sick (in my understanding of sickness) I have to take a course of antibiotics. You see, I am proud of myself of the fact that I never really got sick before. Sure, 2 to 3 days of fever, but nothing that hinder me from going through my life like usual. But this time around, well at least I wasn't bedridden, but to be dependent on daily PPI for acute gastritis that I had never really experienced before is a new thing I can't get used to. And recurrent URTI that never really went away for the whole month until after I finally convinced myself to take antibiotics - something I never did since 13. I am really getting old.

At least it made me realize where I am now. My body is not like what it was before, and I shouldn't be taking it for granted.

The other thing is, sickness made me feel really lonely. I was fine living alone, in fact I love living alone, I thrive to live and be alone. But sickness made me feel so shitty for being alone. Sickness made me wish that there is someone by my side who would cook me porridge, rub my back and neck when I vomited out my whole lunch, took off my glasses when I slept with it still on, reminded me to take my medications on time and just be there checking up and caring for me you know. 

But at the age of 32, I kind of realize that that is a dream that might not ever see reality at all. Truthfully, since I was a teenager with raging hormones, I have always thought that I would never be married or tied to another person for life. I guess my teenage self just knew it. Deep down, even though I crave for it because that was just how we were created to feel, it will always be something out of my reach. 

I do not in any way know what future holds. But at 32, I am not actively looking for a partner. I wish I had one, but I guess I'm jaded now. I wish I had one, but I don't think having a partner will make me happier. I wish I had one, but who am I to blame that the one I wanted to be with will never be mine and maybe one experience is enough to last me a lifetime. 

#261

Hello. Hi.

Wow, hate to say this to myself, but see how hangat-hangat tahi ayam I was? I posted 5 entries from February to April then I disappeared for a total of 2 months. Typical me. I always had difficulties in finishing what I started. 

Tinesh used to say that I kept downgrading and badmouthing myself. Take this for example, I kind of had an excessive weight gain during my 3 years in Bintulu, so when I returned to Perlis, I was self-conscious that people will start commenting about my weight gain. So before people do exactly that and make me feel bad, I do that to myself first. Before people say "hey you seemed to have gained weight", I would first say "I have gained some weights for the past 3 years right?". 

I feel like it is some kind of defense mechanism, I don't want people to say things that might hurt me, so why not I say it first? I don't feel as hurt if I said it first so I think that's okay. But today when Tinesh pointed out that I have been downgrading myself, I wondered whether it is a good thing to do?

Okay I can't write a lot. I am in the middle of finishing my slide presentations when I just needed to distract myself for a while from it. This is an unplanned blog post with no meanings whatsoever except that I hated that I haven't been writing consistently for the past 2 months.

I'll be back. Sooner? Later? Not sure. Whenever I feel like it I guess.

If anyone happens to read this, I hope you have a good day. :)

#260

Hello. Hi.
Selamat berpuasa to those who are fasting. My first Ramadhan in Perlis after 3 years.

Puasa dekat Bintulu happened in a whim, so busy with works that the month just passed by so fast. Now in Perlis, I'm kind of on a long break so I get to fast and reflect a little on myself.

I always had this itch to write, I always had ideas on what to write, but guess what stopped me? My number one enemy, or -ies. Laziness and procrastination. I have a lot of unfinished drafts, had no idea when I will be finishing them.

March came and went by. I made a lot of memories and also lost a lot of money in March. Lol. I travelled to Perhentian Island with Tinesh one weekend, then went to Langkawi Island with Syafiqah the next weekend. I guess I am living my best life. Too bad this best life requires a lot of money. I'm not earning enough still.

But. I know it is a good thing to save money. It's a good thing to plan for your future. But I refuse to sacrifice my happiness in the present for my future. My priority as of now is my happiness and if it means spending a little more money than I should, then so be it. Why do I sound like a broken record though? It feels like I've been saying this same thing once upon a blog post, but I guess I'll just say it again as a reminder for myself.

I am eternally grateful that I am able to feel happiness. I am eternally grateful that I am able to be emotionally stable (most of the days). I am eternally grateful I am able to smile and laugh sincerely with people around me, and not faking them like I used to do before. I am eternally grateful that I am able to recognize this happiness and be grateful about it. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to travel around. I guess I did find my passion.

I'll come back again. I can see that it will be very soon. 

See my instagram for pictures in Perhentian and Langkawi. Eh seriously lah cantik sangat laut. Too lazy to upload the pictures here, maybe next time. 

#259

It's already my sleeping time, but here I am in front of my laptop. Waiting for someone who asked me to wait for 10 minutes - 45 minutes ago. 

I have nothing to write about, I just felt this sudden figurative itchiness that couldn't seem to go away if I didn't start writing. I realized one thing about myself - well, actually this is a general knowledge that apply to everyone as well. People write what they read. I haven't been able to write that frequently or at all for the past few years; of course I attributed the main reason to being busy from working, but at the same time it's also because I haven't been able to read a lot. I spent most of the times seeking entertainment in the shape of movies or dramas. I don't really have nothing to write about - besides some short captions on FB or IG once in a while.

