#199

You know, if you are an avid Hlovate's reader, you'll figure out that most of the characters in his/her novels, at least underwent two different phases of life. First, the past which was usually based on the character's interests. Second, the better present which was the character's choice.

I am not a fictional character, though I think at some point of my life I did undergo those two phases. InsyaAllah and alhamdulillah, I am a better me, but right now I am reminiscing my past. Listening to a playlist of Linkin Park's songs (in youtube because I already deleted most of the songs and my mp3 and mp4 are officially dead now). 

Linkin Park was my past. I threw it away years ago, since high school. I shouldn't be digging every single thing that was in the past, but since I missed my mother tonight, I did feel like reminiscing the past for a while before I shut the door to those jahiliyyah tightly. 

Guess that I am still not a good Muslim. I couldn't really leave those things behind. There were times, that out of the blue I'll be missing it. It's like missing a person you are forbidden to miss. You hate it when you missed him/her, but it isn't something you can control. 

"If you can't beat those pious people in doing good deeds, then beat those sinners in saying astaghfirullahalazhim." A quote that I stumbled upon today, which I rephrase because I couldn't remember how was the real sentence structure.

I wish you are a phone call away, Mother. But it looks like..you are a prayer away. :) Let's pretend you are still here. Will I miss you right now? Will I love you the way I love you? I guess I will get tired of your nagging, because whatever a daughter does that is out of the sight of her mother, is wrong. Mothers will always be typical and predictable. Haha.

Random and...Linkin Park's Somewhere I Belong is playing. Out. 

#198

Did I write too much lately? I guess I did. 

Narshiela Saad. Ingat ni sampai bila-bila.

"Dijadikan terasa indah dalam pandangan manusia cinta terhadap apa yang diinginkan, berupa perempuan-perempuan, anak-anak, harta benda yang bertumpuk dalam bentuk emas dan perak, kuda pilihan, haiwan ternak dan sawah ladang. Itulah kesenangan hidup di dunia, dan di sisi Allah-lah tempat kembali yang baik." -3:14

Biasa untuk rasa suka pada orang-orang dan benda-benda atas dunia. Tapi jangan sekali-kali kau jadi hamba pada dunia. Jangan sekali-kali meletakkan dunia ke dalam hati. Jangan sekali-kali rasa sayang untuk melepaskan apa yang kau dapat di atas dunia. 

Yang paling baik itu, adalah janji Dia di sana. Nak syurga ke nak ringgit Malaysia? Nak neraka ke nak usaha lebih sikit tahan nafsu segala? Nak cinta yang kekal sampai ke syurga ke yang kekal sampai ke neraka? 

"Wahai jiwa yang tenang! Kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu dengan hati yang redha dan diredhai-Nya." -90:27,28

For sending me an Aida Naquiah tonight, I thank You. Now I know I have a lot of beautiful and great sahabats if I look around. You did tell me, right? I will definitely meet a lot of great friends as long as I keep walking on this path of DnT. :) Sweet sangat Allah ni. Tak habis-habis buat hamba-hamba Dia tersentuh dah makin terjatuh sayang pada Dia. 

#197-Losing isn't as bad as it sounds

My mother passed away when I was 11. 10 years passed. I got over it. I moved on. It was one of the saddest moments of my life, but I was able to live through it. But somehow, when one of my cousins passed away a week ago, Abang tweeted this. 

I always knew, that time is the crucial factor, we will be healed by the fear and sorrow of losing someone dear when time goes by. A few months after Mak passed away, I used to miss her a lot. I'd look at her pictures, hugging it to sleep while crying. And even today, I still missed her. There were times when I talked to myself, thinking how good it would be if Mak is still here. How different will I become if she is just a phone call away. 

How time has really matured me. I no longer cry whenever I missed her now, instead a smile will always accompany me. She's gone. She'll never be back into the world. But there will be this one day, when I'll go meet her there. I'll go to her place and God's willing, I'll be reunited with her and everyone else there. It isn't something to cry about, but it is something to work on. 

To whoever out there, who has already experienced the loss of someone so dear to you, one way or another we will have to move on. No matter how many deaths we've experienced, we will never get used to it. We will still cry, still feel sad. It's normal to stop for a while, but then be brave to say goodbye and move on. We will meet them eventually. We will definitely meet them again. 

They, who leave, can't do anything but wait..but we, who are left and still alive, we have absolute control on how we want the grand reunion with them to look like. Whether we want it to be in hell, or the opposite side of hell, we are still able to work on it. 

Allah won't give you anything that is going to be a burden to you. As long as you have faith in His words, in His plans..you'll definitely see how beautiful your life is. A life which is perfect beyond its own imperfections. 

No. I don't wish things to be different. I don't wish for Mak to still be alive. I wonder how life will be if she's alive, but she doesn't and I'd prefer it to be this way. Whatever happened in the past, was His most beautiful plan for me to be me. Allah, I wasn't a good Muslim, but You planned things perfectly, and I found You within myself. Let us lose the entire world even, if He's still inside us, it's as if we already own the universe.