But now I have been reading - nothing mind blowing or life changing though. It somehow made me ease back into reading and writing in English. To actually have the itch to write is something I welcome happily, it's not everyday I have such itch. It hasn't been there for the past 5 years at least.

Now that I think I'm starting to write again (not promising how long this might last, it might just be a temporary manic phase or something like that), I'm going to write a lot of gibberish in here. Sometimes there might just be jumble of words with no points but I kind of not care, as long as I'm writing. I could be typing down the ABCs for all I care and I would be happy that I was able to just write. 

I have a lot of ideas of what I want to write about, I hope I would be able to find the time and the mood to actually do it. There are no words that can easily explain or express what I am feeling now, I just have sudden rush of energy to do things (again, might just be me in my manic phase) - and currently it is writing. I feel like my heart is swelling inside my ribcage and to keep it under control, I have to write and let at least a speck of my feelings out in the open. 

Characteristically, I have changed a lot. Those who knew me before Bintulu happened will not recognize me now. Not that I am in touch with most of them anyway. But recently, it annoyed me so much when a friend back then insinuated that I am still childish and cried easily. If anything I am more volatile nowadays, and I don't just accept things said about me that I find wrong or irritating. But of course, the friend wasn't at fault, I was childish and cried easily back then, now I couldn't remember the last time I got emotional and cried. I still get emotional, but I just don't cry anymore - unless when I'm watching sad movies or reading sad stories. 

Who said life took a better turn for me? Life was still hard, and I was hardened. Life is still shitty, I just don't give a shit about it as much as I did before. Life is still hard, but I learnt how to work around it and make it count somehow. 

It's really late for an old woman like me to still be awake at this hour. I'd wake up cranky tomorrow. I'll sleep now. 

Sleep well people. Whatever you are facing, do not lose sleep over it. Sleep is a mean of escape from your shitty reality - take this piece of advise from a notorious escapist a.k.a me. 

#258

Hello. Hi.

I hate to be someone who is overdiagnosing one's self. Some people tend to exaggerate symptoms to gain sympathy - it is not wrong in my opinion, sometimes it was done subconsciously rather than actively looking for reactions. Sometimes it is just our own way of defensive mechanism.

For the past 2 or 3 days, I couldn't really get myself over the thought that if not a lot, maybe I am a liiiiitle sick in the head. Of all the psychiatric disorders that I know, I think I relate the most to bipolar disorder. I am not straight out depressive. I don't feel sad or gloomy all the time - sometimes I do. But there are also moments when I was more expressive and excited than I usually am on normal mundane days.

A few nights ago, I was being giddy over a dream of travelling somewhere and Tinesh said, "Why are you being so excited in the middle of the night?" That's just who I am. I sometimes got stuck over a topic, got excited over it and couldn't stop talking about it regardless of the time of the day it happened. Of all people around me, Tinesh might see me most in my phases of being either depressive or manic. When I am in my pessimist mode, he will then be bombarded with insecure questions and many self depreciating moments by yours truly

I will not say I am like someone who has fullblown bipolar disorder, there are degrees in every disease - mild, moderate, severe. Mine would be mild I believe, if I have it at all. Maybe I am just reading too much into things, making something out of nothing, but I'd like to believe that nowadays I am able to see myself more objectively. There is nothing wrong about having some loose screws up in your head I guess, as long as it is not downright harmful? I am still a functional part of the society, and even if I am making things up that I don't have, believing that I do actually have it made me more conscious about the way I take care of my feelings and myself. Am I even making sense right now?

By the way, I tried taking one of the many quizzes floating all over Internet about this disorder and what it says about myself - the result being that I showed moderate indication of bipolar disorder. It's not diagnostic, just a screening test that might help people to look further inside themselves and search for help if needed.

Our society I believe isn't one that is yet fully accepting of mental health disorders. Sometimes we just like to label it as something else - Malas. Gila. Kuat perasan. Kuat gelabah. Attention seeker. Lemah etc. But I hope those people who do have those disorders heal. Not cured, but healed. Acceptance of one's illness is also a road towards healing. It should not be a taboo subject. It is just something that is not widely acknowledged in our society hence it was being underdiagnosed. 

Maybe next time, when I am in the mood, I would like to write about another so-called taboo subject - abuse. Not promising anything because I need to be in a certain mood to talk about it, because what I am talking about are mostly personal experiences. I am not trying actively to change people or make the world a better place by writing, I am simply sharing things in hope someone would care enough to read, even if no one does, I am simply writing to get it out of my system and make myself a little better.

Be safe people. COVID cases are increasing again. Take care of yourself. And I hope the day will come when we will be able to embrace our inner selves fully.