Losing isn't as bad as it sounds. :) We have each other, right? Each of us was blessed to experience something like this which turned out to be our strength. To Abang. To Wani. To Nad. To Asiah. To everyone out there who know what loss means. It isn't really a loss, is it? We actually gained something others do not have the privilege to hold onto. :)                   

#196

Without even planning for it, this blog has been like a diary. Imagine myself in 30 years reading all the blog entries, the one when I talked about Sidney Sheldon and Harry Potter, reciting every single characters in the books. :D The one when I wrote about my housemates back in MSU. The one with pictures I took while finding some solace in solitude in a park. I love those entries I wrote in my first year the best! It was when I was first introduced to the real islam, when I felt like I was reborn into a muslim not just by name. And the one about my bestfriends. :)

This is another collection of my private nonsense entry. 

It's like...I missed the old me. Not the whole, but a portion of it. That me who used to blog frequently. That me who used to read a novel of 2-inches-thickness in a day. That me who talked about Sidney Sheldon and his creations as if I was talking about myself. Fadh wants to find herself, because she thought her soul has gone home to Malaysia leaving her flesh here. While I want to find myself as well, thinking that my soul has been so excitedly happy in the world of jahiliyyah that she couldnt find the real her now. 

Well, since Muse asked for it. Here's two pictures, not related to anything that has been said in this entry. 

Randomly taken. One in Lagiewniki Park (or forest?), the other just by the side of the road while I was waiting for the bus. I love how colourful can trees be. Looking at the beautiful trees, no one will ever wonder about the super huge extra XXL Christian cemetery just right behind. :D

#195-300412

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengasihani.


Sekarang pukul 1:53am, 1 May 2012.. Lagi less than one hour nak masuk subuh. Tadi mengantuk gila, tapi bila dah after pukul 12 tak tido, mata rasa segar. Baik tunggu subuh, lepas tu boleh tido. ^^


Exactly two months from now, insyaAllah i'll fly home. Back to Malaysia! Tadi abang tweet pasal Mak Teh buat sup tulang. Anak penakan Mak Teh yg sorang ni jangankan tulang, isi ayam pun dah lama tak terjamah. 


Rindu makanan kat Malaysia. Tu paling utama. Cendol pulut yg tak berapa nak minat tu pun dah teringin rasa, petanda memang dah gila nak makan makanan yg cuma ekslusif ada kat Malaysia. Dua, rindu keluarga. Keluarga. Pak. Tok. Adik-beradik. Rindu nak bercurahat lagi dengan kakak. Gap umur 12 tahun doesnt mean anything bila anda menjejak usia 20-an menjadi anak dara. Heheh. Dan rindu juga anak saudara yang bakal lahir selang beberapa hari sampai ke bumi Malaya. InsyaAllah, mohon doa semua yang membaca semoga Allah permudahkan segalanya. Oh. Tak lupa. Dah tentu rindu keluarga yg tak terikat dengan hubungan darah. Keluarga nombor dua. Wani. Zatil. As. Kirah. Nad. Keluarga Revo la senang cerita. 


Hari ini hari bahagia buat seorang Narshiela. Akhirnya berjaya memegang sekeping buku bergelar passport selepas 6 bulan jadi ala2 pendatang haram tanpa izin dekat bumi Poland. Heheh. Pengalaman. Kena warning awal2 dah dengan En Azman, "Bagi hilang lagi passport, next time ada penalti." InsyaAllah En Azman, saya jaga passport macam jaga nyawa sendiri lepas ni. Dapat je passport mata dah bersinar dengan segala plan ke bumi mana hendak diterjah nanti. 6 bulan terperangkap dalam Poland buat hati rindu pada suasana stranded dan terpaksa bermalam di airport. 


Oh, bahagia juga dengan kedatangan seorang sahabat ke kampung Lodz. Berjaya memaksa diri main go kart for the first time. Buat diri sendiri nak ada lesen kereta dan kereta secepat mungkin! :D Jelajah Port Lodz dan Manufaktura sampai ke tengah malam. Gembira. Minum coffee heaven buat kali ke-4 dalam empat hari berturut-turut. Memang kaya coffee heaven dapat customer ketagih macam saya. Banyak gambar, tapi mungkin entry yang seterusnya. Hmm, insyaAllah esok nak cari tasik yang boleh berkayak. Teringin nak river rafting lagi, tapi dekat Lodz tak ada. Kayak pun jadi la sebagai pengganti.


Jealous dengan Nina yang akan ke Zakopane esok insyaAllah. Haha. Nina, kau takkan baca kot post ni tapi, kau tahu kalau bab2 adventure kau nak berhiking bagai ni, aku la orang paling terkilan kalau kau hike tanpa aku. Hmm, mungkin satu hari nanti. Bila Allah melapangkan rezeki. 


Dah pukul 2:17am. Lagi 22 minit nak azan.